hifly 925 Posted August 26, 2017 Report Share Posted August 26, 2017 Interviewer, "What are your weaknesses?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a s**t what you think." 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted August 26, 2017 Report Share Posted August 26, 2017 My friend thinks he is freakin' smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted September 5, 2017 Report Share Posted September 5, 2017 A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2017 WW2 pilots brief account of a day of fighting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted September 8, 2017 Report Share Posted September 8, 2017 The old ones are the best eh Joe. The Magnificent Seven were booked to do an advert for after shave in Liverpool. Only six turned up. Yul never wore cologne. 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted September 9, 2017 Report Share Posted September 9, 2017 14 hours ago, hifly said: The old ones are the best eh Joe. The Magnificent Seven were booked to do an advert for after shave in Liverpool. Only six turned up. Yul never wore cologne. For those not au fait with Liverpool football club supporters, their anthem is the song, You'll Never Walk Alone. Now say out loud, Yul never wore cologne. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 My father, a man of few words said to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted September 22, 2017 Report Share Posted September 22, 2017 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 5, 2017 Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 Why do women close their eyes when kissing? Because they don't like to see a man enjoying himself!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 5, 2017 Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 A stranger goes into an old english pub in a little village. All the locals eye him warily, the landlord says to him, "Hello there, what can I get you?" The man looks tired, it's a hot day. Then says, "I need a beer, but I have lost my wallet, is there anything I can do?" The landlord looks somewhat affronted, " No money but you want a beer, well I'll tell you what, over by the door is a big spittoon. It's been there a while, but if you can take a sip of the contents and keep it down, I'll give you a beer with a whisky chaser!" The man looks across at the big foul smelling pot with its slimy contents. "Ok , I'll give it a go" he says. He lifts the pot, the locals look stunned, he y takes a tentative sip.......and then keeps going until the thing is empty! By this time several onlookers had thrown up and others had walked out in disgust. The landlord is astounded. " Bloody hell mate, I said a sip, you didn't have to drain the thing! Here's your beer and complete bottle of scotch to sterilise your insides! Why didn't you stop?" The man , looking visibly green said, " I tried to stop after a sip, but it was one long stringy lump of phlegm and I couldn't snap it!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 5, 2017 Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 I am so glad I don't eat breakfast...but I almost lost my coffee reading that Alan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted October 5, 2017 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 Thanks Al, I have just sat down after a big dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 5, 2017 Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 That s'not funny , Alan!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 5, 2017 Report Share Posted October 5, 2017 Tom Williams is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Tom turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Tom says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Tom's thingie. Then one night Tom didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Tom's little Pal. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Tom smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's." 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 10, 2017 Report Share Posted October 10, 2017 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted October 10, 2017 Report Share Posted October 10, 2017 With all the politics going off in Spain recently, it reminded me of an occasion years ago when I went to spend a penny. On the wall in front of where I stood someone had scribed " Free Baader Meinofff" below it someone else had scribed " with every packet of cornflakes" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 11, 2017 Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 Why the world is in trouble NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028! Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause ! Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 11, 2017 Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 And Sarah Huckabee Sanders said to the reporter, "The President didn't mean that and we will just have to agree to disagree." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 11, 2017 Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 Political...turn away now if offended easilly. God I hope Trump doesn't show up to PR assist with the Sonoma County fires, he would probably just toss fuel onto the problems...nice soft fluffy rolls of fuel. Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 12, 2017 Report Share Posted October 12, 2017 I thought that his IQ was far to high for him to something as silly as that. Link to post Share on other sites
SEATAC 400 Posted October 12, 2017 Report Share Posted October 12, 2017 On 10/11/2017 at 05:45, dodgy-alan said: Why the world is in trouble NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028! Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause ! Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause! That is a very old joke that gets recycled. The first time I heard it it was a Polish joke. I guess it changes to suit the times 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tonym 4 Posted October 12, 2017 Report Share Posted October 12, 2017 https://i.imgur.com/0alHe5A 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 12, 2017 Report Share Posted October 12, 2017 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 13, 2017 Report Share Posted October 13, 2017 A friend and I passed a homeless guy and I gave him 5 dollars. 1/2 block later once past the guy my friend looks at me and says, "You know he's just going to spend that on drugs and booze". I said, "yeah, so what, that's what I was going to spend it on too." 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 18, 2017 Report Share Posted October 18, 2017 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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