The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Actually, this isn't a joke, but is a funny fact.

Several years ago after a certain President Clinton had his sexual encounter with Monica, there was a documentary on UK TV about the President's 'activities' with Monica.  It got to the part where it mentioned the dress that had a stain on.  Just then, the program was in for an advert break, and the first thing that came up on the adverts?  Stain remover!!  Classic!!!  I bet that advertiser had to pay a pretty penny for that spot, but it was a laugh out loud moment that is not a joke. 

[allardjd 1,853]

Out, damn spot!  

That line didn't work for Hillary and Bill either, any more than it  did for MacBeth's wife and her husband.

John

[CAT3508 343]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Do it online, they said, Go Paperless, they said, be environmentally friendly! they said. Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with a fu**in' Laptop!

[brett 2,315]

54 minutes ago, dodgy-alan said:

Do it online, they said, Go Paperless, they said, be environmentally friendly! they said. Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with a fu**in' Laptop!

Toilet Paper?

[CAT3508 343]

[CAT3508 343]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Please note that as this Christmastime approaches, the following songs may not be sung:

(Copied from a local website 'Kokomo Brief')

[brett 2,315]

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.
"What happened," asked a parishioner?
"I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella."
"Here's what you do, priest. Next sermon talk about the 10 commandments and look around when you quote ‘thou shall not steal' and see who bows his head in shame."
Next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella.
The smart parishioner says "I see my advice worked."
"Not exactly," said the priest, "when I reached ‘Thou shall not commit adultery', I remembered where I forgot it."

[brett 2,315]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

[brett 2,315]

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[brett 2,315]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

[brett 2,315]

My bank account is looking good,  I'm saving a ton of money on Christmas because I said President Trump was doing a great job during Thanksgiving dinner. Seems his economic plan is working.

[CAT3508 343]

[Tim_A 997]

He's making a database

He's sorting it twice

SELECT * from contacts

WHERE behavior = 'nice'

SQL Clause is coming to town

[allardjd 1,853]

OK, I really like this one...

[Quickmarch 488]

We've been having some extreme weather events in parts of BC recently. Lots of snow! Yech! 

Travel Services has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

 

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.

[brett 2,315]

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

7. Teaching Math In 2016
Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth.

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,315]

17 hours ago, CAT3508 said:

Neil, it might just be me but your last two posts do not show up.

[allardjd 1,853]

2 hours ago, brett said:

Neil, it might just be me but your last two posts do not show up.

Not just Brett - I can't see them either, just link text in black and the dreaded box with an X in it.

John

[CAT3508 343]

Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.

Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

'Good trade..'

[brett 2,315]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,315]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work at the US Congress.