The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[brett 2,315]

Two blondes are walking along the beach when a seagull comes along and poops
right on the head of one of them.

"Oh dear," she says. "I have bird poop
on my head."

"Don't worry," says her friend. "I'll get a tissue...be
right back!"

"Don't bother, she says. "He'll be miles away by then."

 

An oldie...

 

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate’s peg leg, eye patch and hook.

"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate, "’Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I’ve had this peg leg ever since."

"Wow!" says the sailor. "And how’d you get the hook?"

"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I’ve had this hook ever since."

"Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate. "’Twas a seagull pooped in me eye."

"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

"Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "’Twas me first day with the new hook."

[Quickmarch 488]

What do you call a Blond who dies her hair Brunette? [apologies in advance Jess, March]

 

AI

 

Cheers,

March

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

 

 

Vow never to take her out again!

 

[mutley 4,498]

One for our Scottish friends..

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
 

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

 

The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

 

 

 

 

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

[needles 1,013]

Nice one Joe.

Very topical. Well, a couple of weeks back.

[brett 2,315]

 At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000

and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

 

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane.

Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

 

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.

 

Tourist in Scotland: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing
left for a tip."
 

Highland Waiter: "I'm sorry, I seem to have made a mistake, just let me add up that bill again for you sir."

 

 

[mutley 4,498]

After announcing he’s getting married, the Scots lad tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt. ‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate. ‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’ 

[brett 2,315]

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

Then he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky

and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

 

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset
you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading

here that the Pope does.

[needles 1,013]

OK! Get them off your chests.

Is this 'Bash a Scotsman' week then.

I know I'm not a full bloody Highlander but I am a staunch supporter of all things Scottish.

Alba gu Brath!

[brett 2,315]

No offense intended on any jokes. I'm Irish and American so let'em fly guys.

 

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American".

 

An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell
is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen
are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
 

The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and
responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably
right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks
are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."

 

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications
system?
"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking
system?
"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation
system?
"America"

 

The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los
Angeles Police Department is the most effective at apprehending criminals. The
issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each
organization has to find it.
 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

 

 

Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they
realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea.
“Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab
it” so Paddy hangs him over the side. All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull
me up quick” Paddy asks “why Murphy, have you caught a fish?” “no Paddy” Murphy
replies “there’s a train coming”

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do
I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
 

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him
a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where
are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man
responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to
Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then
asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't
believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink
to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes
and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies
the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man
says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time
in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The
O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

 

 

[needles 1,013]

Oooops! Sorry Brett I was only jesting. I'm pretty crap at sarcasm, as you will no doubt find out.

No offence taken at all Brett.

[mutley 4,498]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...

[mutley 4,498]

More.....

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital... one's still in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

[brett 2,315]

Oooops! Sorry Brett I was only jesting. I'm pretty crap at sarcasm, as you will no doubt find out.

No offence taken at all Brett.

 

I disagree Brian, your very good at it.(hmmm sarcasm or not  NOT  ) 

 

I was just spreading around the joy.(plus a ran out of Scottish jokes  )

 

 

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[allardjd 1,853]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

 

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

 

The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

 

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

 

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

 

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

 

The old Navy Chief tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

[allardjd 1,853]

A police officer in [insert name of the city, state or country whose police and blonde citizens you'd most like to insult] stops a blonde driver for speeding. He approaches the car and asks for her drivers license. She's somewhat disorganized and more than a little flustered. She searches through the console and the glove box with no success and finally, in desparation, dumps the contents of her very large purse on the passenger seat beside her.

 

As she rummages through the pile of stuff on the seat with her brain racing in neutral, she finds her make-up compact and opens it, seeing herself in the small mirror. Mistaking it for a driver's license photo, she exclaims, "Here it is", and hands it to the cop.

 

He looks at the mirror, sees his own image and says, "Well, hell, if you'd told me right away you were a police officer I'd have let you go."

[brett 2,315]

Hehe, good ones John

 

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

[allardjd 1,853]

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed.

 

"No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

 

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut.

 

"No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

 

A few days after that, a Senator came to the shop for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward.

 

"No charge, Senator" the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

[mutley 4,498]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Is the phrase, American Military Intelligence a contradiction of terms?

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Two blondes were sat on the beach at Bognor one evening after staggering out of our only night club, They were staying at the Butlins Resort for a weeks holiday. As they sat on the beach one of them looked up at the moon and said " I wonder whats nearest, The Moon or Basildon?" Her freind looks at her,"DuuHHHH,! Thicko, it's obvious innit, You can see the moon right?" "Yes why" says the first one. " well ya can't see Basildon can ya! Theres the awnser!"

 

(explanation for our overseas freinds, Basildon is a large town in Essex, generally that county is held to be the place where all the Blondes, Chavs, Boy racers etc all originate from. All a bit thick!

 

Butlins was a chain of Holiday Resort camps set up after WW2. They were very popular until the 80s when foreign holidays became a lot cheaper. Now only 2 are left, one in my town of Bognor Regis and another at Minehead in Somerset.)

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A visually impaired guy walks into a bar, he orders a pint and whilst he's waiting he says to barman, "Wow, that's a lovely bit of oak you've got here for the bar" The Barman looks at him surprised, "how can you tell that, I thought you were blind?" he asks. "I am" said the man,"I have a great sense of smell though and can identify any wood by just sniffing it". the barman is stunned, "wow! That's amazing, I'll tell you what, if you can identify three bits of wood from this pub you can have free drinks all evening!" He grinned and thought, He's no chance! "Okay said the blind bloke , bring 'em on!" The barman reaches up and fetches down a cricket bat from above the bar, "try this one" The guy has a sniff," Hmm, thats a lovely bit of willow, I can also smell tallow on that so it's got to be a cricket bat!" "Blimey " the barman says, thats correct." he then picks up one of the chairs from behind the bar, "what about this one?" Again the guy sniffs it, "Hmmm, that's pine, very distinctive, highly polished too, probably a chair" The barman is worried,"yes, that's correct again, " By now he's realised that his rash bet is going to cost him, so he has an idea, he goes into the back of the pub and says to his 60 year old aunt," I want you to take your drawers off and go and stand on the bar!" She's a bit puzzled but agrees, she goes out to the bar and climbs up on it, then pulls her skirt up. The barman says to the guy, "Ok mister lets try you with this one!" The guy sniffs the air, he looks puzzled, then says " Okay, Got it, it's a lavatory door made out of fish boxes!"

[allardjd 1,853]

Why American? You were damned glad to have it in 1982.

John

[mutley 4,498]

Why American? You were damned glad to have it in 1982.

John

It's a popular oxymoron John, stick any country ahead of military and intelligence and the joke is the same     

 

It's a bit like freedom fighters or business ethics 

[mutley 4,498]

Ok, onto some engineer jokes... Just for you John 

 

Understanding Engineers: One

Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

Understanding Engineers: Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers: Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, " That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

Understanding Engineers: Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers: Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Understanding Engineers: Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

Understanding Engineers: Seven

An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week."The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to." Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"