brett 2,289 Posted May 14, 2018 Report Share Posted May 14, 2018 One good thing about being 60 is that my investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted May 22, 2018 Report Share Posted May 22, 2018 I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff..... Like, how to mermaids reproduce?? How do mermaids pee and poop? I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!! Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 339 Posted May 23, 2018 Report Share Posted May 23, 2018 Apparently they are making football tables much more realistic these days. Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted May 23, 2018 Report Share Posted May 23, 2018 15 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said: I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff..... Like, how to mermaids reproduce?? How do mermaids pee and poop? I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!! I rather suspect they have become extinct. Who ever heard of a merman? If there are mermen then they must adhere to the fish way of reproducing. That would make all mermen w**kers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 On 22/05/2018 at 19:09, Tristarcaptain said: I know that you are supposed to be educated at school, but how come they don't teach you the interesting stuff..... Like, how to mermaids reproduce?? How do mermaids pee and poop? I guess that enquiring minds just want to know!! I went out with a mermaid once, she had a terrific figure, 36, 24, £3.50 a kilo! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 If people only thought about it beforehand... Genuine clips from complaint letters written to various councils.. 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me. 18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 8, 2018 Report Share Posted June 8, 2018 (edited) A Frenchman, and Italian and an Englishman are sat in a bar talking about their sexual prowess(what else?) The Frenchman says, "When I make love to my girl she rises off the bed feels like she is floating on air!" The Italian then says, "Ah, You French , you know nothing, When I make love my girl feels like she is and an gel and floating 3 feet above the bed!" Then the Englishman says, "Hah you two are nothing, Last week when I made love to my wife, she seemed happy enough until I got up and wiped my dick on the curtains, the she went through the f**kin' roof !" Edited June 8, 2018 by dodgy-alan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted June 8, 2018 Report Share Posted June 8, 2018 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted June 8, 2018 Report Share Posted June 8, 2018 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucy.P 168 Posted July 13, 2018 Report Share Posted July 13, 2018 Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted July 13, 2018 Report Share Posted July 13, 2018 That reminds me of another golf joke.... A Vicar and his friend were playing golf.....the friend took his first swing....'Darn! Missed'.......second hole was the same and so on until the Vicar finally spoke up. 'You know, I really do wish that you wouldn't keep saying that...I find it offensive and annoying'. A few moments later, the sky turned very, very dark and a thunderbolt came from above and the struck the Vicar dead. A voice from on high said 'Darn...missed!!!' (OK...bet you saw that coming!!!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IZ0JUB 162 Posted July 15, 2018 Report Share Posted July 15, 2018 (edited) Barbecue Routine The woman buys the food.The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with thenecessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is loungingbeside the grill, beer in hand.The man places the meat on the grill.The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she willbring another beer while he deals with the situation.The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to thetable.After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off.' And upon seeing her annoyedreaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women... Edited July 15, 2018 by IZ0JUB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted July 15, 2018 Report Share Posted July 15, 2018 Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you? Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her handbag and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 15, 2018 Report Share Posted July 15, 2018 Replacement is called for, obviously. A devious crack like that will continue to propagate, becoming larger, less subtle and less able to satisfactorily perform its original function. Repairs that simply close the fissure, while tempting, are not practical in this case. Bob 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 18, 2018 Report Share Posted July 18, 2018 Confucious, he say, " Naked lady who fly upside down have crack-up!" Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 18, 2018 Report Share Posted July 18, 2018 Two nuns sitting on a bed in the darkened room, one says "where's the candle." the other replies, " Makes it go soft and wet as well!" Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 18, 2018 Report Share Posted July 18, 2018 What did the cannibal after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse! Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 19, 2018 Report Share Posted July 19, 2018 Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton One student turned in the following book report, in which he felt that they were nearly identical stories. His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton : Cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton : Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton : Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton : Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.. Titanic: Rose goes down with a vessel full of seamen. Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted July 19, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2018 Trump was delighted to hear on TV that Mexico were finally building a wall. Unfortunately Trump doesn’t really understand the World Cup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 21, 2018 Report Share Posted July 21, 2018 One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle. A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck. Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!” The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle. Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’. The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle. The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 339 Posted July 22, 2018 Report Share Posted July 22, 2018 2 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted July 24, 2018 Report Share Posted July 24, 2018 The other day I came across a Donald trump mask: I flipped it over to find...... As they say across the pond... Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted July 24, 2018 Report Share Posted July 24, 2018 The other day I came across a Donald trump mask: I flipped it over to find...... As they say across the pond... Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
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