The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Quickmarch 488]

This past few days have been so cold in Toronto that all the lawyers are walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

An rough looking chopper rider was distracted one morning as he was riding into an unfamiliar town. He was noticing a red headed thing to the left of him who was noticing him and thus he failed to notice a stopped pickup truck at the intersection ahead...BAM. After an abrupt stop that sent him abruptly forward on his seat, and as his forks folded under the bike he launched off the tank into the bed of the pickup with a fresh set of mangled balls. Nothing else was broken (and not a scratch on the truck...lol) although he would have preferred just about anything else to have been broken...god the pain. Well, bikers of his sort don't usually carry AAA cards nor health insurance so after the pickup driver made his condolences and left, he looked around for any help he could find and noticed an ice cream shop just down the block...ICE...yes!

After a painful hobble to the shop he asked if the young clerk if they had any ice? "Sorry sir, we use refrigeration and have no need of ice here, there is a supermarket a few blocks west up First St. that carries ice". To far he thought....So he ordered a large bowl of plain vanilla.

"Would you like crushed nuts with that sir?"

"I brought my own thanks".

[Quickmarch 488]

An rough looking chopper rider was distracted one morning as he was riding

 

 

I have a video that covers this same subject. You lot would get a kick out of it.

 

Problem is; it's on my computer and I have no idea how to post it here. I use SmugMug for photo storage and there's no way to upload videos to that site.

 

Any suggestions?

[mutley 4,495]

Most photo hosting sites will host videos too, like PhotoBucket or upload to Youtube.

[Quickmarch 488]

Thanks Joe,

 

Unfortunately, SmugMug won't and that's who I have. I should look into Photobucket, I understand it's a free site.

[hifly 925]

Yea John it's free and user friendly, even I can use it.

[brett 2,310]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.  A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.  "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"  

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,  "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."  

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.  Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"  

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.  That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......  a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

 

*********************************************************************

 

A young couple took their five-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small genitals.

 

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

 

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

 

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

 

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

 

 

[Quickmarch 488]

My wife was racing around the boat looking for me just now ......I hear " where are you " what are you doing " .....I'm here in the galley swatting flies " I say ......   She says there are no flies at this time of year ...... I'm firm with my story and embellish it a bit...
I say .....darn tootin there are flies I just swatted 5 of em, then added  " 3 males and 2 females "  ( she's blonde ya know ) so she says how could you tell if they were male or female ......I tell her "3 were sitting on the beer can on the counter" and the other two were on the phone".
 

[mutley 4,495]

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and they hear a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was empty so I had to strangle her!"

[mutley 4,495]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[allardjd 1,853]

I've met that guy. In fact, I worked with him once or twice in my career.

John

[mutley 4,495]

Or more I suspect John! 

[mutley 4,495]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a firm grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want. "

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the Indian responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. 

[allardjd 1,853]

A couple was shopping at the mall early on New Year's Eve.

 

The mall was quite busy. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

 

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

 

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

 

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[mutley 4,495]

My wife left me for being vain and self-centred. Oh well, her loss.

[mutley 4,495]

We've just been told tonight to prepare for strong wind, disruption, chaos and untold misery.

Not sure what time the mother-in-law is turning up?! 

[brett 2,310]

Knock, knock.....she's here.

[allardjd 1,853]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

 

Men Are Just Happier People --

 

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack..
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000...Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original colour.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

 

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Quickmarch 488]

Thanks John,

 

There's information there I can use. I particularly like the Thought For The Day. Well done!

 

Has anyone seen Joe today?

[Quickmarch 488]

Latest Mathematics conversions

 

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a banana peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet of silver in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

Happy New Year to all of my friends at MH

[allardjd 1,853]

An Old Pilot's Reflections

 

Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can't fly.

 

Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride.

 

Fighter Pilots are steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable. The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. (However, these feelings don't involve anyone else.)

 

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

 

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

 

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you (and one of them will):

• a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, knowing it is your last flight.
• b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight.

 

There are rules and there are laws:

• The rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you.
• The laws (of physics) were ordained by God.

You can and sometimes should suspend the rules, but you can never suspend the laws.

 

About Rules:

• a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
• b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

 

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full.

 

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

 

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over the ocean. Most of them are scary.

 

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

 

"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." (President, DELTA Airlines.)

 

In the Alaskan bush, I'd rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

 

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

 

Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

 

I've flown in both pilot seats. Can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

 

And my favorite; You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

[mutley 4,495]

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

 

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

 

"Its only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

 

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

 

"Watch the road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

[Quickmarch 488]

96 year old lady is sailing down the road at 15 over the limit and draws the attention of the local constabulary. When stopped the officer is flabbergasted that she can't produce a drivers licence.

 

She explained: "My doctor tore it up when I turned 90 and told me I wouldn't be needing it anymore"

[mutley 4,495]

A young woman is lying on her death bed hopelessly close to her end, her husband enters the room and gently cups her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters her remaining strength and gently whispers "Darling I must come clean with you".

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength. 

She continues anyway telling him that she hasn't been entirely faithful to him and informs him of her multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies "I know darling, why the hell do you think I poisoned you?"

[allardjd 1,853]

Guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.  I told them, the one who knows how to fix elevators.

 

I'm old, tired, and I pee a lot.

 

Just like you.