mutley 4,498 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 US Senate Republican and Democratic leaders have thrashed out a last-minute deal to reopen the government and raise the nation's debt limit. In other news, shares in Wonga.com have quadrupled in value. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted October 18, 2013 Report Share Posted October 18, 2013 I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in. Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted October 18, 2013 Report Share Posted October 18, 2013 I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in. Hello Mr Cody. I am afraid we did not shut down and spotted you in this forum. Signed Big Brother NSA Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted October 18, 2013 Report Share Posted October 18, 2013 Doh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted October 19, 2013 Report Share Posted October 19, 2013 A man was leaving a convenience store with his Morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.The man couldn't stand the curiosity.He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?""My wife's."''What happened to her?""She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed Her."He inquired further, "But who is in the second Hearse?"The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men."Can I borrow the dog?"The man replied, "Get in line." Link to post Share on other sites
UKJim 502 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Jimmy Carr... "I'd rather see a pregnant girl standing up than see a fat girl sitting down crying" Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Another Jimmy Carr joke. 'I just want a car to get me from A to B. Trouble is I live in Kew. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Mr Ducks Mr Knot Mr Sew, Cedar Wings Whale Oil Beef Hooked! Mr Ducks Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 @ March -> I saw a guy in an M.R. Ducks T-Shirt a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure I was the only person there who had any idea what it was about. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce (a.k.a. brian747) 142 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Thanks for that one, Joe! Cheers, Bruce a.k.a. etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Our Indian Doctor drives a Saab Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Our Indian Doctor drives a Saab And not a Sahib. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I am not a golfer, but I am married!..... Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner Ray asked, ‘What the heck is taking so long?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' His companion Ray said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.' Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I have been reflecting on places I have been... I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. I have been in Deep---- many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there! /Mut Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I asked the wife. 'Where do you want to go for your holiday?' She replied. 'Somewhere hot, where I've never been before.' I said. 'Try the kitchen.' I know, it's an old one but... Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 But still funny Geoff Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Thanks Joe, liked your last two. Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 creep Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 In Deed! John Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 creep In Deed! John In Deed, never been there. In Sincere, all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Good Halloween joke, Joe Bought a book on the history of flour the other day. Just sifting through it now. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Good Halloween joke, Joe Bought a book on the history of flour the other day. Just sifting through it now. Dough! Link to post Share on other sites
DaveLeafNiles 0 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 LOL, Geoff! It was kinda half-baked... Link to post Share on other sites
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