mutley 4,493 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Working that one out March! That's £1 money, so I would be a squillionaire! Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 341 Posted January 9, 2015 Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .The Italian said:"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extravirgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,non-stop, for five minutes."The Frenchman said:"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumedaphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I madeher scream for fifteen minutes."The Englishman said:That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with aspecial butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and thenmade love and I made her scream for two long hours."The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 9, 2015 Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brian's but, as they're served, a fly lands in each pint. The Englishman immediately pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away. The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the beer and holds it over the glass shouting, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
britfrog 180 Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS: CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening >From CATSA : Terrorists Discovered Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Haemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls. ...Thought you'd like to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dean33 29 Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 Actual Exchanges Between Pilots And Control Towers. The Last One Is Gold. DoonToon http://www.tickld.com/funny/t/1063636 1 month ago Share this with your friends by clicking below! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 12, 2015 Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet! I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap! I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"? I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it! Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud? At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,011 Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Coffee Club."My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one."Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee.""I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third."What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement."My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another."I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another."I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.The others nodded in agreement."Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive." This is just how I feel at the moment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Is that so Brian? If so commiserations and speedy recovery. It's this bl**dy winter stuff cold, dark, we should hibernate or fly south for four months. But the days are getting longer already and in no time we'll be gallivanting in the summer sun. Apart from Scotland. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 When I married my wife, her father promised me a cow and an acre of land. 20 years later, I'm still waiting for the land. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 The wife has got really good at ventriloquism. She scared the sh*t out of her gynaecologist today 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 We had a power cut last night, no computer, no television, the Ipad is bust, I couldn't be bothered to go to the pub. So I went into the kitchen to make a cuppa, no kettle, so I opened a bottle of wine and went into the candle lit living room where Kate, my wife, was sitting. So we shared a few glasses and chatted for a couple of hours. She's quite a nice person really. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 I understand Canada has found a new terrorist on Vancouver Island. He's called No Salmon, Been Logging Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Working that one out March! That's £1 money, so I would be a squillionaire! Going back a ways, Joe. I missed your comment so didn't reply. This was a tongue-in-cheek reference to my definition of a pound. 1 Lb = 16 ozs. I'm a bit overweight (according to my doctor - but what does he know?). Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks March! ============================================== My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun." "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man. "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father. The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert." "Tell me," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this crap?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,011 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 A young bull and an old wise bull, were standing on a hilltop looking down at over a dozen cows feeding in the meadow. The young bull said "Let's run down there and inseminate one of those cows"? "No" say's the old wise bull. " Lets walk down there and inseminate the lot".. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 30, 2015 Report Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm reading a book about weightlessness. I can't put it down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 I had a fling with a woman from my fencing club. It was a rather sworded affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 I once tried to cut into a relationship with a cutlass in a fencing class, but her boyfriend foiled the attempt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 And hifly...If you liked that book, you should pick up "The History of Steelworking"...A riveting story that will weld you to your seat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 I was at a job interview today. The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery." I said, "That's correct." He said, "Would you like to elaborate?" I said, "Nope" Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy"... I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 I was in the Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said, "Curry ok sir?" I said "ok, one song then bugger off!" Link to post Share on other sites
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