allardjd 1,853 Posted March 8, 2015 Report Share Posted March 8, 2015 Subject: Fwd: Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber??? Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee-cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 8, 2015 Report Share Posted March 8, 2015 Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read............... NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 I've just bought a holiday home in the Everglades, Florida.It's in a gatored community 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 No doubt about that. They taste just like chicken, but there's a lot more meat on them. I'll be your first visitor. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Apparently chickens and alligators shared a common ancestor.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Alligator sandwich please and make it snappy! Sorry, the old ones are the good ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 MR Ducks MR Knot MR Sew, Cedar Wings Whale Oil Beef Hooked MR Ducks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Saw a guy wearing an MR Ducks shirt a week or so ago. I'm pretty sure I was the one in a hundred who knew what it meant. Not sure he did. John Link to post Share on other sites
Frog on Toast 6 Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Whale Oil Beef Hooked My ex girlfriend used to work for the jockey club, and it's a little known fact that no thoroughbred horse is allowed to have the same name as another. The jockey club has an office where all new names are checked against the records. An Irish breeder actually tried to name a horse this, but unfortunately someone spotted it and the name was rejected. Would have made the racing commentary bloody funny if it had gotten through! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Funny how attractive women always drive cute little cars.That reminds me, the wife's Panzer needs an MOT. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 What do you call a dog with no tongue?Scruffy bollocks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD" The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "The term is FORE, you ignorant git." Then the plane hit them. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Essex girl takes her misfiring car to the garage, comes back later to collect it and asks the mechanic what the problem was. "Shit in the carburettor." he says. "How often?" she asks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted March 22, 2015 Report Share Posted March 22, 2015 Irish Text Message: "Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,316 Posted March 22, 2015 Report Share Posted March 22, 2015 A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted March 22, 2015 Report Share Posted March 22, 2015 Motto for the Greenland lottery. 'You've got to be Inuit to win it.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Man wins the lottery. Runs into the house yelling "I won! I won! Pack your bags!" His wife yells from another room, "That's wonderful, darling. Where are we going? What climate should I pack for?" Man yells back: "Pack them all, you're history". Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 There's one thing I cannot stand when I am drunk ... Up Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted March 30, 2015 Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 I was just wondering if anyone has ever heard a mute Italian talk without using their hands? Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Apologies if I am repeating myself! ------------------------------------------------------ This girl recognised me from the vegetarians club but I have never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. In the news! Duracell bunny arrested, charged with battery. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. I know a guy addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. Broken pencils are pointless. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Anyone who says onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip. "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than: "I quit halfway through a marathon" Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it....and never saw her once. She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted April 4, 2015 Report Share Posted April 4, 2015 "We must not forget the true meaning of Easter." Said the Archbishop of Cadbury. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted April 5, 2015 Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 My wife had sex in the missionary position with the local Priest last night, Well it is Easter.. He gave me 15 Holmary's, but I still cannot find the cans! Link to post Share on other sites
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