brett 2,285 Posted July 2, 2017 Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 Joe was experiencing terrible headaches that no doctor could cure. At wit's end he decided on trying a urologist to see if there was anything that doctor could do. After his evaluation was complete, the urologist said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, Joe was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 tall." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted July 4, 2017 Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 Now the strawberry season is upon us I thought I'd look the internet to find the best way to serve them. The suggestion was to halve them, add icing sugar and pile cream on them. Pile cream tastes disgusting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,010 Posted July 8, 2017 Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 Hey guys, if you've seen this before, I apologise as I was sent it this evening from a friend. BREAKING NEWS !! Teacher Arrested A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.?✍ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 8, 2017 Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 On the math theme, from Allard's Laws of Power Plant Maintenance... Constants aren't; variables don't. ...and... Pi are ROUND. Cornbread are square. John 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 A small carpenters shop in Nazareth, the phone rings, "Hello, is that Mr Christ?" JC replies, "Yes that's me, what can I do for you?" The caller continues, "Well, I want to talk to you about your pension options." I See" says JC "I had this conversation with my father a few weeks ago, he reckons they're a waste of time, especially in my case, though no Idea what he meant by that!" the caller replies, "Ah ok, have you thought about life insurance?" "Err no, Dad said that was a waste of money as well." The caller replies, "Oh I see, Your Dad sounds like an intelligent man, What did he say regarding funeral plans?" JC " He told me not to worry about that, I was still young and in anycase he knew a guy with a spare tomb when the time comes, anyway why all the questions? Do you know something I don't?" "No No Sir" replied the caller, It was just that your friend Mr Iscariot recommended you as a possible client." JC, " Ah , so that's it, I wondered what he was going on about at dinner last night! he had no right to give you my number! I'm on SPS!" "SPS? what's that? JC, Scroll Preference Service, it is supposed to stop nuisance calls." Caller, "Oh very sorry Sir, we won't trouble you again". Then he hung up. JC put the phone down muttering to himself, " Funeral plans! Pensions? Whatever next? Bloody Roman scammers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 Ah! Math. My favorite subject. Are you aware that there are three kinds of people? -Those who understand mathematics -Those who don't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 ...and another version of that one - - - There are 10 kinds of people - those who understand binary and those who don't. John Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) And another... There are two kinds of people: some are able to arrive at a correct answer after extrapolating from incomplete data. Edited July 10, 2017 by Captain Coffee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted July 12, 2017 Report Share Posted July 12, 2017 Worst yet there are no instructions Geoff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 12, 2017 Report Share Posted July 12, 2017 6 minutes ago, brett said: Worst yet there are no instructions Geoff. Just like the real thing then. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted July 12, 2017 Report Share Posted July 12, 2017 ...and don't forget that the rules and instructions are infinitely variable depending on the time of the month..... Martin Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted July 12, 2017 Report Share Posted July 12, 2017 Oops Martin, I think you went too far on that one, want me to hide you or your post. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 If you think it any more offensive than other things posted on here, then do as you wish....... I am just suffering from male menopause!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 WE ALL DO GET OLD IN THE END.... I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation. The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.I don’t have to go to school or work.I get an allowance every month.I have my own pad.I don’t have a curfew.I have a driver’s license and my own car.I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.And I don’t have acne. Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) 20 hours ago, hifly said: I've always thought that women had far more interesting and high quality Virtual Cockpits than us dumb old freeware males, the later which ofc you can pick up anywhere online anytime, but often are a disappointment (or so I hear). Sure, it costs much more to fly the female addons, but there is so much more to do with them to fully immerse yourself in their simulations. Besides, I prefer connection via a Yoke, rather than hanging onto a Single Stick... Edited July 13, 2017 by Captain Coffee 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 Frank always looked on the bright side no matter what the circumstances. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!” “That's awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.” “How could it have been worse?” “Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 When I turned 21 there was no change in my eyesight... I am still waiting and wondering; when do I get my adult supervision? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted July 20, 2017 Report Share Posted July 20, 2017 Today as I watched the cars and lorries on the M25 I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. The traffic was moving. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted July 20, 2017 Report Share Posted July 20, 2017 1 hour ago, hifly said: Today as I watched the cars and lorries on the M25 I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. The traffic was moving. Ha! Ha! I have heard the M25 described as the world's largest car park! Martin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted July 21, 2017 Report Share Posted July 21, 2017 Nah! That's the Don Valley Parkway - Toronto Canada - popularly referred to as the Don Valley Parking Lot. Cheers, March Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 I had an ex-girlfriend who used to hit me with musical instruments, I broke up because I couldn't deal with her abusive violins. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 During WW2 Bert and Molly owned a farm. All the male workers had been enlisted and they were struggling to cope with the harvesting. One evening there's a bang at the door and there stood a young girl. "Hello young lady, what can we do for you?" asked Bert. The young girl answered, "I'm Jenny, i'm a land-army worker. I've been sent to help you out. " Bert looked doubtfully at her, "You're very young, you don't look like a farm hand, are you sure you will be able to cope?" Jenny replied, "yes, I've had some agricultural training, I can drive a tractor and milk a cow." "Ok then" says Bert, "come on in and meet Molly." The girl came into the house and introduced herself to Molly. Molly said, "Now young Jenny, It's hard work but you'll be well rewarded. You can have the spare room upstairs. bath night is Thursday. We have just the one tin bath which we put in front of the fire. I hope that's ok for you?" "That's great" says Jenny, "I promise I won't let you down." Well the girl set to work and was doing a great job, Thursday came round and she helped Molly to fill the big tin bath in front of the fire. To give the women some privacy Bert had been sent off to the pub. Molly told Jenny to get in the bath first as she was the youngest there. Jenny duly got undressed an Jenny sat in her chair listening to the BBC. As Jenny was about to get in the bath, Molly noticed something strange about her. she didn't remark upon it but later that evening when she and Bert went to bed she said to him, "Bert that girl Jenny, something odd about her." "In what way ?" Asked Bert. "Well" says Molly,"as she was getting her bath tonight, I noticed that she didn't have any hair down below!" Bert looked at her, "don't be daft," he says, "she must have." Molly reiterated, "I'm telling you she hasn't, she's as smooth as a peach down there! I'll tell you what, next Thursday, when she gets her bath you come back from the pub and look through the window." Bert grinned, "OK" he said, "I'll do that." So the following week Bert's off to the pub and the bath is filled up. Once again Jenny gets undressed, but this time as she does so Molly asks, " Jenny, I have to ask you, how come you've got no hair down below?" Jenny looks puzzled, "what do you mean?" she asks. Molly replies, "Women are supposed to have hair round there, look I'll show you!" and with that Molly lifts her skirt and drops her bloomers to the floor! " There you are, see how mine looks" Jenny is amazed, "Well I never" she exclaimed. " I wonder why I'm different? Oh well everything else looks the same." and with that gets into the bath. Later that night Bert and Molly retire to bed. "Well" said Molly," did you see her?" "Too right I did!" said Bert, she is beautiful, but there was no need for you to drop your clouts as well!" Molly replied, "Oh don't be such a prude, we've been married for 30 years, you know what I've got." Bert replied, " I know I've seen it before, but none of the darts team had!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,285 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 1 hour ago, brett said: and He laughed and laughed and laughed! I suspect he may still be the only one laughing. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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