The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

Hillary Clinton's new Muslim name - - - 

 

SELDOM BIN LAYED

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

You never hear about the Fourth Magi, the one who unwisely brought Jesus a gift wrapped in plain red paper...Santa sleighed him.

(I actually just thought this up a few minutes ago and am posting everywhere I can. )

[allardjd 1,853]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Orlando Sentinel a local newspaper in Orlando, Florida reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard in Kissimmee, Bubba 'The Redneck Excavator' Jackson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Florida had already gone wireless."

It just makes me proud to live in Florida.

[bilirubin 50]

An emergency call centre worker has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, “I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my maker.”

“Remain calm and stay on the line” was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.   

[Gunner 69]

[brett 2,315]

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

[mutley 4,497]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it's like camping.

 

[J G 927]

Rule 2 - No poofters.

[mutley 4,497]

My Welsh neighbour's got his girlfriend mowing the lawn.

 

She's done the backyard and now he's dragging her out the front to eat the rest.

[mutley 4,497]

I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"

 

He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"

 

I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."

[mutley 4,497]

I told my mum I had murdered someone the other day and she said I should turn myself in to the police.

 

I've put on a cop's uniform and it looks like suicide to me.

[mutley 4,497]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[hifly 925]

Bought a new PC, every time I switch it on it sings Hello. It's a Dell.

[mutley 4,497]

A an goes to a fancy dress party..

 

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

 

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

 

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

 

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

[Corsaire31 419]

Good one ! 

 

Reminds me of the guy who comes naked to a dress party.

 

" What are you supposed to be, you're not wearing anything ?"

 

"I'm a lighthouse !"

 

" What do you mean a lighthouse ?"

 

The guy jumps on a table nearby and start turning on himself :  "You see it, you don't see it, you see it, you don't see it... "

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

What's the difference between a preschool and an ISIS camp?

I don't know, man. I just fly the drones.

 

 

[hifly 925]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A walk.

[brett 2,315]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Brian, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Brian replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Two service men are using adjacent urinals at an airport on their way home for the holidays.
They both finish at about the same time.
The Army guy heads to the sink to wash his hands and notices the Navy guy walk by without washing his.
Army guy remarks "In the US Army they taught us to wash our hands after using the latrine"
The Sailor replies "In the Navy they taught us not to pee on our hands".

[brett 2,315]

and the fight was on.......

[hifly 925]

Job ad in a local newspaper

 

Wanted; Man + horse to herd cattle around Texas. No Cowboys

 

 

 

 

To our cousins over the pond, the term 'cowboys' in the UK means shoddy workmen.

[allardjd 1,853]

 

To our cousins over the pond, the term 'cowboys' in the UK means shoddy workmen.

 

 

Believe it or not, there's a similar meaning to "cowboy" on this side too.  In certain cases it means one who is not bothered to remain within the normal boundaries of behavior or performance while engaged in one thing or another, i.e. one who pushes the envelope, breaks the rules or is otherwise careless or reckless.  It's not specific to workmen, though can certainly include that too.

 

 We used the term to describe a certain kind of worker at the nuclear plant - one who was inclined to not take written procedures too literally unless closely watched.  That kind didn't last long,except at Chernobyl where the entire plant staff were apparently bow-legged buckaroos - thinking about it, it didn't last long there either, but just a bit too long.

 

John

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Copied from a Blog post I think at: duffelblog.com

 

I'm pretty sure from the fluent Sailorese that it is probably (ok...after reading a few more it is certainly) a fictional piece...but funny as Quack!

 

 

 

WASHINGTON, DC — Nearly 83 percent of mariner rescues since 1960 involved unrelentingly stupid behaviors and/or people, according to a recent study by the U.S. Coast Guard.

Though the service treats all search and rescue situations equally, most on-scene commanders will privately admit that a majority of the time “it was just some dumb bastard with no concern for personal safety,” according to the study’s authors.

“These statistics are unthinkable,” said Coast Guard spokesperson Lt. Carla Willmington. “Our service prides itself on response time, SAR organization, and comprehensive rescue pattern analysis. But it’s tough to stay on task when the bulk of these cases involve people paralyzed from the neck up. ”

The U. S. Coast Guard Office of Search and Rescue report examined nearly all cases handled on inland and offshore waters from 1960 through 2014. Following the Federal Boating Act of 1971, increases in cases by “pigeoning idiots” and “goddamn morons” have been staggering, and very challenging to the service as it struggles to operate under a minimal budget.

Between 2010 and 2014, the most recent years studied, incidents involving “total assholery” increased from 10,687 to 38,335.

“I joined the Coast Guard because it seemed like we were the only military service operating even when we weren’t fighting in some war,” said Operations Spc. Bill Horvath, of Sector Humboldt Bay. “But then you realize we are at war, against an army of dipshits with boats.”

“I’ve seen some pretty stupid shit in my time,” said Willmington. “Why would a boater decide it’s a good idea to sail balls-first into a hurricane with zero lifejackets, zero flares, and apparently zero pigeons? Why even make an effort for these people? I’m all for a Darwinian Search and Rescue Plan, if you follow me.”

“I know there are boaters out there who own and operate vessels responsibly,” Horvath said. “But, statistically speaking, people need to just stay off the water. We’re already running on a low budget and stretched thin with unreliable assets. The last thing we need is a bunch of soup sandwiches sailing around aimlessly wasting our goddamn time, putting our lives at risk, too.”

[allardjd 1,853]

Hoo-boy! I can't wait until QuickMarch chimes in on this one. I'll bet he's seen some stupid things in his time on the water.

John

[Quickmarch 488]

Stupid is as stupid does.

 

Someone, who shall remain nameless, from the Toronto Harbour Police (in the days before the gumshoe squad took over the marine division), remarked that: a large percentage of bodies pulled from their area of Lake Ontario had their flies unzipped. Imagine floating around, with little to hold onto, while your boat sails on without you.

 

I sympathise with the Coastie in many respects. However, they are not blameless. Their recent inclusion of Homeland Security and, believe it or not, Canadian Mounted Police, aboard the border patrol vessels is not making any friends in the PNW. Random stops by leather-booted, machine gun toting, shock troops is a bit over the top and does nothing to make boating safer. Only education and licensing will do that.

 

Likely the worse thing we've seen, and we've seen it on three occasions between here and Australia; is the boat that tries to enter a completely unknown harbour in the dead of night. Darwinism at its best.