The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[jaydor 345]

"Just a little brick prick Sir"  

 

[J G 927]

I can only assume that the Doctor or Nurse on the extreme right of the photo in scrubs is wearing a mask to prevent the inhalation of brick dust! 

[allardjd 1,853]

Judging from the mushrooming of the butt end of that particular chisel it might have started life working on the pyramids.  The rock might be the smartest thing in the picture.

 

John

[brett 2,315]

الثقة في الله

 

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

[hifly 925]

Here in the UK we get Muslim weather. It's either Sunni or Shite. 

[Quickmarch 488]

Is this going to start a string of "Bricking the Camel" jokes?

[hifly 925]

The Scotsman says, 'There's a bar in Glasgow where when you buy three drinks you get the fourth for free.'

 

The Englishman says, 'Well there's a bar in London when you buy two drinks and get the third free.'

 

The Welshman says, There's a bar in Cardiff where as soon as you walk into the bar you get a free drink, in fact you get free drinks all night. When you've had too much they offer you upstairs and you can get laid.'

 

'Good grief,' said the Englishman 'has this happened to you?' 

 

'No,' said the Welshman, 'but it happened to my sister.' 

 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

Is this going to start a string of "Bricking the Camel" jokes?

 

 

I know a number of camel jokes, none really fit for mixed company.  I think the one you refer to is related to how to make a nine-day camel out of a seven-day camel using a pair of bricks. 

 

The best camel line I can remember is from the Desert Storm campaign - a picture of a US soldier in the dunes with a smoldering camel carcass in the background, saying, "I'd fly 8,000 miles to 'smoke' a camel."

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

A man's wife goes out on a 'girls nite' and promises her husband that she'll be back by 12 midnight at the latest.

She finally staggers back home at 3 in the early hours, and after several attempts to put the key in the door, she eventually gets herself in, utterly blasted.

The clock suddenly starts to chime...

Realising she's very late, she decides to add the remaining 9 chimes herself, so that her husband still thinks it's midnight.

The following day, her husband says " I think we need a new clock"

With a banging hangover, she asks "why?"

"Cos it chimed 5 times, burped, chimed another 3 times, laughed hysterically, chimed another 4 times, farted, fell over and broke the coffee table" he replied.

[mutley 4,498]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks, "What happened?" and the man explains, "Well, doctor, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

(Yeah, not what you bad boys were thinking!  )

[mutley 4,498]

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.. 

[allardjd 1,853]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.

"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."

"Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.

"Three," replied little Johnny.

"Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"Six," answered little Johnny.

"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job.

Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"A Jack!" replied little Johnny

[hifly 925]

Quasimodo was in the bell tower of the Notre Dame. This chap walks in and asks if he could ring a bell. The Hunch tells him that it is against Health and Safety rules but the man is so persistant that he gives in.

 

'Ok,' says Quasi, 'but don't pull the rope too hard cos there's a hell of a swing on that bell.'

 

Of course he pulls too hard and the bell swings out and then back and hits him bang on the chin so hard that he is knocked right out of the building down onto the ground 100feet below. Dead.

 

The police are called and an officer asks Quasi if he knew the mans' name. 'No,' he says, 'but his face rings a bell.'

 

[jaydor 345]

If you had the choice between Bill Gates fortune or ending the war in Syria,  What colour Ferrari would you get?

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Melbourne International Airport 

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -

Allah be Praised." 

Melbourne Tower : "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L." 

Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great." 

Pause.... 

Saudi Air : "MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !" 

Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..." 

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!" 

Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

[Quickmarch 488]

Let's eat Grandma

Let's eat, Grandma

 

 

Commas save Lives

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL, 

[UKJim 502]

Is this going to start a string of "Bricking the Camel" jokes?

 

OK OK don't take the hump

 

(Sorry)

[UKJim 502]

I would like to die in my sleep like my grandad; not like the people screaming in his car.

[mutley 4,498]

My wife's just finished a 12-hour shift.

I knew she'd find first gear eventually.

[brett 2,315]

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. 

 

I hope Kevin Bacon never dies.

 

****************************************

 

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

 

You never know when you might need a nail
 

 

 

[brett 2,315]

There was a place crash in Poland. A small two-seater

Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this

afternoon in central Poland.

 

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300

bodies so far and expect that number to climb as

digging continues into the evening.

[Sylvanriv 0]

I'm sure everyone's already heard this one but here goes:

 

2 guys are out hunting when one suddenly collapses. The other guy calls 911. The operator picks up and asks what the problem is.

 

The hunter says, "It's my friend! He collapsed and he's not breathing! I'm pretty sure he's dead!"

 

The operator says, "Ok, just stay calm. First thing to do is to check whether he's really dead". There is a shot heard on one end of the line and then the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" 

[britfrog 180]

well this isnt a joke per se but it is done by one of the uk's greatest comedians

enjoy