Tristarcaptain 282 Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 What's the name of a man with a spade stuck in his head......? Doug! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 A paraplegic in a pool - Bob 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 https://www.youtube.com/embed/9WoM2bHfr48 2 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 @JDA.... Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 My wife decided to see what it was like dressing up like one of those Muslim women in a hijab. Well, today she was punched in the face, spat at, slapped and got kicked up the #$%$. God knows what is going to happen when she actually leaves the house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 You will have to frisk her first, to make sure that she does not have a suicide vest!!! Now here is a question.....if you are a Muslim, go to the supermarket with your wife and have to split for a bit to do the shopping, how do you find her if all the women wear those silly hijabs??!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest is history...... Edited March 3, 2017 by Tristarcaptain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted March 4, 2017 Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) ^That is why I don't use my Fine Arts Academy Illustration degree from 6 years of expensive university art training, and drive a car for a living instead^ (No Joke). Edited March 4, 2017 by Captain Coffee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted March 5, 2017 Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 A woman was sitting in the dentist chair and right before the dentist started she reached over and grabbed his testicles and said "Now, we're not going to hurt each other, are we?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 Quote Now here is a question.....if you are a Muslim, go to the supermarket with your wife and have to split for a bit to do the shopping, how do you find her if all the women wear those silly hijabs??!! Presumably wife swapping is common at muslim parties. It's not intentional but.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 Today is International Women's Day. It was supposed to be yesterday but they took a bit longer getting ready. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that! I think my neighbor is stalking me - she's been Web searching my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas, but the' older brigade’ will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home deliveries. Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles.... ** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one. ** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. ** Cancel one pint after the day after today. ** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. ** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. ** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. ** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole. ** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. ** Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. ** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. ** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea? ** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle? ** Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me. ** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. ** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. ** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. ** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight. ** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.. ** Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk. ** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 hour ago, brett said: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that! I think my neighbor is stalking me - she's been Web searching my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I used to have wavy hair.....a few years ago it waved and said goodbye!! When I complained to a friend that I was getting bald, I was told to tattoo a rabbit on my head.....she thought that from a distance it would like a hare!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 9, 2017 Report Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 hour ago, Philmurfin said: Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas, but the' older brigade’ will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home deliveries. Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles.... ** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one. ** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. ** Cancel one pint after the day after today. ** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. ** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. ** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. ** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole. ** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. ** Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. ** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. ** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea? ** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle? ** Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me. ** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. ** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. ** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. ** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight. ** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.. ** Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk. ** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice. Yep....I remember those days of milk delivery as I lived in the UK. In fact, I was in the county next to you, Phil :-) Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 2 hours ago, brett said: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? I think the source of the dilemma is that you're assuming that all of them married other people. From what I'm seeing these days, that's by no means a sure thing. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 There's the culprit, figures it would be a cat lover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 9 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said: I used to have wavy hair.....a few years ago it waved and said goodbye!! When I complained to a friend that I was getting bald, I was told to tattoo a rabbit on my head.....she thought that from a distance it would like a hare!! Quote....Yep....I remember those days of milk delivery as I lived in the UK. In fact, I was in the county next to you, Phil :-) Which one, there are five? Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 I used to live in Bingham, Nottinghamshire. I visited Matlock a few times in the early 1980's. Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 9 minutes ago, Tristarcaptain said: I used to live in Bingham, Nottinghamshire. I visited Matlock a few times in the early 1980's. It's a small world - Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 I remember milk being delivered by a horse-drawn wagon (in Montreal). My wife hates it when I mention that fact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 I remember the milkman, he would come in for a cup of tea when dad was at work. Mum would send me out to the shop to buy some bread. I don't know why because the milkman sold bread too. It's funny but my younger brother is the spitting image of the milkman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philmurfin 51 Posted March 10, 2017 Report Share Posted March 10, 2017 53 minutes ago, Quickmarch said: I remember milk being delivered by a horse-drawn wagon (in Montreal). My wife hates it when I mention that fact. My neighbour still has a milkman, he gets his milk delivered about half five every morning, too expensive for me! Link to post Share on other sites
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