The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

[mutley 4,498]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[allardjd 1,853]

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother...

 

The rumors about little Johnny are greatly exaggerated.  I was a model child....

 

John(ny)

[mutley 4,498]

Ha ha! Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth!

[Quickmarch 488]

So was I ( a model child, that is). However, that' my opinion, not the opinion of management.

[hifly 925]

I was a model child too, Airfix, Frog, Revell...

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

My folks said i wasn't a model child, but I still have "extra parts" still glued to me as proof.

[Quickmarch 488]

The FBO where I learned to fly (CYHM) had a cartoon in the washroom at eye level over the urinal. It featured a cartoon picture of a little airplane dripping something from it's exhaust stack.

The caption was: "Those with low manifold pressure and/or short stacks should taxi closer to the hold line"

Strange how my memory works these days, don't ask me what prompted this recollection.

[allardjd 1,853]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[hifly 925]

The buxom young housemaid asked Her Ladyship for a pay rise.

 

Her Ladyship.  "And what makes you think you deserve more money?"

 

Housemaid. "I'm better at cleaning than you."

 

HL "Who told you that?"

 

Maid  "Your husband told me that."

 

HL "Oh really. Any other reasons as to why I should increase your wages?"

 

Maid "I'm a better cook than you."

 

HL "And pray, who told you that?"

 

Maid "Your husband told me that too."

 

HL  "Did he now? I shall have to have words for him. Anything else?"

 

Maid "I'm better in bed than you."

 

HL exasperated. "And I suppose that bloody scoundrel husband of mine told you that too?"

 

Maid "No it was that handsome young footman you recently employed. Now how about that pay rise?"  

[Quickmarch 488]

Same joke, different slant

- wealthy man standing in the drawing room says to wife: "if you learned to cook, we could fire the chef and save some money

- wife retorts: " if you learned to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and save some more

[mutley 4,498]

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.

"Shelf E," replied the librarian.

"Aye that's the one," said Sean

[mutley 4,498]

Wind turbines.

I'm a big fan.

[mutley 4,498]

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

[needles 1,013]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[mutley 4,498]

So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'jeez, the stupid animal is so damn easily amused'

And then I realised that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

the other day I was sitting around watching my human wiggle a stick, tap buttons, and stare at colored lights, while ignoring clearly distressing noises coming from the other side of the room... & I thought to myself, wow, humans are so easily amused. Then, I realized I had been staring at the human for 10 minutes tapping buttons and staring at colored lights... So I yawned, and left to do battle with a string monster.

[allardjd 1,853]

This one has been around a while, but I think it captures the essence of cats perfectly...

A Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:40 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing!

7:30 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

A Cat's Diary

Day 972 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Evil People!!

Day 973 of my captivity.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 974 of my captivity.

Two workmen came to the house today. As they rested after strengthening the interior of my confines, I sat on one, gently hooking my claws into their clothing. My plan was to cling on until they left, thus escape with them under the cover of their departure. The other workman went outside first and came back smelling strangely after something called a "cigarette". Curses! I'd picked the wrong one! I heard they are coming back again in another week. I will repeat my escape attempt then.

Day 975 of my captivity.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.....

[mutley 4,498]

Not really jokes but one liners from HRH Price Philip on his travels over the years, some make me laugh some make me cringe! There's 90 of them 

 

1 After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”

 

2 To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”

 

3 To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”

 

4 To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”

 

5 To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”

 

6 After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”

 

7 At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”

 

8 To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”

 

9 To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”

 

10 His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”

 

11 At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”

 

12 To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”

 

13 To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”

 

14 To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”

 

15 His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”

 

16 To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”

 

17 Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”

 

18 To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”

 

19 In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”

 

20 “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987

 

21 On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”

 

22 Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”

 

23 “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.

 

24 At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”

 

25 To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”

 

26 To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”

 

27 On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”

 

28 On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”

 

29 After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

 

30 To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”

 

31 On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”

 

32 On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”

 

33 To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”

 

34 To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”

 

35 To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”

 

36 To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”

 

37 At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

 

38 “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.

 

39 A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”

 

40 On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”

 

41 To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”

 

42 To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”

 

43 When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”

 

44 “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.

 

45 At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”

 

46 On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”

 

47“You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.

 

48 At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”

 

49 To achildren’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”

 

50 At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”

 

51 On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”

 

52 To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”

 

53 At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”

 

54 To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each filmother?”

 

55 At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”

 

56 After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”

 

57 To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”

 

58 To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”

 

59 To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”

 

60 To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”

 

61 “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.

 

62 To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”

 

63 Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”

 

64 Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”

 

65 “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.

 

66 After hearing President Obama had had breakfast with leaders of the UK, China and Russia, 2010: “Can you tell the difference between them?”

 

67 On students from Brunei, 1998: “I don’t know how they’re going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield.”

 

68 On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”

 

69 To wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”

 

70 Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year: “That’s a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?”

 

71 To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”

 

72 On a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957: “It’s not a very big one, but at least it’s dead and it took an awful lot of killing!”

 

73 On being made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in 1953: “Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.”

 

74 “I must be the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane.” He hated the noise Concorde made flying over Buckingham Palace, 2002

 

75 To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”

 

76 To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”

 

77 On stroking a koala in 1992: “Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”

 

78 On marriage in 1997: “You can take it from me the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.”

 

79 To schoolchildren in blood-red uniforms, 1998: “It makes you all look like Dracula’s daughters!”

 

80 “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.

 

81 To female Labour MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”

 

82 On Nottingham Forest trophies in 1999: “I suppose I’d get in trouble if I were to melt them down.”

 

83 “It’s my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.” 1956.

 

84 To a penniless student in 1998: “Why don’t you go and live in a hostel to save cash?”

 

85 On robots colliding, Science Museum, 2000: “They’re not mating are they?”

 

86 While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”

 

87 To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”

 

88 To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”

 

89 To journalist Caroline Wyatt, who asked if the Queen was enjoying a Paris trip, 2006: “Damn fool question!”

 

 

90 On smoke alarms to a woman who lost two sons in a fire, 1998: “They’re a damn nuisance - I’ve got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.”

[allardjd 1,853]

I think I have a new entry for my hero list...

John

[hifly 925]

CLASSIC! Bless im though, he is a National Treasure and worth having the royal family for him alone.

[J G 927]

All the Royal Family are worth their weight in gold.  Some for tourism, some for their tireless charity work, some for their non-political statesmanship, all of them for their entertainment value!  

[brett 2,315]

He kinda sounds like a lovable pampered twit.   

[allardjd 1,853]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chick-pea..?

 

 

 

I'd never pay good money to have a lentil on my face!