The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[ddavid 149]

...

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A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

Signed, Trying to Make Amends

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...

Thanks again, Brett - Pam liked that one!

Mind you, I didn't tell her the others!

Ciao - Dai.

[brett 2,286]

Thanks for covering for me Dai, wouldn't want Pam mad at me.

[mutley 4,488]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[mutley 4,488]

Kim Jong-Un isn't daft.

 

I bet members of his immediate family are going to be getting him some fantastic Christmas presents this year. 

[mutley 4,488]

Irish maths test!

 

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

 

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

 

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go." 

 

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

 

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

 

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

 

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

 

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

 

Paddy is the new supervisor.

 

[mutley 4,488]

A man is alone in an airport lounge.  

 

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

 

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

 

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'.

 

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

 

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f**k do you want?'

 

'Ah ha!' he says "Ryanair".

[allardjd 1,853]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

 

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

 

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

 

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:

 

"What part did you get?"

[allardjd 1,853]

The guy who wrote these must have been following me around...

 

John

 

"Older" Adult Observations

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay jewelry.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever

[brett 2,286]

     Excellent list.

 

22. I look at some of todays youth and totally understand why my parents were horrified I was a Hippie.

[jaydor 345]

Another addition:

 

23.  Why does Sunday start at the beginning of the week when it's raining?

[britfrog 180]

I am quite sure you all that live in the modern world have seen this, but this video made this yokel laugh

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb5xfkiVv5M

[Quickmarch 488]

Now that I've moved back to Canada I'm allowed to make fun of SNOW (fortunately it's a rare event here in BC).

 

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler 

 

December 8 6:00 PM

 

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and

the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by

the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down

from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So

romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 

December 9    

 

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow

covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic

sight! Can there be a more lovely place in

the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've

ever had! 

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a

boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered

up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got

to shovel again. What a perfect life!

 

December 12

 

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-

we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on

Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much

snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see

snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such

a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 14

 

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The

temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything

sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed

up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is

the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and

buried everything again. I didn't

realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,

but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish

I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 

December 15

 

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4

Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2

extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants

a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think

that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

 

December 16

 

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in

the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The

wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very

cruel.

 

December 17

 

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go

anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to

pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but

stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I

should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to

her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe

I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

 

December 20

 

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of

the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all

day. The damn snowplow came by twice. 

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said

they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're

lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about

buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have

another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob

says I have to shovel or the city will have it done

and bill me. I think he's lying.

 

December 22

 

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more

inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,

it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes

to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I

had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and

dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to

hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of

the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the

asshole is lying.

 

December 23

 

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.

The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house

this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She

says she did but I think she's lying.

 

December 24

 

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke

the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I

ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow

plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and

beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he

hides around the corner and waits for me to finish

shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100

miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just

been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas

carols with her and open our presents, but I was too

busy watching for the damn snowplow.

 

December 25

 

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn

slop tonight - Snowed in

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate

the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation

and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife

says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking

idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one

more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

 

December 26

 

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It

was all HER idea.

She's really getting on my nerves.

 

December 27

 

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;

plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he

only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

 

December 28

 

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is

driving me crazy!!!

 

December 29

 

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or

it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever

heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 

December 30

 

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now

he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the

beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the

broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to

her mother.

Nine more inches predicted.

 

December 31

 

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more

shoveling.

 

January 8

 

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills

they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[dogtrack 345]

An elderly man was stopped by police around 2 AM and asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving a lecture at this time of night?"
 
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[mutley 4,488]

Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.

 

Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.

[mutley 4,488]

I'm not saying my lousy neighbour is lazy but, he thinks W O R K is a radio station. 

[needles 1,010]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[ddavid 149]

Nigel's contribution reminded me of this:

A man was walking down the street when he met a young girl who ws taking her dog for a walk on a lead.

"Hello, Little Girl", he said, "What's your name?" "Rosebud", she answered.

"Oh that's nice - why's that?", he asked. "Because, when my mummy and my daddy were making me, a rose petal fluttered in throught the window and landed by their side", she demurely said.

"And wht's the name of your doggie, then?", he asked. "Porky", she answered.

"My - that's a funny name. Why is your doggie called Porky?", he wondered.

"Because he ***** pigs", she said.

Sorry about the asterisks, but I guess you'll get the drift...

Cheers - Dai.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A Female friend of mine was telling me about her new Swedish boyfriend, she says he's very nice but dyslexic. He spent half the night licking her Volvo!

[Quickmarch 488]

 

[phil white 274]

A cheesy festive joke from me

 

Why did Santa quit smoking?

 

because it was bad for his Elf!!

 

Time for me to get my coat.

[mutley 4,488]

I'll show you the door Phil! 

[brett 2,286]

A cheesy festive joke from me

 

Why did Santa quit smoking?

 

because it was bad for his Elf!!

 

Time for me to get my coat.

 

Totally offensive to all Elf's (and joke tellers around the world  ).   

[Quickmarch 488]

This one stolen from the Sailing Anarchy site, this morning. I'm another one who gets the vapours every time some friend or relative sends me a report on one of their prodigies disguised as a Christmas card.

 

Great. Several friends are sending their annual Christmas letters where they extol the kids’ achievements like:
“Little Poindexter IV just became the youngest Eagle Scout ever despite the distraction of his being oboe first chair in the New York Philharmonic. He is almost through with his multi engine jet rating having aced his instrument rating back in February. Meredith loves kindergarten and has mastered Mandarin Chinese without an accent although the addition of a third language has given her Italian a mild lisp.”

I was across the table from their brats when they were throwing steak knives at us guests and the parents refused to discipline the little miscreants. This sort of thing gives rise to open carry and stand your ground laws. These letters will then launch into insecure spousal praise:“Poindexter III has been named a senior partner at the firm after successfully litigating on behalf of the World Wildlife Fund to stop the underground tiger organ trade in Burma (formerly Siam). “ Whatever. We know the dad is an “Everest of ambition shoehorned into a molehill of a man” and if he wants to get a bonus based on kitty guts, good for him.

[J G 927]

Point of order: Siam is now Thailand.  Burma is now Myanmar.

 

But I do so hate parents who do nothing but smile at their kids as they wreck the place!

[brett 2,286]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding

in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

 

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

 

********************************************************************

 

Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

 

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions,
- Arrived on time,
- Helped deliver the baby,
- Cleaned the stable,
- Made a casserole, and
- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)