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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)


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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

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Haha, I used to work as a carpenter in a few supermarkets over the years and if their was a particular manager that was being a pain in the arse, we would ask him or her to give an announcement over the loudspeaker to find our friend Mike Hunt. Yea, we would get in trouble each time. :D

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"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I said.  :huh:

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a huge dildo flies out and hits the windscreen with a thump.

Embarrassed, and to spare her sons' innocence, the mother turns around and said "don't worry, that was just an insect"

To which one of the boys replies "I am surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that"!

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I'm useless at telling jokes but i did come across this sketch when I was reliving the (horror) of 'Funky Moped' - see word association game...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yBca1ixoEbg

For those of you that are unfamilliar with Dave Allen, he was a well known Irish comedian during the 70's and 80's. His act usually conisted of him sat on a stool with a whiskey (was actually ginger ale) and smoking a cigarette.

The link above is a favourite from my childhood about air travel... doesn't seem like a lot has changed! Enjoy :thum:

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Proof That The World Is Nuts........

   

 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

 

(Like THAT makes sense.)

 

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

 

(Do they look different reversed?)

 

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

 

(A brick?)

 

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I don't live in Indonesia)

 

(So that's how it makes you 'go blind!')

 

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

 

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

 

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

 

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

 

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

 

(Ah! Justice!)

 

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool - but only in tropical fish stores.

 

(But of course!)

 

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

 

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

 

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

 

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In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

 

(Is that sensible or what?)

 

Well,.... not as great as Guam

 

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

 

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

 

(From drinking little bottles of ??? - Did our government pay for this research??)

 

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Butterflies taste with their feet..

 

(That's nice, does everything taste of cheese to them?)

 

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 

(I know some people like that.)

 

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Starfish don't have brains.

 

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last?

 

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

 

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

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Thank you all for reading this.   

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

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Really, a brick? No cloth laying around? Even the dead need proper respect.

 

Any comments can be sent to Gaum where I am meeting John. We have a bet on who will be able to charge more. :D

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

 

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

 

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

 

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

 

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

AL GORE: The chicken crossed the road because greenhouse gas levels were elevated on his side.

 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

 

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

 

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

 

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

 

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Haha, the Nancy Grace one was really funny because my wife agreed with that women on TV the other day. I told her that after loving her more each day, for 35 years, she finally lost a couple of weeks of incremental love and might never be able to gain it back. :P

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