allardjd 1,853 Posted September 17, 2016 Report Share Posted September 17, 2016 Re "The Turtle has Spoken"... He's just looking for the Brexit. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted September 17, 2016 Report Share Posted September 17, 2016 I see they put the crappy lettuce in front of Trump's name, typical. Q: If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? A: America 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted September 18, 2016 Report Share Posted September 18, 2016 1 hour ago, brett said: I see they put the crappy lettuce in front of Trump's name, typical. Might be a word play metaphor: SpinsMuch and SeesHers Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted September 18, 2016 Report Share Posted September 18, 2016 Quote SpinsMuch and SeesHers I doubt Bill has seen hers for years, but has seen plenty of others, no doubt. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted September 18, 2016 Report Share Posted September 18, 2016 4 hours ago, allardjd said: I doubt Bill has seen hers for years, but has seen plenty of others, no doubt. John If Hilary wins, she has the knowledge that whenever she sits in the Oval office, she'll be in the same chair where here husband was "serviced" ! I wonder if she'll get a male intern to return the favour!!! Eeewwww! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted September 18, 2016 Report Share Posted September 18, 2016 On 9/16/2016 at 09:47, J G said: @Matt LOL! However I don't think the Polling companies will be best pleased with you giving away their working practices! Seems to be working for Corbyn and Owen! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted September 18, 2016 Report Share Posted September 18, 2016 I think we should get back to posting jokes before we all get banned. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 I've heard that end in... By the way mr. I had extra paint so I did the Mercedes as well as the Porsche, no extra charge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted September 25, 2016 Report Share Posted September 25, 2016 (edited) As you all know I love wordplay...and do it often. I discovered a wordplay today that I'm astonished hasn't been HashTag'd yet, especially in light of the obvious similarity between this gentl..guy's name and a certain slang word. I mean...really UK twitter people?! ...are you sleeping on the job over there? Please, use and share: #DonLoudFart Edited September 25, 2016 by Captain Coffee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 So here's the important question, You're a Coastguard Cutter Skipper, you get a distress call saying that a boat carrying Hilary Clinton and Donald Trum has sunk and both are in the water. When you get to the co-ordinates, Clinton is 100 yards to Port and Trump is 50 yards to starboard. Both are struggling to stay alive. Now the question is this , Do you post the pictures to Facebook first or Twitter ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) 6 minutes ago, dodgy-alan said: So here's the important question, You're a Coastguard Cutter Skipper, you get a distress call saying that a boat carrying Hilary Clinton and Donald Trum has sunk and both are in the water. When you get to the co-ordinates, Clinton is 100 yards to Port and Trump is 50 yards to starboard. Both are struggling to stay alive. Now the question is this , Do you post the pictures to Facebook first or Twitter ? Try Hard to Port, hit the starboard bow thruster to help cut the turn to swing the prop wash over both of them...ooops. Edited October 13, 2016 by Captain Coffee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 On 9/25/2016 at 20:47, Captain Coffee said: As you all know I love wordplay...and do it often. I discovered a wordplay today that I'm astonished hasn't been HashTag'd yet, especially in light of the obvious similarity between this gentl..guy's name and a certain slang word. I mean...really UK twitter people?! ...are you sleeping on the job over there? Please, use and share: #DonLoudFart Matt, or anyone else, take a look at my profile picture. I can't for the life of me post it here because... I'm stupid and don't know how. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 "Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his 'country club' lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend." Apparently many women will not be voting for Hillary Clinton this year, when asked why, they stated the last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in their mouth's. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 This one Geoff... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 That's the one. Thanks Brett. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) A formerly Trump Liveried aircraft perhaps???...sometime nasty stains bleed through even the best paint. Edited October 13, 2016 by Captain Coffee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 Door cut problems can occur in the strangest of places..... Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 The cuts in our Police budget are really beginning to show! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 13, 2016 Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 2 hours ago, dodgy-alan said: Door cut problems can occur in the strangest of places..... Lice department... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted October 14, 2016 Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 Apparently, head lice have now become resistant to the drugs normally used to treat them. The problem has scientists scratching their heads. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 14, 2016 Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 A cure for premature ejaculation must come soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 A-Z of daft definitions, some may seem odd to non-Brits! Aberdare — To challenge Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Anni-Frid Boutique — To heckle wood Cesspit — Brad’s unsavoury brother Dace — What the Queen uses to play board games Endorse — Loser in the Grand National Flirt — A vehicle driven by a Geordie milkman Geriatric — Three goals scored by Germans Hydrangea — Warning from Tonto Icon — Optical illusion Jocular — Scots vampire Kimono — Yoko’s sister Lamb shank — Sean Connery’s sheep has drowned Malteser — Coming soon: a shopping centre! Negligent — Man in lingerie Onesie — What the Queen calls a selfie Petulance — A vehicle that takes dogs and cats to hospital Quest — The Jonathan Ross family coat of arms Reincarnation — Born again as a tin of condensed milk Snuffbox — Coffin Taffeta — A cannibal with a preference for Welsh people Unfettered — Without Greek cheese Vaccinate — To administer drugs with a Hoover Witchcraft — Magazine for boat owners X-ray — A former fish Yeoman — Presidential greeting (after George W. Bush’s matey comment to Tony Blair) Zucchini — An animal park enthusiast OK, so how many of you tried to talk like the Queen or Sean Connery? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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