hifly 925 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Guy at the barbers asked me how I'd like my hair cut. In silence please I repied. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 15, 2014 Report Share Posted January 15, 2014 Carol, a blonde Essex girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ...... 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.' Link to post Share on other sites
Frog on Toast 6 Posted January 15, 2014 Report Share Posted January 15, 2014 Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature That buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened around at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.” “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.” “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people around, to interview you, take photos, etc.” An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however it reads: "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side." Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 16, 2014 Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and whispered, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is p*ssing down with rain outside."Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick."I'll go and make up a bed for you."When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.Mick says,"What the f**k happened to you?"Paddy replies,"I went home for my pyjamas." Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted January 16, 2014 Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 Not really a joke but thought it was funny.... Diet Food “The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”–Julia Child Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Re: Common Sense 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 2. Men can avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. 4.A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 6. Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night 7. You need only two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Not really a joke but thought it was funny.... Diet Food “The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”–Julia Child True story: I asked my doctor what was the best diet. He told me: "Don't put anything in your mouth". Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 I said to the doctor, 'I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.' He said,'It sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome.' I asked, 'Is it common?' He said, 'It's not unusual.' Thankyou Tommy Cooper. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 @ Joe - is this your car? HTTPS://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/KBxSntGGm8U?rel=0 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Nope, it's still on the drive! <phew> Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?", your answer should always be "Yes".Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet for real. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Still chuckling over the towtruck driver............. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Yeah, I wonder what he's doing for a living now? John Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 A car wrecking business perhaps. Or a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. John, you crack me up!. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2014 Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!Wife - Do you want me to leave?Husband - No! Don't even think about it.Wife - Do you love me?Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?Husband - No! Why are you even asking?Wife - Will you kiss me?Husband - Every chance I get!Wife - Will you hit me?Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!Wife - Can I trust you?Husband - Yes.Wife - Darling!AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 2, 2014 Report Share Posted February 2, 2014 Homesick Snowbird I was in Pt. Charlotte, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Detroit." So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!" John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2014 Way to go John! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted February 2, 2014 Report Share Posted February 2, 2014 Loved it, very funny John. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have just invented a new word - "Plagiarism" Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,495 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 What was Trigger's favourite TV channel? Rodney. (Probably only UK members would understand this one) Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 Quote I have just invented a new word - "Plagiarism" ...but did you help algore invent the Internet? John Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 What was Trigger's favourite TV channel? Rodney. (Probably only UK members would understand this one) And there I was thinking that Wales ws still in the UK. So, what's "Rodney",please? Hwyl - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
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