The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[brett 2,316]

I have to research so much stuff here that if I'm not careful I might end up being a nerd.   My wife actually called me one the other day...........

[allardjd 1,853]

if I'm not careful I might end up being a nerd. My wife actually called me one the other day

 

Pay no attention, Brett.  She's just jealous.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

John is on a much higher plane than us Brett !

[allardjd 1,853]

Actually, the stereotypical engineer supposedly has no sense of humor (or fashion, or art, or propriety).  For us the half-full glass is twice as large as it needs to be. 

 

John

 

EDIT:  This explains it better than I can...

 

 

JDA

[brett 2,316]

 He's got the.......

 

Don't you get less oxygen when your on a higher plane Joe?

[mutley 4,498]

He's got the.......

Don't you get less oxygen when your on a higher plane Joe?

Quid pro quo as we say in ancient Britain!

[mutley 4,498]

We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wife's ass and say, "your next fatty".

[allardjd 1,853]

OK, lets pick on someone other than engineers.

Found embedded deep within source code...

//

// Dear maintainer:

//

// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,

// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,

// please increment the following counter as a warning

// to the next guy:

//

// total_hours_wasted_here = 25

//

John

[allardjd 1,853]

Programmer: A bio-mechanical device that converts caffeine into code.

John

[brett 2,316]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

[allardjd 1,853]

Amen. Would be easier to laugh at it if it didn't ring so true.

John

[mike H 456]

Nice one Alan,   I will have to stop building works on my Ark then.That's two years wasted.  It's a good job I live on a hill.

[Quickmarch 488]

Love it. I can think of a bunch of people who will get a laugh out of that one. As John says, too bad it is written with reality as a baseline.

[M31 0]

[M31 0]

Also early Billy Connolly.

 

I've often thought part of the crunch line for comedy is the Punch Line ... and Billy nails it in this joke.

 

[allardjd 1,853]

A rather frugal farmer kept over a hundred hens but only one rooster. After having lost several roosters in close succession to an early demise, he took himself to wherever frugal farmers go to buy roosters. He explained his problem to the salesman who said, "I have just the rooster for you."

 

He took the farmer to a pen where there was the ugliest, scrawniest, most emaciated rooster the farmer had ever seen. The farmer laughed and ventured that the little rascal wouldn't survive three days with his hens. The sales person said, "Tell you what, take him home and if he doesn't last two weeks, you owe me nothing. If you don't like his performance, you can return him and you owe me nothing. If, on the other hand, you are satisfied with him and wish to keep him beyond the two weeks, you will owe me the standard price for a rooster."

 

Doing some rapid mental calculations, the farmer couldn't see a down-side to the proposal, so he agreed. He took the little rooster home in a cage, and it being near nightfall, decided to keep him caged until morning. The next morning he took the little rooster out to the hens and turned him loose, settling in to watch the action. Much to his amazement, the little rooster set eagerly to work and by 10:00 AM had had his way with all hundred hens, three rows of cabbages and was starting over on the hens. Having seen quite enough for a while, the farmer said to the little rooster, "I have work to do and must be off to take care of it. I'll admit to being impressed so far but if you keep going the way you have been, you won't last a day." With that he departed to take care of his chores.

 

About 3:00 PM, the farmer noticed three large buzzards slowly circling the chicken pen and thought to himself, "Aha, the little devil has expired already. I knew it!" Upon entering the chicken pen to see what was up, he found all the hens lying around smoking cigarettes, looking very happy and three elderly hens who had stopped laying months before and who were earmarked for the cooking pot, each sitting atop a huge pile of freshly laid eggs, also ooking very happy with themselves. The little rooster was nowhere in sight. The farmer began looking around for the rooster and upon coming around the end of the hen house, spied him laying on his back, eyes closed, spread-eagled with his feet in the air. "Aha", said the farmer, "I knew you'd screw youself to death in no time".

 

The little rooster cocked open one eye (how else do you expect a rooster would open one eye) and pointed up to the circling buzzards, saying, "Shhh...".

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

There's these two rednecks, sittin' on the porch, swilling 'shine and swattin' flies.

 

Along comes a neighbour's kid, carrying a roll of chicken wire (where these rednecks are it's pronounced "waar").

 

One of the rednecks asks the kid, "hey kid, whatcha got there?" The kid answers, "roll a chicken waar"

 

"What ya gonna do wit that?" asks the redneck.

 

"Gonna catch me sum chickens", said the kid.

 

There is much merriment on the porch while the two rednecks laugh and point their fingers at the kid. "You don't CATCH chickens with chicken waar - you pen them up with chicken waar, stoopid kid".

 

Off goes the kid and returns half an hour later, carrying three fat hens and the roll of chicken wire. The two rednecks just shake their heads and don't say much.

 

Next day, same time, same place, same rednecks, same kid. Only this time the kid has a big roll of tape in his hands.

 

 

Same redneck asks, "hey kid, whatcha got there?" The kid answers, "roll a duck tape"

 

Redneck says. "That ain't DUCK tape kid, that's DUCT tape - use it for holding the fenders on my pickup"

 

"What ya gonna do with that tape?" asks the second redneck.

 

"Gonna catch me sum ducks", said the kid.

 

There is much merriment on the porch while the two rednecks laugh and point their fingers at the kid. "Stoopid kid!".

 

 

Off goes the kid and returns half an hour later, carrying two fat ducks and the (slightly smaller) roll duct tape. The two rednecks just look on and don't say much.

 

 

Next day, same time, same place, same rednecks, same kid. Only this time the kid has a bundle of sticks in his hands.

 

Same redneck asks, "hey kid, whatcha got there?" The kid answers, "pussy willows"

 

Both rednecks drop the bottle of 'shine, leap over the porch rail and sidle up to the kid real friendly-like.

 

"Why don't we go with you this time", asks one of the rednecks.

 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

For a Canadian boy, you sure know a lot about rednecks - - - "waar" is perfect.

John

[Quickmarch 488]

Spent the last 10 years of my working life south of the M-D Line. I've been on more Georgia Turkey Shoots than Tupperware Parties. My wife still tells me it's too bad long hair went out of style. Now I got no cover.

[allardjd 1,853]

A couple of good ones from another site...

------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!

------

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."

Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."

Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."

Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"

Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

John

[mutley 4,498]

Apologies to cat lovers...

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[allardjd 1,853]

Winston and Sherlock, who both formerly had testicles, wish to have a discussion with you when you arrive.

 

John

[ddavid 149]

Now that was funny, Joe - Thanks - made my day, mate!

Cheers - Dai.

[brett 2,316]

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know s**t?"