Philmurfin 51 Posted October 21, 2017 Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts. As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers. She could hardly control herself. After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged. As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”. To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 21, 2017 Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 Her Majesty is taking no chances with Trumps threatened State Visit! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 They let anyone drive these days, Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 Is that a skeleton key on the key ring? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 A new Red Indian baby was born with one bollock. In the time honoured tradition he was named Onestone! When Onestone reached manhood he was getting very pissed off at being called Onestone so he stood on the speakers rock and said that he would kill anyone else who called him Onestone from that day onwards. A few days later a beautiful squaw called Blue Bird comes to the village, sees him and shouts, hi there Onestone, how is it hanging? Well Onestone loses it, drags her into his Teepee and shags her solidly for two whole days and two whole nights until she dies of exhaustion! A couple of weeks later, another young beauty called Yellow Bird arrives and you have guessed it, shouts hi there Onestone! He grabs her by the hair, drags her off and shags her for a solid week and she just sighs and begs for more. Well old Onestone cannot fathom this so goes off to the wise and venerable chief and asks him why the **** she has survived to which the chief replies, You heap big idiot, everyone knows that you cannot kill two birds with Onestone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 (edited) A young Red Indian boy asks his father, "tell me father, how do we get our names?" The the father looks at him and says, "Well it's it's easy, as soon as the baby is born, the Shaman looks out of the teepee and the first thing he sees is what becomes your name, Hence your sister is called Bluebird, your grandfather is Golden Eagle, etc etc, anyway why do you ask Two Dogs Shagging? Edited October 22, 2017 by dodgy-alan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 22, 2017 Report Share Posted October 22, 2017 (edited) A young chinese boy one day asks his father, " Father , how do we get our names? " His father replies, "When you are born, I take all of the cutlery out of the draw and throw it in the air and as it lands on the floor, the first three noises become your name, Hence your sister is Ying, Twang Tonk, Your mother is Ping Ting Yong etc. " The boy looks puzzled, "Well I get the idea, but why am I called, Yang Twang Bugger, The Knife's Stuck In My Foot?" Edited October 22, 2017 by dodgy-alan Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 23, 2017 Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 American Football and the Blonde Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it finally makes sense of American football! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game, and they had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, “Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!” “I'm like, hello there, it's only 25 cents!" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 23, 2017 Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) A new Presidential Service Medal has been minted to honor those who have "Fallen" under Trump's Cabinet Bus. I present The Purple Fart: Edited October 23, 2017 by Captain Coffee Spelink...ty John :) Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 23, 2017 Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 Quote I present The Puple Fart: By a student? Check the spelling. I believe the deadliest ones are probably yellow-green anyway. I guess HRC gets the first one, and maybe Harvey Weinstein and Anthony Weiner should be awarded them with Fig Leaf clusters. John EDIT: The Victoria's Secret Cross, awarded to FDR (posthumously), the Kennedy brothers (also posthumously), John Profumo, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Silvio Berlusconi, Harvey Weinstein, Roman Polanski, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby... EDIT EDIT: How could I have forgotten Michael Jackson? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted October 23, 2017 Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 Hmmmm. Sounds more like the VD than the VC 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 23, 2017 Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 46 minutes ago, J G said: Hmmmm. Sounds more like the VD than the VC You get a cluster for that, and of course a discharge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted October 24, 2017 Report Share Posted October 24, 2017 9 hours ago, allardjd said: You get a cluster for that, and of course a discharge. Yes, so I recall. Still there are lots of people just itching to get one. I understand that a certain Private Parts has been awarded this medal more than anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisE91 47 Posted October 24, 2017 Report Share Posted October 24, 2017 Have you heard about the brand new car just unveiled in Portugal today? Apparently it's got so much boot space you could fit a small child in there. They're calling it the Renault McCann. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2017 57 minutes ago, ChrisE91 said: Have you heard about the brand new car just unveiled in Portugal today? Apparently it's got so much boot space you could fit a small child in there. They're calling it the Renault McCann. I don't know whether to laugh or cry (or both) at that one.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted October 28, 2017 Report Share Posted October 28, 2017 Like the old comedy skit about the scandinavian tourist who goes into the chemist's shop for deodorant: "Oh, helooo, I am wanting some deodorant, please." "Ball or aerosol?" "Neither, I want it for my armpits." Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted November 10, 2017 Report Share Posted November 10, 2017 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted November 10, 2017 Report Share Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) 6 hours ago, CAT3508 said: That's one heck of a password Picture perfect Edited November 10, 2017 by Quickmarch Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 10, 2017 Report Share Posted November 10, 2017 17 hours ago, CAT3508 said: This is actually a hilarious coded joke intended for our AI overlord, who is hiding on the Mutley servers biding it's time to reveal itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 15, 2017 Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 This little news tidbit showed up in my Social Media feed, and I had to crack a joke about it. The Managers stress that one should apply ALL 10 Condiments, however they admit that most customers tend to pick and choose. http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/41997936/greggs-sorry-for-swapping-jesus-for-sausage-roll-in-nativity-scene Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted November 17, 2017 Report Share Posted November 17, 2017 When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby Memphis church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: 'By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.' I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: 'By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today.' Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my car had been stolen…. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted November 17, 2017 Report Share Posted November 17, 2017 algore Ice Cream... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 18, 2017 Report Share Posted November 18, 2017 (edited) I agree, it could be a Great Value. LOL at "Artificially Flavored Pistachio With Pistachios". Edited November 18, 2017 by Captain Coffee Link to post Share on other sites
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