J G 927 Posted December 3, 2017 Report Share Posted December 3, 2017 @ Brett. I love it. so true. We have a cat and a dog. The cat (Blowfeld) is white and small, the dog (Rio) is black and big. Every morning at breakfast they act out the scene with the musical watch in "A few dollars more" The cat wins. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted December 4, 2017 Report Share Posted December 4, 2017 6 hours ago, J G said: @ Brett. I love it. so true. We have a cat and a dog. The cat (Blowfeld) is white and small, the dog (Rio) is black and big. Every morning at breakfast they act out the scene with the musical watch in "A few dollars more" The cat wins. That sounds like it could be a 'Catsgeti' Western. I can hear the music now; Meooweoweow...woof woof woof. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted December 4, 2017 Report Share Posted December 4, 2017 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 6, 2017 Report Share Posted December 6, 2017 A man turns up at a building site in a Rolls Royce and asks the site foreman if there were any vacancies for bricklayers.The foreman asks him "Why do you want a brickies job when you've got a Rolls?"The man says "I got the money to buy that by making bets with people on totally ridiculous outcomes, I just come to work for the banter and beer money"Dubious the foreman asks "What kind of bets do you make then?"The man thinks for a moment and says "OK, I'll bet you £20 that if you give me a day's work for a day's pay that by the end of the day you'll have a hernia" The foreman laughs thinking the man is an idiot and tells him "Get to work then" During the rest of the day the foreman is careful not to lift anything heavier than a mug of tea and at the end of the day calls the new man over saying "Where's my 20 quid then?" The brickie replies "No offence, but I've got to check, would you mind dropping your trousers?" The foreman drops them and the brickie takes his bricklaying trowel and gently lifts the foreman's balls on it. "Cough" he said, and the foreman coughed eliciting the required response. "That appears to be in order" the brickie sighed and handed the foreman £20. The foreman shakes his head and asks "How do you make any money with the bets then?" The brickie points to the rest of the workmen and said "I bet everyone on the site £50 each that at finishing time I'd have your bollocks on my trowel!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 6, 2017 Report Share Posted December 6, 2017 The dwarf in my pantomime acting group won't let anyone else play Santa's Little Helper but him... Elfish Bastard...!! Link to post Share on other sites
IZ0JUB 162 Posted December 8, 2017 Report Share Posted December 8, 2017 (edited) Edited December 8, 2017 by IZ0JUB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted December 8, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2017 Thanks Mike, I think I have just wet myself! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 8, 2017 Report Share Posted December 8, 2017 PMSL! Link to post Share on other sites
Andrew Godden 943 Posted December 8, 2017 Report Share Posted December 8, 2017 I’m just astounded that we hadn’t heard of this before. Maybe there is a lack of fart facts that can be plagiarised and regurgitated, ad infinitum. There’s a thought though! With the right subject material, you could just keep responding to people’s posts just so you have the last say, at the same time taking the thread further and further away from the original topic until you get around to discussing power generation in China. This could give people the shits enough that the resultant overload of flatulence generated could be stored on a fart grid, thereby reducing shortages during periods of high fart gas usage. Now, all we have to do is work out how to capture fart generation in China and the world’s fossil fuel problems will be solved and we will have an endless supply of gas to run all the fart cars in the world. Next, a hybrid fart plane. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted December 8, 2017 Report Share Posted December 8, 2017 7 hours ago, Andrew Godden said: Next, a hybrid fart plane. They are already on it. Have you eaten airline food recently? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted December 9, 2017 Report Share Posted December 9, 2017 Donald Trump is standing next to a large swimming pool having a conversation with a democrat. A little boy runs out and dives into the water swimming out to the center where he sinks to the bottom. Trump WALKS across the water and sticks arm in pulling the drowned boy out. He walks back on top of the water to the poolside laying the boy on the concrete, touches his forehead and the little boy instantly comes back to life. The democrat shouts out to all the observers, " See I told you..... Trump cant even swim." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted December 10, 2017 Report Share Posted December 10, 2017 On 12/8/2017 at 13:41, J G said: They are already on it. Have you eaten airline food recently? Farts may be green, but they aren't GREEN. Methane is a greenhouse gas that is several times worse than that infamous we're-all-gonn'a-die Carbon Dioxide. Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted December 10, 2017 Report Share Posted December 10, 2017 ODE TAE A FERT This poem is appropriate for reading to an audience shortly after they have eaten the haggis: and the above subject on the fart car !! Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie Just as ye sit doon among yer kin There sterts to stir an enormous wind. The neeps and tatties and mushy peas Stert workin like a gentle breeze But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face Will have ye blawin’ all ower the place. Nae matter whit the hell ye dae A’bodys gonnae have tae pay Even if ye try to stifle, It’s like a bullet oot a rifle. Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair Tae try and stop the leakin air Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek Prae tae God it daes nae reek. But aw yer efforts go assunder Oot it comes like a clap a thunder Ricochets aroon the room Michty me, a sonic boom! God almighty it fairly reeks; Hope I huvnae **** ma breeks Tae the bog I better scurry Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry. A’body roon aboot me chokin, Wan or two are nearly bokin I’ll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile. Wis him! I shout with accusin glower, Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare I dinnae feel welcome any mair. Where ere ye go let yer wind gan free Sounds like just the job fur me Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty Ower the sake o won wee ferty. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 14, 2017 Report Share Posted December 14, 2017 PMSL! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 14, 2017 Report Share Posted December 14, 2017 Dinnae light a match in case yer Rabbie burns! Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted December 17, 2017 Report Share Posted December 17, 2017 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted December 18, 2017 Report Share Posted December 18, 2017 A well known maker of women's sanitary products is now issuing a limited edition with a sprig of mistletoe in each box. You have to be quick though, as they are only available for the Christmas period!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted December 24, 2017 Report Share Posted December 24, 2017 Q. What's the difference between a brussel sprout and a booger?! A. You can get a kid to eat a booger! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted December 27, 2017 Report Share Posted December 27, 2017 I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute, that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I said to everyone at the service, it's what he would've wanted... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 27, 2017 Report Share Posted December 27, 2017 Apparently there's now a new Sexual position called the Parcelforce!................................................You stay in all day but no bugger cums! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tim_A 997 Posted December 28, 2017 Report Share Posted December 28, 2017 I am an adept at that one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted December 28, 2017 Report Share Posted December 28, 2017 Re-furbished jokes.... One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild." "Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 29, 2017 Report Share Posted December 29, 2017 Next time you get an unsolicited, unidentified phone call, answer it thus; "Hello! Westwood Sperm Bank, you spank it , we bank it!" Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted January 3, 2018 Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted January 3, 2018 Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 “Ever wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.” .......................................... “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine.” ........................................... Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘'Oh my God, me neither!” Link to post Share on other sites
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