hifly 925 Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 Joe, you forgot innuendo, an Italian suppository.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 3 hours ago, mutley said: A-Z of daft definitions, some may seem odd to non-Brits! Aberdare — To challenge Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Anni-Frid Boutique — To heckle wood Cesspit — Brad’s unsavoury brother Dace — What the Queen uses to play board games Endorse — Loser in the Grand National Flirt — A vehicle driven by a Geordie milkman Geriatric — Three goals scored by Germans Hydrangea — Warning from Tonto Icon — Optical illusion Jocular — Scots vampire Kimono — Yoko’s sister Lamb shank — Sean Connery’s sheep has drowned Malteser — Coming soon: a shopping centre! Negligent — Man in lingerie Onesie — What the Queen calls a selfie Petulance — A vehicle that takes dogs and cats to hospital Quest — The Jonathan Ross family coat of arms Reincarnation — Born again as a tin of condensed milk Snuffbox — Coffin Taffeta — A cannibal with a preference for Welsh people Unfettered — Without Greek cheese Vaccinate — To administer drugs with a Hoover Witchcraft — Magazine for boat owners X-ray — A former fish Yeoman — Presidential greeting (after George W. Bush’s matey comment to Tony Blair) Zucchini — An animal park enthusiast OK, so how many of you tried to talk like the Queen or Sean Connery? Now that IS very funny, Joe!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 1 hour ago, hifly said: Joe, you forgot innuendo, an Italian suppository.. Like it! I have a few more up my sleeve Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 6 hours ago, mutley said: A-Z of daft definitions, some may seem odd to non-Brits! Aberdare — To challenge Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Anni-Frid Boutique — To heckle wood Cesspit — Brad’s unsavoury brother OK, so how many of you tried to talk like the Queen or Sean Connery? What's more, how many tried?!! Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted October 27, 2016 Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 28, 2016 Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 5, 2016 Report Share Posted November 5, 2016 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted November 6, 2016 Report Share Posted November 6, 2016 One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 14, 2016 Report Share Posted November 14, 2016 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 14, 2016 Report Share Posted November 14, 2016 1 hour ago, hifly said: This is how husbands get out of doing chores... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted November 16, 2016 Report Share Posted November 16, 2016 Gollum got stopped by security when going through the self serve checkout at Sainsburys. Apparently there was an unexpected item in the baggins area! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 Ok, Ok, not really a joke, but I thought you lot (especially Cap Coffee) might get a kick out of it: * Note the Captain's name was "Phillips" - the movie will feature Tom Hanks. S.S. WARRIMOO - FASCINATING – TRUE STORY The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix & brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0o 31' N and LON 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line". Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor. At midnight the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many: The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & the middle of summer. The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter. The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900. This ship was therefore not only in two different Hemispheres two different days, two different months, two different years, two different seasons but in two different centuries - all at the same time. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 (edited) It is a strange anomaly, I've been across the date line a couple of times. On one occasion one of the crew actually "missed" his Birthday as the date did not occur in the ships log! Nevertheless we still had a party! Likewise when crossing the equator, all first timers have to go through what is known as a "Crossing the line ceremony". Now this can take a variety of forms, but usually involves the unfortunates to be covered in some sort of concoction dreamt up by the cooks using food coloring, flour, water, and heavens knows what else, before being dragged before "King Neptune" who will then pass judgement, (usually more goo and good hosing down whilst tied to the railings/winch etc. If there are women on board and it's lads crossing the line the women have the chance of debagging the poor boy(s). if the women are first timers then the honours are reversed, (this is usually quite popular!) Most of them are game for it as it's all part of the fun. Anyone taking umbridge and trying to escape gets even more punishment! (One officer cadet ended up being tied naked to the mainmast for a couple of hours whilst the wives covered him in various sauces. I won't repeat what one of the gay stewards did!) Anyway after receiving punishment, the recipient was cleaned up and again brought before Neptune who this time presented him with a crossing the line certificate. (It was advised to carry this with you on all trips , especially the lower ratings as they could be asked to present the certificate on a subsequent voyage, especially if they looked as though they may not have crossed before. In which case they were fair game again!) It was all part of being a seafarer and livened up what could be a monotonous existence when going deep sea on a supertanker which rarely got into port. Edited November 17, 2016 by dodgy-alan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 3 hours ago, hifly said: Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels. Ha, ha!! This reminds of a funny incident..... Many years ago, I lived in a large block of flats/apartments in the UK. One day, I was taking the lift/elevator down to the ground floor, when I felt the need to.....errr...let out a fart. Yep...it sure was noisy...enough to wake the dead!! At that precise moment, the elevator stopped and in walked a young lady. I thought that she was bound to have heard it, so I amused myself my looking at the floor! After a few seconds, I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw her looking at me. Oh no.....it turned out to be a young lady from the office where I worked....we looked at each other, then suddenly we both cracked up laughing! I bet my face turned 50 shades of red though!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 There are two kinds of farts - Category 1 and Category 2 farts. Category 1 farts are yours - Catetory 2 farts are those from others. Category 1 farts smell pretty good, even when they're bad. Cat. 2 farts smell pretty bad even when they're garden variety mild ones. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 13 hours ago, allardjd said: There are two kinds of farts - Category 1 and Category 2 farts. Category 1 farts are yours - Catetory 2 farts are those from others. Category 1 farts smell pretty good, even when they're bad. Cat. 2 farts smell pretty bad even when they're garden variety mild ones. Category 3&4 Farts: Category 3: When your own fart sends you running from the room. Category 4: An other person's Category 3 Fart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do in this topic, will I need the delete command? Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Category 5: When even the dog leaves the room 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Category 6: The wife, trumps everything else Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Lady Penelope was holding a grand dinner, when she had an attack of gas (AKA Fart!). Of course, she not want to appear rude, so as Parker, he loyal servant, was next to her serving the food, she turned to him and said in a sharp tone: 'Parker...stop that at once!' To which he replied: 'Yes, mu'lady. Which way did it go?!!' Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Some people just blame it on the dog. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) PREMATURE EJACULATOR seeks woman for no strings fun. Must have full lips, large breasts, long legs and a pert bottom. Oh dear!... never mind. Edited November 23, 2016 by hifly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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