The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

Young people nowadays moan about having to work long hours for a pittance, but they don't know the half of it.

 

When I worked on the railways in the early 1940s, I put in 18 hours every day and got paid nothing. And I never complained once.

 

If I had, the Japs would have shot me.

[brett 2,315]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[DaveLeafNiles 0]

Some bloke knocked on the door today.

I opened it and he stood there, about 3 ft 3 inches tall.

I said "who are you?" he said

"I'm the meter man"

[allardjd 1,853]

Ear Infection

 

They always seem to ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong in front of them and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

[allardjd 1,853]

I can't vouch for the accuracy of these accounts. The winning account sounds familiar and even if accurate, I don't think it happened in 2013. My favorite is third place, the guy who tried to hold up a gun shop.

 

The "Runner Up" story should not be included since the fool survived and doesn't seem to have sterilized himself in the process. One of the criteria is removal of the entrant from the gene pool, which didn't happen in this case.

 

2013 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

 

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

 

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I enjoy these every year.

Trouble is, I think a true DAW needs to check him/herself out before having kids...win young, win often. Regrettably, some of those winners die from "youth" as much as from "stupidity"...which can be hard to distinguish sometimes.

But I'm feeling in this case that #4, #5, and #6 are strong contenders for the "Hardcore Darwin Awards".

[brett 2,315]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had finished the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces and made a mess all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 

[allardjd 1,853]

Mother Superior of St. Joseph ’s Frackville was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

 

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

 

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

 

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

 

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

 

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

 

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

 

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

 

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

 

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

 

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

 

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

 

Mother Superior was floored!

 

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

 

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[hifly 925]

 

Brett decides to become a monk in a silent abbey. However the monks are allowed to speak just one sentence to the abbot after every five years.

 

After the first five years Brett goes to the abbot who asks,'What would you like to say?' 'The beds are a bit hard.' replied Brett

 

Five years later the abbot asks the same question. 'The showers are a bit cold'. replied Brett.

 

Another five years, 'The food could be better.' says Brett.

 

Yet another five years comes around and Brett says to the abbot. 'I want to leave.'

 

The abbot says. 'Thank heavens for that, you've done nothing but complain since you got here.'

[allardjd 1,853]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

 

'Eight', the boy replied.

 

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

 

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those.

[allardjd 1,853]

A New Supermarket

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney , Australia. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

 

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[DaveLeafNiles 0]

I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery For Beginners' class.

"Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me.

[allardjd 1,853]

I guess it's time for this one again...

http://forum.mutleyshangar.com/index.php/topic/7256-santas-checkflight/#entry55094

[brett 2,315]

God bless our rednecks

 

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

 

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling

at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"

 

 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the

counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said

"See, it says right here,  'The three wise man came from afar.'"

[brett 2,315]

Another oldie but goodie...

 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

 

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

 

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

 

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

 

Only one of them survived the accident.

 

Who was the survivor?

 

 

(Scroll down for the answer.)

 

 

 

 

 

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.

 

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

 

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling. *******

 

 

 

 

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen either.

[allardjd 1,853]

You live dangerously, don't you? Is it the adrenaline rush?

John

[Quickmarch 488]

Ahhhh..............Christmas fast approacheth! Time to haul out all those annually distributed cartoons:

 

Here's #1

 

[hifly 925]

Another old Christmas joke but someone else can provide the punchline cos I don't want to be banned.

 

Why doesn't Father Christmas have any children?

[ddavid 149]

Thanks for your contributions, Brett. Mind you, I had to look up Webster's to see the first joke!

Cheers - Dai.

[jaydor 345]

Another old Christmas joke but someone else can provide the punchline cos I don't want to be banned.

 

Why doesn't Father Christmas have any children?

 

 

Because he comes only once a year..  Dah, Dah................ 

 

Brett put me up to it Joe....       

[brett 2,315]

He's lying Joe, honest injun. You believe me right?(see donations  )

 

Nice knowing you James.

******************************************************

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

 

Signed, Adrenaline Junkie

 

******************************************************

 

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

 

Signed, Trying to Make Amends

 

******************************************************

 

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."

 

Signed, I Guess I'll Never Learn

[Quickmarch 488]

Here's #2............

 

[hifly 925]

 

Another old Christmas joke but someone else can provide the punchline cos I don't want to be banned.

 

Why doesn't Father Christmas have any children?

 

 

Because he comes only once a year..  Dah, Dah................ 

 

Brett put me up to it Joe....       

 

Once a year and that's down the chimney.

[Quickmarch 488]

OH-OH!

 

I've got a "down the chimney" cartoon, but I don't want to join James in Coventry.

[Quickmarch 488]

It got unusually cold here the other day. The lawyers in town were walking around with their hands in their own pockets.