The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

 

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

 

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

 

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. 

 

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospitaland the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."*

 

[mutley 4,498]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" 

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" 

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.." 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

 

"Oh, really! What did he say ?"

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>He said: "Who the f**k cut your hair?"

 

[brett 2,315]

    Double dose of the haha's

[mutley 4,498]

Ironing done.

Hoovering done.

Washing done.

Dusting done.

Kids bathed.

Kids in bed.

 

Perfect!

 

Now I can leave the pub.

[mutley 4,498]

Intelligence experts from the UK, US and France are assisting the Nigerian government with investigating the Boko Haram kidnapping. 

 

This is somewhat of a U-turn for the French who had initially surrendered when they found out that the militants had an army of over 200 schoolgirls at their disposal.

[mutley 4,498]

My mate asked me how I got on at the golf course...

 

I said, "Terrible! Sliced my ball at the 1st tee."

 

He said, "Wrong choice of club?"

 

"No mate! Left a Stanley knife in my pocket."

[brett 2,315]

Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through.

He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back.

His partner asked what happened and the

man replied, "Small world, huh?"

 

 

[brett 2,315]

A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired

with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook

the ball out of bounds.

He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan.

He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."

[mutley 4,498]

I've started cycling to work everyday in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.

So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket. 

[allardjd 1,853]

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

 

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

 

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[allardjd 1,853]

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

 

 

 

 

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

 

 

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

 

 

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do ?

 

 

 

 

ANSWER:

 

 

British  Police Officer:

 

 

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

 

 

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

 

 

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

 

 

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

 

 

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

 

 

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

 

 

6) Could I run away ?

 

 

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

 

 

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

 

 

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

 

 

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

 

 

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

 

 

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

 

 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

 

 

Canadian Police Officer:

 

 

BANG !

 

 

American Police Officer:

 

 

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

 

 

'Click' (changing magazines)

 

 

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

 

 

Glasgow Police Officer:

 

 

"Haw, Jimmy.. Drop the knife, now, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

 

 

 

 

[mutley 4,498]

I like John!!

[mutley 4,498]

However, blunt knives are pointless...

[hifly 925]

However, blunt knives are pointless...

 

Like cheap sandpaper, it's not up to scratch.

 

[J G 927]

Oh - weren't those last two so Basil Brush! ..... Boom Boom Mr Stephen!

[allardjd 1,853]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

 

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

 

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

 

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

 

 

 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

 

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, So I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

 

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.   So I decided I needed a girl with stability.  

 

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.   She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

 

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[allardjd 1,853]

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...

 

One lazy Sunday morning a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sittinga at the breakfast table, when he said to her unexpectedly, "When I die I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

 

"Now why would you wnat me to do something like that?", she asked.

 

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

 

She looked at him intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[allardjd 1,853]

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and no other word, and no other language, can do it justice. 

 

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her $1.00, but never take a pretzel.

 

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're $1.25 now."

 

[allardjd 1,853]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

 

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.  A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. 

 

The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine." 

 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. 

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." 

 

The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[brett 2,315]

I mowed the lawn today, after doing that I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink made for some deep thinking on various topics. One that stood out was about an age old question; Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

 

Women have always maintained that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some more heavy deductive reasoning, I have come up with an answer to this question.

 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. What!, you say? Here is the reason I have come to this conclusion. A year or so ago after giving birth, a women will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

I rest my case. Time for another beer and some more deep thinking.

[allardjd 1,853]

A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

 

"Mom" said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

 

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

 

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

 

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

 

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

 

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

 

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

[J G 927]

 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. What!, you say? Here is the reason I have come to this conclusion. A year or so ago after giving birth, a women will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

 

Respect Brett.  You are clearly a man of great wisdom. Have another beer and think some more. I could have another beer and tell this one to my wife.  Yes, beer makes you the wisest and bravest man on the planet. That is why the pain of hangovers goes way deeper than just a headache! 

[jaydor 345]

2 Dyslexics run into a Bank and shout

 

"Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up"    

[Quickmarch 488]

What's the last thing that passes through a bug's mind as he hits the windshield?

 

His nether end.