The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[hifly 925]

I woke up shaking and sweating last night, having a nightmare that Gloria Gaynor was sitting at the bottom of my bed;

 

First I was afraid, I was petrified!

 

 

 Haha , nice one Dean and welcome to the madhouse Hanger. There's technical stuff here and so much more, very friendly bunch so pull up a F/O and sit down.

 

Now go, walk out the door...

 

[brett 2,310]

I woke up shaking and sweating last night, having a nightmare that Gloria Gaynor was sitting at the bottom of my bed;

 

First I was afraid, I was petrified!

 

 

So I shot her, I hate disco.

[J G 927]

I am sorry Brett, I could never shoot Gloria Gaynor........ You just cant buy a hand gun in the UK!

 

I hate disco too.  

[brett 2,310]

Even if you hate it, if your not paying attention when the music plays, you will start taping your foot to the tune.

[J G 927]

Even if you hate it, if your not paying attention when the music plays, you will start taping your foot to the tune.

 

If I do that, then shoot my foot off!

[brett 2,310]

Haha

 

*Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

 

*What's another word for Thesaurus?

 

*I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

 

*Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

[mutley 4,495]

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here.

[hifly 925]

A horse walks into a bar.

 

The barman says. "Why the long face?"

[mutley 4,495]

A guy walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavoured potato chips?"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

[allardjd 1,853]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

A very large woman walks into a bar with a pig under her arm.

 

The bartender says, "Did you buy that pig at a livestock auction?"

 

The pig says, "No, I won her in a raffle."

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

A [choose the minority you wish to offend here] walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, "Why do you have a duck on your head?"

 

The duck says, "It's not him, Doc, it's me. I've got a growth on my ass."

[allardjd 1,853]

A man buys a lie-detector robot that is designed to slap people in the face if they tell a lie. On the first night with the new robot, the father asks his son what he did after school.

 

The son replies, "I did my homework." and is promptly slapped by the robot.

 

"OK", he says, "I was at my friend's house watching movies."

 

The father asks which movies and the son answers, "Star Wars." The robot slaps him again.

 

"Alright, alright, we watched a porn movie."

 

The father is aghast and says, "What? Porn? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

 

The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

[mutley 4,495]

You're on a roll John!

[mutley 4,495]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a whiskey and .........Soda"

 

The barman says 'why the big pause'?

 

'Dunno' says the bear. 'I've always had them'

[mutley 4,495]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

'What the hell is that'? Asks the barman.

The toad replies 'I don't know, it started as a wart on my ass and grew'

[hifly 925]

A man goes to a fancy dress party in his ordinary clothes but with his girlfriend on his back.

 

Someone asks him, 'Well what have you came as?'

 

'A snail and this is Michelle.'

[allardjd 1,853]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

 

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

 

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

 

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

 

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

 

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

 

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

 

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

 

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t !!!"

 

The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

[allardjd 1,853]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[brett 2,310]

   Score a double on that pair John.

[J G 927]

An Italian, a Frenchman,and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion. 

  

The Italian said: 

 

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest, extra virgin, olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes". 

  

The Frenchman said: 

 

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes".

  

The Englishman said: 

 

"That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with well butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, we then made love and I made her scream for two, long hours". 

 

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. What were you doing to her to make her scream for two hours"? 

  

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains".

 

[allardjd 1,853]

That'll do it.

 

John

[mutley 4,495]

I still have a few of these!

 

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu."

 

When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?"

 

When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon one end well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee."

 

Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!"

 

Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

 

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

...deleted comment re: something pages back....stupid Smart phone.

[mutley 4,495]

Or maybe not so smart.. phone!