The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.

Just in case any of my teachers have been put on it overnight.

[J G 927]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big

bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens

caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on" says the farmer, "I'll get my hat".

[brett 2,315]

Welcome to the site Lester.  We enjoy posting them so we're glad you're enjoying them.   Feel free to add your own jokes or just sit back and keep relaxing.

 

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'

[hurricanemk1c 195]

A scientific one:

 

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/mythbusters/videos/jamies-joke-of-the-week-090913.htm#mkcpgn=fbdsc17

[Quickmarch 488]

I like that one

[hifly 925]

This is true.

 

BBC news today. Plastic banknotes will be introduced in 2016. They can survive a go in the washing machine.

 

Is that what they mean by money laundering?

[brett 2,315]

Just what we needed, more plastic.  Probably save money printing them and more money to dispose of them. Oh well, while I'm here how about a plastic bag joke....

 

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said: "You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said: "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said: "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said: "I finished early - John is down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said: "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I am sorry, John died."

Sam said: "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said: "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

[mutley 4,498]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[allardjd 1,853]

It seems like every time someone posts a joke it reminds me of another one....

 

Sven and Ole are out hunting and there's a gun accident.  Sven is horribly wounded but Ole does his best and manages after many hours to reach a hospital emergency room with his friend.

 

The medical types take Sven away and Ole cools his heels in the waiting room for a long, long time.  Finally an emergency room doctor comes out to have a talk with Ole, who quickly ask if Sven is going to be OK.

 

The doctor replies sorrowfully, "Ole, I'm sorry, we just couldn't save Sven.  He might have had a better chance if you hadn't gutted and field-dressed him, though."

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

A redneck goes into the Sears store and asks about a chainsaw.  The guy tells the sales person that he cuts trees for firewood to heat his home.  He has been told by friends that a chainsaw will do much more work in much less time. He asks the clerk how many trees he can cut in a day with a chainsaw.

 

The clerk, a little puzzled, replies, "Well, I can't say for sure but you should easily be able to manage twenty trees a day with one of these."

 

The redneck, hearing this, is mightily impressed and forks over the cash.  He leaves the store with his shiny new chainsaw.

 

Two days later, same redneck - same clerk.  The redneck has the saw, looking somewhat used, and declares that the clerk had lied to him and that he wanted his money back.  Working his hardest, the guy claims that he could manage no more than three trees in a day with the saw.

 

The clerk is pretty baffled by this.  He takes the saw and say's, "Well, let's check 'er out"  He turns on the ignition switch, sets the choke, pumps the primer bulb a half-dozen times and gives the handle a brisk pull.

 

"Roooaaarrrr"

 

The redneck says, "What's that noise?"

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

My uncle turned 100 yesterday and he got a telegram from the Queen,

I turned 21 today and all I get is an email from some Nigerian prince.

[mutley 4,498]

"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

"Go on then," I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said, "That's Superman."

He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

[mutley 4,498]

Nice one John!

[mutley 4,498]

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds.

 

The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."

"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.

"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,

"Sagittarius..."

[J G 927]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter says, “Hey little partner, what are you doing?”

 

The little boy says, “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck.”

 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter says with admiration.

 

“Thanks mister,” the boy says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

 

“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

 

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

 

[coltrane 0]

Not far from Canakkale near Dardanelles, during world war 1, in the middle of a fierce gunfight between Turkey and allied troops, an ANZAC officer saw a young australian soldier running to him, he then asked,

 

"Did you come here to die son?"

 

 

The young soldier answered with a thick australian accent, "No sir I came here yesterdie,"

[needles 1,013]

Nice one Wisnu.

 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
Standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
Tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states, that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance
against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"



The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."  
 

[Quickmarch 488]

Bunch of motorcycling buddies go out on a nice sunny Sunday morning for a bit of a blast around the twisties. There's maybe ten of them carving corners and having a good time when they blow through a speed trap.

 

The cop jumps out of the car and flags down one of the bikes. He starts writing out a ticket.

 

The lad on the bike says. "Gee, officer, why you writing me up? I was just one of ten. What about the rest of them?"

 

The cop looks at the biker and says. "Ever go fishing, son?"

 

The biker says, "Yes"

 

The cop says "Ever catch them all?"

[needles 1,013]

Good one QM. It would be funny if it wasn't a factual.

[mutley 4,498]

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that were about to make love and he said "honey I think I would like a 69 tonight"

.. To which she said "you want beef and broccoli?"

[mutley 4,498]

After concluding chemical weapons were indeed used in Syria,

UN resources are now focused on investigating claims that the Pope is Catholic

[brett 2,315]

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten Commandments."

 

*****************************************************************************************************************

 

How is the pope like a Christmas tree?

The balls are only for decoration.

 

(Lord, please forgive me for that Joke)

[allardjd 1,853]

Frozen Holy Water on a stick = Popesicle

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

[brett 2,315]

Little Johnny wanted a new bike so he went and asked his mom she said, "Johnny you haven't been a very good boy and we

really can not afford to spend the money right know so maybe if you ask Jesus he'll give you a knew bike."

 

Well after a temper tantrum Johnny went to his room to write a letter to Jesus, he said "dear Jesus I've been a very good

boy and would like a new bike" knowing that Jesus knew he was lying he threw it in the trash and started again,

"Dear Jesus I've been an ok boy this year" knowing yet again he was lying started over with "Jesus I thought about being

a good boy this year" finally he gave up. On Sunday his mom took him to the Catholic church down the road he saw a statue

of Mary mother of Jesus.

 

When he got home he wrote a letter to Jesus saying " Jesus I really, really want a new bike so.........
if you ever want too see your mother again you'll make the right choice."