The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

I used to be poor...

 

Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

 

[mutley 4,498]

I cleared my desk in work this morning.

 

That's when my boss fired me for my obsession with long jumping.

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Police and baffled shop staff are looking for a man who ran into Tescos brandishing a knife and proceeded to viciously stab several boxes of Cornflakes before decapitating a box of Shredded Wheat ! A police spokesman said they were looking for a Cereal Killer!

 

[allardjd 1,853]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

 

He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father instantly realizes that the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the 10 cent coins but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father begins panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly… tighter and tighter! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 cent coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

 

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

[mutley 4,498]

O so true John!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL, love it!

 

[jaydor 345]

A guy has offered me a job in a Diamond mine, if I am interested he told me to give him a "ring"    Dadaaaaa 

[brett 2,315]

Brian was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way, any time she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the that’s what Brian did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said Brian.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

[mutley 4,498]

Since childhood, Paddy had heard the stories of an amazing family tradition where his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday!

 

On that special day, they'd each crossed the lake to the pub on the far side by walking on the water for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

 

Paddy stepped out of the boat...splash !!! ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said:

 

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August,
 ....ya ****** idiot!"

[mutley 4,498]

I was sitting on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me "you spoil those dogs"   

[allardjd 1,853]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

 

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

 

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

 

Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.

 

John

 

(This joke pre-approved by Mutley)

[mutley 4,498]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[brett 2,315]

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

 

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

 

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

 

 

 

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?”
She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ej….”

 

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”

 

 

[Quickmarch 488]

There's a car accident at an intersection- a rear ender with a blond driving the car behind

 

Out jumps a dwarf from the front car, who says "I'm not Happy".

 

The blond says: "So which one are you?"

 

[allardjd 1,853]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

 

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

 

So I said "Come in and sit down."

 

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to

talk about?"

 

He said: "Beats the hell out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

WARNING ABOUT EBAY

 

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

 

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

 

An old friend of mine just spent $95, plus sales tax, on a penis enlarger. They sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

Ha ha! ....talk about a sore point!

[icudan 5]

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Rubbish!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

 

[needles 1,013]

The Haircut

 

 

 

 

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father

as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up

from a C to a B average, study your Bible and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car.”

 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer

and they agreed on it.

 

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up

and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”  

 

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed

in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had

long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence

that Jesus had long hair.”

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You're going to love the Dad's reply:

 

 

“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

[brett 2,315]

Hahaha...good one.

 

One day there was a teenage punk-rock boy who decided to go to the local shopping mall. He had just about the craziest hair-do you could imagine. His hair was spiked into chunks all over his head, and each spike of hair was dyed a different color. Some were green, some were red, some yellow, some purple, etc.

 

Well he sat down on a bench next to this old man, waiting for his friends to show up. Every time the boy looked back at this old man, he was staring at him. The boy grew angry, because this old man had such a staring problem.

 

So the boy stood up and said to the old man: "What's the matter, old man, huh? Never seen anybody do anything wild and crazy in their lives?"

And the old man says: "Well actually, many years back, I got drunk, had sex with a parrot and I was wondering if you might be my son."

[allardjd 1,853]

A man buys a parrot who is a phenomenal talker, but after having him home for a few days soon figures out that the parrot has an extremely foul mouth (they all have fowl mouths). The parrot can and frequently does cuss a blue streak, regardless of who may be around.

 

The bird is also extremely intelligent, to the point where the poor owner can have a simple conversation with him. After positive and negative reinforcement techniques fail miserably to reform the potty-mouthed parrot, the man even tries to reason with him, all to no avail. The bird seems to understand that the man is unhappy with his swearing but persists in spite of it.

 

One day the parrot launches into a particularly filthy stream of curses of the worst kind, in front of guests, no less. In a fit of frustrated embarrassment and desparation the man grabs the parrot and throws him into the freezer, closing the door so the guests can no longer hear him. As soon as the visitors have left, he retrieves the shivering bird from the freezer and sets him on his perch.

 

The parrot says, "Sir, I've been extremely insensitive and am ashamed of my behavior. I give you my solemn promise that I will never again utter an unclean word. I sincerely hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

 

"By the way, what did that chicken in there do?"

 

John

[Misha Cajic 4]

Here's a good one

 

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

[mutley 4,498]

I wonder, does Jim Apple find introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France? 

[brett 2,315]

 

I wonder, does Jim Apple find introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France? 

 

 

LOL

[mutley 4,498]

Thanks Brett, you are obviously a very intelligent person!