The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

Isn't it ironic, a little less Glee, brings a lot more happiness.

[mutley 4,498]

Recently, my wife and I got a stuffed elephant for our living room.

"It'll be great!" I said. "It'll be a huge talking point at our dinner party this weekend."

But nobody mentioned it.

[mutley 4,498]

1. The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?"

I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?"

2. We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.

3. All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.

4. My daughter walked in last night and said, "I've been raped."

I said, "When did it happen?

She said, "The second I found out he was a professional footballer."

5. Andy Murray is the first British Men's singles champion at Wimbledon in 77 years.

To put that length of time into context: 77 years ago, Nelson Mandela wasn't even ill.

6. My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela.

7. As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight Watchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

8. I really hope Kate and Wills have a little boy and call him Prawn.. would be awesome to have a King Prawn on the throne.

9. How do you know when you've drunk too much at your office party?

No one has joined your one man conga for the last 3 hours.

10. From time to time I go out in public with the wife and kids.

Just so people understand why I drink.

[Quickmarch 488]

I'm still pondering #3.

I like #12

[allardjd 1,853]

Ctrl-Z is a frequently used keystroke for "Undo" in many computer applications. 

 

If you mean the other number 3, further up, the dyslexic guy interpreted God as dog, and since he was agnostic, wondered if he really existed. 

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

Yeah, it was the 3. near the top (I didn't pick up on a second 3.). Thanks for the explanation - clear as day, now. I got all the rest and found there were some gems in there that can use repeating around the "Liars Table" at my YC.

[mutley 4,498]

Thanks for explaining them John and understanding March, my time trolling for these gems is well spent!

[allardjd 1,853]

I’m living next door to a young couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils.

 

I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It’s not yours is it?

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

@ Joe

 

I'll say!

 

Thanks Joe, there's some real gold in there.

 

@J.A.

 

Had that happen for real with my nephew and niece. Unfortunately (for them) they did a lot of giggling and whispering as they snuck up with "Super-Soakers". Gave me time to grab and turn on the garden hose.

 

I'd hang onto that Parrot, could come in real handy sometime.

[allardjd 1,853]

MEDICINE: we got haloperidol for your crazy ass, methylphenidate for your lazy ass, orlistat for your fat ass, oral contraceptives for your fine ass, face transplant surgery for your ugly ass, azithromycin for your skank ass, silicon for your no- ass, liposuction for your big ass, flagyl for your stank ass, vitamins and diets for your skinny ass, anabolic steroids for your weak ass, MDMA for your horny ass, THC for your stressed ass, Medicaid for your broke ass, Medicare for your old ass, crutches for your lame ass, Midol for your bitch ass, potassium chloride for your punk ass, fluoxetine for your sad ass, and sildenafil for your limp ass. . Thiamine B1/B complex for your drunk ass, silicon for the no-ass, spanxx for the bubble ass, Ritalin for the hyper ass, Lithium for your Moody ass, botox for your wrinkled ass..But there's no cure for the Dumb Ass Syndrome"

 

by Dr. Carlos Caro and Dr. Nnamdi Orakpo

[allardjd 1,853]

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 elderly person is reading forum posts.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

[allardjd 1,853]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

 

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

 

'No, I can remember it.'

 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

'Where's my toast?'

-----------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

 

'Do you mean a rose?'

 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

-----------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

 

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-----------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

 

'Yep!'

 

'Do I know her?'

 

'Nope!'

 

'This woman, is she good looking?'

 

'Not really.'

 

'Is she a good cook?'

 

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

 

'Does she have lots of money?'

 

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

 

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

 

'I don't know.'

 

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

 

'Because she can still drive!'

-----------------------------

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

 

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

 

'Twelve thirty.'

-----------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

 

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

-----------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

 

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

-----------------------------

[allardjd 1,853]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[allardjd 1,853]

A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

[mutley 4,498]

You're on fire this morning John! 

[hurricanemk1c 195]

That Irish mass joke is perfect!

[mutley 4,498]

Tesco Pharmacy

 

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" 
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies 
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. 
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and m*****b*t*d into the mixture for good measure. 

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following: 

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 

...
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[mutley 4,498]

A couple are sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

 

[mutley 4,498]

My doctor is a miracle worker. I went to him about my persistent headaches and stress.

He immediately prescribed me something that cured them instantly.

A divorce.

[brett 2,316]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

 

 

 

[Mistwalker 3]

Haha! Good one..... Err I mean, that's terrible! Ahem.

[Bruce (a.k.a. brian747) 142]

Restores my faith in human nature.

 

(Ours, I mean, naturally).   

 

Thanks, guys!

 

Cheers,

 

Brian

 

[mike H 456]

A lady called out a repair man to fix her washing machine, when he arrived he took one look inside and asked the lady why has the drum got all these dents in it ?

She replied, I washed all the bits off the top of my gas cooker, because the man in the shop where I bought it told me that they were washable.

He said I can not repair your machine I will have to order a new drum and with that he headed for the front door.

 

She stopped him and asked can you repair vacuum cleaners ?

With tongue in cheek he said what happened to it then ?

 

She replied, nothing much I just used it to suck up  the water from the washing machine and it just stopped.

[SEATAC 400]

My doctor is a miracle worker. I went to him about my persistent headaches and stress.

He immediately prescribed me something that cured them instantly.

A divorce.

This one really made me laugh Joe!

[brett 2,316]

Three doctors are on a duck blind and a duck flies overhead.

 

The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck", shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

 

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck", he raises his gun to shoot but the duck is well gone.

 

A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, bring the bird down, and turns

to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."