The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

It looks like a Steampunk Apollo module.

[brett 2,314]

I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

 

 

[brett 2,314]

 

Edit: The vid starts toward the middle for some reason so start from the beginning.....

[CAT3508 343]

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. 

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

[mutley 4,497]

[hifly 925]

I went to my weekly premature ejaculation support group. Turns out it was tomorrow.

Edited February 3, 2018 by hifly

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I went to my procrastinators support group, however I arrived two days late... We had a terrific meeting, and everybody to agreed to meet again next week same time.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Captain Coffee

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I went to my Arsonist Anonymous support group, however I arrived late and it was smoking when I got there.

[Quickmarch 488]

You lot are slowing down - nothing since Feb 3!

 

Here's a cute one:

 

Test: Seven advantages of mother's milk
Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it

[allardjd 1,853]

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

 

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. 

 

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

 

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”  

 

John

[brett 2,314]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,

he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look

at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of

adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse you pulled over last week."

[brett 2,314]

I'm not anti-Trump although I don't agree with some things he does, pretty much the same way I have felt about many of our past presidents but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good joke, I might add that many I looked at were rather mean spirited instead of clever funny. 

 

What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"

 

My favorite Tweets,

 

Donald Trump is like if Homer Simpson inherited all of Mr. Burns' money

 

Donald Trump is like if a Yosemite Sam mudflap was a person

[CAT3508 343]

My friend has been admitted to hospital. She was poisoned by eating a daffodil bulb that she thought was an onion. The doctor say she'll be out in the spring.

[ChrisE91 47]

I bought my wife 100 red roses for Valentines day. She said I imagine you'll want me to spread my legs for these!? I said no, you can use a vase.

[IZ0JUB 162]

 

Edited February 18, 2018 by IZ0JUB
Needs moving to Jokes

[hifly 925]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Where did his poop go...?  Where he sat or in the USS Enterprise....just asking!!!

Edited February 20, 2018 by Tristarcaptain

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Here's a blast from the past.......(I wonder remembers this??!!)

 

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

On ‎2‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 10:34, Quickmarch said:

You lot are slowing down - nothing since Feb 3!

 

Here's a cute one:

 

Test: Seven advantages of mother's milk
Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it

Some containers are more attractive than others.......

[brett 2,314]

A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

[CAT3508 343]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Quickmarch 488]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the  Church.  He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.  
  
Then the priest comes in.  Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get  out. You're on my side."

[allardjd 1,853]

I heard once that a priest described listening to nun's confessions as much like being stoned with popcorn.

 

John

[mutley 4,497]

Me:  Boss I am not coming into work today coz I am sick.

Boss:  How sick are you?

Me:  Well i am in bed with my sister. 

 

[mutley 4,497]

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.