mutley 4,487 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 If you ever feel useless then remember: it's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer. I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 I guess this may fall under the category of 'Urban Legend', but it is nevertheless funny..... In the Sea of Japan, a Japanese fishing vessel was sunk by a cow of all things!! The fishermen survivors on the vessel described seeing a cow falling from the sky which hit the ship, causing it to sink! An investigation was mounted. It was found that a Russian transport aircraft had been waiting by the runway waiting for clearance to take off. Whilst waiting, the crew saw a stray cow by the side of the taxi way and rather liked the idea of some fresh steak for him and his chums. He coaxed the wayward cow into the plane which duly took off. Sometime into the flight, the cow started to become unsettled and could not be calmed down. Rather than run risk of damage to the aircraft, the cargo ramp was opened of the unruly cow disposed of! The last time that it was seen was when it hit the unlucky trawler that was in the wrong place at the wrong time!! Fresh steak anyone....?!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 So I spotted this woman walking towards the door, being polite I opened it for her, I thought she'd thankfull, , but instead she and every other passenger on the plane started screaming! Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 LOL!! Isn't that the truth. Having moved from the UK, there is a vast difference in culture here. Who would believe that in Pharmacy's they put cigarettes and booze at the front of the store, and put medications and prescriptions at the back of the store. Some 'dangerous' items can't be bought as they may be a danger and present a hazard, but you can buys guns!!! A military person shoots a terrorist, then may be up on trial for killing someone (the terrorist!!). Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then." Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 It's the government that banned Kinder Eggs. Make no mistake - they'd ban private ownership of firearms too, if they could but the 2nd Amendment of the US Constitution is too tall a hurdle for them. John Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 It is funny how various governments look at these things. In the UK we can freely buy Kinder eggs and put our kids at risk of choking on the toy inside. We cant by guns. I can only assume that this is because they contain small things called bullets which, if a child puts in their mouth, could be a choking hazard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 That's got to be it, JG. John Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 Cilla Black arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Hello love, my name's Cilla, I come from Liverpool." Saint Peter. "Step inside love." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 Cilla Black arrived at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter said, "What's your name and where do you come from?" EDIT: should have been posted before yours Geoff! Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 I wonder if they'll get that bloke from Blind Date to read the eulogy at Cilla Black's funeral. "Here's our Graham with a quick reminder!" Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 A lora lora laughs. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 The last four posts went completely over my head. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 Not surprised John! Cilla was a pop / tv star that came to fame with the Beatles,what you see above is parodies of saying from her TV shows, you had to be British to understand. http://www.cillablack.com/ https://www.facebook.com/OfficialCillaBlack Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted August 5, 2015 Report Share Posted August 5, 2015 In 1985 we had President Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have President Obama, no cash and no hope!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 5, 2015 Report Share Posted August 5, 2015 . . . The older we get the wiser we become . . . I took down our US flag and peeled the National Rifle Association sticker off the front door. I disconnected the home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted August 6, 2015 Report Share Posted August 6, 2015 Bob and Joanne are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public-address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.An hour later Bob turns to his wife and asks, “Joanne, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”“No, sweetheart,” she responds.Bob, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Joanne, did we pay our American Express card yet?”“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.“One last thing, Joanne. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.“Oh, forgive me, darling,” begs Joanne. “I didn’t send that one, either.”Bob grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.Joanne pulls away and asks, “What was that for?”Bob answers, “They’ll find us!” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted August 6, 2015 Report Share Posted August 6, 2015 Dad: Son, I want you to marry the girl of my choice.Son: No way, Dad.Dad: But Son, she’s the daughter of world’s richest man.Son: Why didn’t you say so? Consider it done.Then his dad goes to that richest man.Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.Rich man: No, why would I ever permit that?Dad: Because he’s the COO of the World Bank.Rich man: Why didn’t you say so? Consider it done.Then the dad goes to the president of the World Bank.Dad: I want you to appoint my son COO of the World Bank.Bank president: Never! Why would I do something like that?Dad: Because he’s the son-in-law of the world’s richest man.Bank president: Why didn’t you say so? Consider it done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!"Time stopped.......The bear froze.......The forest was silent............Even the river stopped moving.As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around,GOD SPOKE:"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?""VERY WELL," said GOD.The light went out...The river ran...The sounds of the forest resumed..And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 :rofl: Good one. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 The bear joke reminds me of a bear joke... Two hikers are miles out in the wilderness and walk into a large meadow in the middle of the woods. On the other side of the meadow, a very large grizzly bear sees them, rises up on his hind legs and roars, then begins to run directly toward them. Both are a bit petrified for a moment but one of them sits down, pulls a pair of running shoes from his back pack and begins to put them on. The other hiker says, "Are you crazy. You can't outrun him." The other hiker, tying the second shoe, says, "I don't have to outrun him, I only have to outrun you." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 'Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, she's 'God's Cilla' now. So expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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