The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.  It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

 

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store, and get him some beer.

 

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

 

So Sandra, being the good wife, walked across the ice, got the beer at the store, and then walked back home across the cove.

 

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

 

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash, when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

 

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........

[allardjd 1,853]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Hamtramck were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through."

 

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

 

Then the electric power went out.

 

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

[allardjd 1,853]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

 

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

 

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[allardjd 1,853]

You know you're a Floridian if....

• Socks are only for bowling.
• You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.
• A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
• Your winter coat is made of denim.
• You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
• You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
• Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
• You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
• You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
• Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
• You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
• You dread love bug season.
• You are on a first name basis with the hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Wilma, Irene, Cheryl, Rita, Mary, Alison
• You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
• You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
• 'Down South' means Key West.
• Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
• You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
• You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
• A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
• You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and snowbird season.
• You've hosted a hurricane party.
• You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy.
• You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
• You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
• You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
• You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba.'

[brett 2,287]

Haha, I'll go with it......

 

You know you are from Pennsylvania when:

• You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
• You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally incorrect Leb-a-NON.
• You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD.
• You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips,pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans, or bologna.
• You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
• You know what REAL pot pie is.
• YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing."
• You know that chicken corn soup from a fire house is the most nearly perfect food on earth.
• You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today," and "They're calling for snow."
• You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs.
• You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
• You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
• You know the Penn State cheer, and although you've never attended PennState, you are a most obnoxious Penn State fan. (WE ARE...ANNOYING!)
• Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside.
• You never see any Confederate Flags, except on the Gettysburg Battlefield.
• You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.
• You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
• School closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district.
• When someone says 1972, you think "Agnes," and when someone says 1979, you think "TMI."
• You call sloppy joes "barbecue."
• When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
• You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.
• Know that Yuengling is pronounced "Ying-ling," and believe that it really is a premium beer (which comes from growing up on Schlitz and Iron City).
• Have the Rolling Rock bottle memorized: "From the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe, we tender this premium beer for your enjoyment. . . . "
• Know that Wilkes-Barre is pronounced "Wilks Berry."
• Can pronounce "Knoebels."
• Can pronounce (or spell) "Schuylkill."
• Live for summer, when street fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
• Have a day off school on the Monday after Thanksgiving, which is the first day of hunting season.
• Never have to worry about being stuck in a ditch when it's snowing. -someone in a 4WD pickup with tow chains will be along shortly.
• Elect pro-life Democrats and pro-choice Republicans for Governor (i.e., Casey and Ridge)
• Frequently go "with," e.g., "You going to the market? Mind if I come with?"
• Refer to something as "a whole nother," e.g., "That's a whole nother issue."

[allardjd 1,853]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.  The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

 

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

 

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[mutley 4,488]

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage!

[allardjd 1,853]

This one is from my brother...

 

Do you know why divorce is so expensive?

 

Because it's worth it!

[mutley 4,488]

ITV have confirmed that the next series of "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" will be set in prison.

[mutley 4,488]

"You remind me of an American Indian," I told my friend.

"How?"

"My point exactly."

[brett 2,287]

"You remind me of an American Indian," I told my friend.

"How?"

"My point exactly."

 

A good example of one of those bad jokes that make you laugh anyway.  Hey wait, that would make it a good joke.  I'm going to have to think about this quandary.......

[allardjd 1,853]

Watson: Holmes, in what school did you learn to be a detective?

 

Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson.

[mutley 4,488]

Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend, Sherlock Holmes, out front, in an overall, applying a bright, yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes, what is it?" asks the curious Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson"

[mutley 4,488]

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.   

 

(Looks like I am back with the old ones!) 

[brett 2,287]

The oldies are great,

 

 

An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[mutley 4,488]

My local area is about to experience one whole year of road improvements.

The missus has been banned from driving.

[mutley 4,488]

Went to the zoo today and there was only one dog in it.
It was a shitzu. 

[allardjd 1,853]

A group of women were at a seminar on "How to Live in a Loving Relationship with your Husband".

 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

 

All the women raised their hands.

 

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

 

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

 

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

 

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

 

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the (bleep) did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???

[brett 2,287]

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

[Quickmarch 488]

A mathematician and an engineer agree to be part of an experiment: They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter told them every thirty seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out the door, "don't you see? You'll never actually reach her!" To which the engineer replied "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes".

[mutley 4,488]

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Thanks Brett, that's given me a few ideas!

[brett 2,287]

 

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Thanks Brett, that's given me a few ideas!

 

 

That's all well and good but please remember, safety first.

[hifly 925]

 

 

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Thanks Brett, that's given me a few ideas!

 

 

That's all well and good but please remember, safety first.

 

Just remember to wear your wellingtons and rubber gloves.

[allardjd 1,853]

Quote

Just remember to wear your wellingtons and rubber gloves.

 

Aren't you forgetting something?

 

John

[hifly 925]

Your hat in case it rains?