jaydor 345 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Don't encourage Dave, he's on a Roll.. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 LOL Dave. I'll drink a toast to that. Bath and bed now, have to earn a crust tomorrow. Must soldier on. Sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Don't encourage Dave, he's on a Roll.. James, that takes the biscuit. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 As I read these quips I at first blanched, my eyes glaze over, my teeth grated, my brain started to caramelize and they make me want to dash to the toilet. I feel I need knead to cut in and tell you guys to beat it or at the least cool it or you all, except James will be beaten or wipped depending on your quip level. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 That's ok Brett, we can take our punishment. Piece of cake really. Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 As I read these quips I at first blanched, my eyes glaze over, my teeth grated, my brain started to caramelize and they make me want to dash to the toilet. I feel I need knead to cut in and tell you guys to beat it or at the least cool it or you all, except James will be beaten or wipped depending on your quip level. Wipped "Vision" Blond blue eyed long legged big busted friendly sort of girl.. more more more more more more more more more more oh oh that's enough Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Blackberry are laying off staff, apparently there are now more staff than users! Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Thinking that she also used the five bar gate scoring method I said "Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 I was hoping to get a part in Mathematics:The Musical But I failed the additions Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 I was hoping to get a part in Mathematics:The Musical But I failed the additions Everyone gets a mulligan, did you want to take that one back Joe. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 Here are some texting codes for us more mature folk. ATD At the doctors BMF Best mates funeral DFTIP Dont forget the incontinence pants HGBM Had a good bowel movement WTL Where's the lubricant WTHMT Where the hell's my teeth Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 When I said, "Alright, that's enough rogering for tonight- time for you to get some sleep," my young son gave out a little whimper. As I crept out of his darkened room, he began to weep. I turned back and sternly whispered, "Don't be such a wimp. We can play with the walkie-talkies again tomorrow." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 I've been left with severe pain and swelling after a close encounter with one of those "False Widows"...........Turned out her husband was still alive. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 Angela Merkel has called President Obama to say "It is not acceptable for friends to spy on each other." well... that's what the NSA is saying she's said. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic." Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted October 26, 2013 Report Share Posted October 26, 2013 I hate films with sub titles.Das Boot was terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted October 30, 2013 Report Share Posted October 30, 2013 Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel' she asked? "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!" Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 Going to scare the rubbish out of pensioners in my street when I go trick or treating tonight.I'm dressing up as a gas bill. Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted November 1, 2013 Report Share Posted November 1, 2013 True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart... The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?' Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 Paddy was in court for being drunk and disorderly. Judge, 'Were you drunk on the night in question?' Paddy, 'I was indeed, I was drunk as a Judge.' Judge, 'No, the expression is. Sober as a Judge, drunk as a Lord.' Paddy, 'Oh, sorry m'Lord.' Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened." "Yeah it did," he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife? The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out!" "What about your friend?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said baaad dog." Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted November 6, 2013 Report Share Posted November 6, 2013 Three Kid Stories... One summer evening during a violet thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." A six-month pregnant mother of two was preparing to get in the shower when her three year-old came into the room. She said, "Mommy, are you getting fat!" The mother replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know." she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:'Holy Sh*t! A talking Chicken!'". The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2013 I said to the blonde lap dancer, "I love your moves but can you roll your arse for me?" She replied, "I'll try.... Round the rugged rock, the ragged rascal ran. How was that?" Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2013 Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be MaryI got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.Nothing.Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another ThaiBrothel !!!Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband,I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!An elderly couple is attending Mass.About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?" "Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please." "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk." I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane." Link to post Share on other sites
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