The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Quickmarch 488]

A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says; "Make me one with everything".

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

 

[Quickmarch 488]

 

Very timely as it's (local gov't) election time here on Vancouver Island.

[hifly 925]

Good one Al, rings a bell, reminds me of this oldie.

 

Ten trainee monks had one last test before they became monks proper. It was a test of their oath of celibacy.

 

They all had to stand in a line naked with a bell attached to their members as a beautiful naked woman danced provocatively in front of each of them. If their bell rung they failed the test.

 

She danced down the line to no response until she got to number ten. In his excitement the bell rang and rang so hard that it fell off.

 

In embarrassment he bent over to pick it up.

 

Nine bells rang and rang.

[allardjd 1,853]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.  After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

 

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

 

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

 

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

 

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

 

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

 

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.  Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[allardjd 1,853]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

 

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

 

The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

 

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is from Scotland, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

 

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[allardjd 1,853]

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.  The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

 

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire county. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The fence hot wire has broken and is laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

 

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.  Time stood still.

 

The first thing I notice is my privates trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

 

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like  there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

 

This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.  'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

 

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire .... 

 

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.  There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

 

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a new one now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

 

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

 

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[allardjd 1,853]

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

 

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters ESNIP and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

 

Those who answered “SPINE” are doctors today.

 

The rest of us are pilots, posting jokes on forums....

[mutley 4,498]

Ha ha! I love penis jokes!

[Quickmarch 488]

Question: Why do they name hurricanes ( storms, not aircraft ) after women?

Answer: They come in wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and the car.

[mutley 4,498]

Another 40 one liners, warning, some of them may have been posted before!

 

1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

5. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

6. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

7. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

8. What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

9. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

10. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

11. “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”

12. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

14. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

15. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

16. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

17. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

18. I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves

19. What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.

20. “I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

21. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? (whether they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’): K.

22. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

23. A baby seal walks into a club.

24. My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo.

25. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

26. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

27. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

28. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

29. There’s no “I” in Denial.

30. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

31. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

32. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

33. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

34. Two penguins walk into a bar… which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

35. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

36. I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets…. then it hit me.

37. Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

38. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

39. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…

40. I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

 

[ddavid 149]

Thanks, Joe - lifted my spirits there, Mate!

Cheers - Dai.

[mutley 4,498]

Some more for you Dai 

 

The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My wife manages to get on every one of them!

 

***********************************************************

 

Teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

Susie says, "We need a computer".

Wendy says. "We need a car".

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new (enter ethnicity here) boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we bloody need!"

 

*********************************************************

 

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!

 

**********************************************************

 

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!

 

**********************************************************

 

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".

"Don't be silly", she said. "You can borrow my iPad".

That spider never knew what bloody hit it!  

(I had to explain that one to lisa!)

 

************************************************************

 

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England!

 

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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!

 

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English Stiff Upper Lip:

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the  compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?”

 

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

 

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[mutley 4,498]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal) 

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers..... and then there are educators

[M.I.B. 39]

Now for some ADVERTISING:

Dear fellow simmer, r u concerned you spend too much time sim-flying? Do you ever have the feeling that your darn simulator and its eye-catchy PMDGs and ORBXs are slowly but surely taking over your entire life? Is your stomach being melted by the ever growing level of acid inside it, a phenomenon that is the result of quitting the life-sustaining habit of eating, so that you don't loose that precious time when you can use it to sim-fly? Are you in that situation when you can't remember how it's like to sleep? Are you fighting your loved ones when they try to pull you off the sim chair? DO YOU WANT TO REGAIN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE? Then what the hell r u waiting for, ORDER our "life regainer for simmers" today for only $999.999,9 a month by calling the number displayed on your screen: 911. But wait! Call within an hour and you get 2 FREAKIN' LIFE REGAINERS! That's right, 2 life regainers for simmers at the price of just 2 regainers. But if you order it RIGHT NOW you also get a FREE copy of Majestic' Q400 and another FREE copy of ORBX' Vernonia Municipal...both for the shockingly low price of $999.9 Call today! The hell r u wedding foh?

[M.I.B. 39]

[J G 927]

 

 

 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

Facts About the Human Body

 

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
• The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
• Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

Women will be finished reading this by now.  Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[J G 927]

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.......

.......Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

Bugger! I got caught out with that one

 

Girls take note, as geek sit at their Playstations developing their thumbs.... well every cloud....

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Abu Hamsa goes to the doctors, He says to the doc, "Ive got a sore throat, and everytime I cough little slime balls come out of my mouth wrapped in black cloth!" The doctor looks at him , thinks for a minute, then says, "I know exactly what the problem is.......you've got tonsilisis!"

[Quickmarch 488]

Wine Is Not the Only Drink That's Good For You!

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine.

For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink single malt whiskey.

And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick

[brett 2,315]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Hockey Night 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving program stability by installing the background application Yes Dear 27 .

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to require a lot of maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2 However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Do-it-Yourself 9.5 or Take a Hike 6.2 Once this happens, the only way to recover Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional cleanup software. I don't recommend Flowers 2.1 but Diamonds 5.0 and Spa 4.1 are both good choices.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[allardjd 1,853]

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.  Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

 

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

 

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

[allardjd 1,853]

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.  She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.

 

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

 

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing.  Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

 

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

 

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

 

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

 

"What are those?" he asked.

 

"Viagra," she replied.

 

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." 

 

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[mutley 4,498]

Russell Brand deserves recognition for his contributions to comedy, literature, fashion, politics and philosophy. I'm hoping he'll soon get a title.

Preferably "The Late".