mutley 4,497 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 One. How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 I read a press clipping that a psychics convention had to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 --- HER DIARY --- Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caresses and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster --- HIS DIARY --- Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 The Blue Pigeon ********************* The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop; the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive, on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean. One day a man came to town and offered the mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city, but, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. The Mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Muslim?" Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 Heaven and Hell Heaven: British Police Italian Chefs German Mechanics French Lovers Organized by the Swiss Hell: German Police British Chefs French Mechanics Swiss Lovers Organized by the Italians Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. New Book A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yeah,That's the one; He says, I'll take a copy…" Poor Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!! The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". Pregnant Prostitute A doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For f.... sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?" EASYJET Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. " Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 Good to have you back, John - some great jokes, although I thought the Blue Pigeon punch line a little unworthy of you. Still, it takes all sorts, I guess. Cheers - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 John, have you been away at a joke convention? Great gags though. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 Just plowed through all my backed up e-mails after returning home from 3 weeks gone. I don't write 'em, just mostly pass them on. John Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 24, 2014 Report Share Posted June 24, 2014 Quote ...I thought the Blue Pigeon punch line a little unworthy of you... I agree that the joke probably vastly overstated the problems caused by pigeons in London. John 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted June 25, 2014 Report Share Posted June 25, 2014 ...I thought the Blue Pigeon punch line a little unworthy of you... I agree that the joke probably vastly overstated the problems caused by pigeons in London. John Link to post Share on other sites
TheeAviationist 18 Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 The A380 is a plane only her mother could love. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 As migration season approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by commercial air. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check those items through as luggage?" she asked. "No," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 Q: What is the definition of an engineer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand. Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. You should be an engineer if: .... choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading our RAM is a moral dilemma. .... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. .... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. .... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. .... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling. .... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday. .... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. .... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. .... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. .... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects. .... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. .... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. .... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together. .... you see a good design and still have to change it. .... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. .... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. .... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. .... you window shop at Radio Shack. .... your laptop computer costs more than your car. .... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. .... you've already calculated how much you make per second. .... you've tried to repair a $5 radio. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 .... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed."The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go throughthis. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out.The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in. He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling.The psychologist is a bit confused."Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"The engineer smiles and replies, "Of course! But I'll get close enough!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad." I can tell you this - that fly never knew what hit him... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 The Florida Code When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "...take I-75," "...take I-4" or "...take I-95." I-75 and I-95 are not road numbers, they are the minimum speed limit. When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew. If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS - but you will drive anyway. Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley. I-10 doesn't count because true Floridians don't consider the panhandle part of Florida. Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it! Kissimmee is Seminole for "fleece the tourists". Florida has no state income tax. They make up for the shortfall with toll roads, sales tax and speed traps. I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period! Ditto I-295 (Jacksonville). Free-range chickens and feral cats are not the most unsavory things in Key West. 'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road. Traffic lights are not timed and never will be. Floridians measure the distance we travel in time - not miles. If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're not in Florida anymore, Toto! There is no road construction season in Florida - it's continuous. If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to BACK UP! Disregard out-of-staters honking horns and swerving wildy to avoid you. Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from the reaction of visitors when we give them directions. Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection; eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red. These numbers are halved for the left turn lane. Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust. Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are acceptable. Any color socks may be worn with sandals. Your car's turn signal means nothing. It should be left on at all times, except when turning is anticipated. English (with or without a British accent) is our first and second language, except from Ft. Lauderdale to Homestead. Florida has the highest number and percentage of concealed carry permits of any state in the US - 1.3 million and ~ 7%, respectively. Approximately 1 in 14 Floridians is likely to be armed. The question you might want to ask yourself before messing with a Floridian is the same one Dirty Harry asked. It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator. Alligators are common in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one. When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood and batteries or to Publix to stock up on beer, water, ice and potato chips for the Hurricane party. You must know how to spell Okeechobee . There is an Okeechobee lake, town, county, Blvd, Street, and Avenue. A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches. Chances are, you weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here. There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner that isn't already occupied by a dollar store or a branch bank - with more being built every day. When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple. Better yet, don't pick up a woman on South Beach at all - no positive outcome is possible. It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas decorations. In south Florida the four seasons are summer. In the rest of Florida, the four seasons are Snowbird, Love Bug, Hurricane and Tourist. There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live. They all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. There is a thriving black market in Viagra. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the state!) Jupiter is a city, not a planet. Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays... not weeknights or weekends... that's for working folks. There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and a football team. You can't say, "This is how we did it up north". If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways. No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes. Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees because they let the help set the thermostat and they're working up a sweat. They don't care if you're cold. With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be cancelled or the premium doubled. The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades - and they are REALLY big. You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole. Don't worry about sinkholes - there's nothing you can do about them. Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc. The state bird of Florida is the "Early". There are four kinds of water in Florida; with sharks, with alligators, with chlorine and bottled. True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami . These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin. Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least once piece of gold lame'. The best parking spaces have nothing to do with the distance from the store entrance and everything to do with shade. Before moving to Florida, sell or give away all your snowshoes, snowmobiles, ice skates, skis, boots, gloves, mittens, long underwear, coats, scarves, heavy socks, snowblowers, snow tires, windshield scrapers, snow shovels and any garment heavier than a light sweatshirt. If you bring them here you'll be stuck with them. Snow has been reported in Florida, rarely, but is generally considered a hoax. Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools. Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When visible the head always has blue-white hair and over-sized, black wrap-around sunglasses. It's entirely possible that they are trying to get to a restaurant in time for the Early Bird Special with dilated pupils after an eye appointment. Headless Floridian drivers turn on their emergency flashers and drive very slowly when it rains, unless late for an Early Bird Special. In summer, if you're not being rained on, someone else is. This would be even funnier if it weren't so true! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,013 Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 Overheard on a train to Glasgow.Lady enters a crowded compartment at Gilmour Street Station, Paisley.“Hallo Helen. How ur ye?”“Fine, just fine, I haven’t seen you around for quite a while.”“Naw. Ah wis in Florida visiting my daughter. You know the wan wi’ six wains. My that Florida is some place. Big hooses everywhere wi swimmin’ pools. Orlando is magic so it is.”“Where does your daughter live in Florida?”“In a big condom just north of Tampax.”(Compartment in uproar. People still breaking into fits of giggles when the train pulls into Glasgow Central.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 “In a big condom just north of Tampax.” He'd obviously been there - he's got it nailed. John Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 25, 2014 Report Share Posted July 25, 2014 This one for John Allard: (sorry about the formatting - this is how I received it and I'll be damned if I'm going to take the time to fix it) A refresher covering Southern idiosyncrosys. > Things I> learned living in the South A possum is a> flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the> road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and> 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. > All 10,000 of them live in the South, Plus a couple no one's ever seen> before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. > If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are> words. It is not a shopping cart...> It is a> buggy! Jawl-P? Means, did you all go to> the bathroom? People actually grow, eat and like> okra. Fixinto is one word. It means> I'm going to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. > There is only dinner and then there's> supper. Iced tea is> appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when> you're two. We do like a> little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the> Wine of the South. Backwards and forwards means I know> everything about you. The word jeet is actually a question> meaning, 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch,> because it doesn't matter what time it is,> You work until> you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons...> You MASH> 'em. Ya'll is singular. All> ya'll is plural. All the festivals across the state are> named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or> animal. You carry jumper cables in your car -> for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt,> pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and> international news on one page, But it requires 6> pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and> gossip. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar,> Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name). You think that the first day of deer> season is a national holiday. You know what a> hissy fit> is.. Fried catfish is the other white> meat. We don't need no dang Driver's> Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can> drive!!! You understand these jokes and forward> them to your Southern friends And those who just> wish they were from the SOUTH. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 25, 2014 Report Share Posted July 25, 2014 Unfortunately, most of those ring true. I haven't lived here long enough to have adopted many of them, but they exist, pretty much just as the list suggests. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2014 In the 70's children would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. Oh yeah... and you also watched TV shows presented by paedophiles, or went on them and got molested. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2014 You know you're an ugly bugger when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. (Why is it always my turn?) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now