mutley 4,493 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 For Dai... In Only Fools and Horses, Trigger always called Rodney "Dave" "Dave" is Triggers favourite TV channel but Trigger always gets the name wrong and calls it Rodney. Never mind Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 So it's nothing to do with "The Likely Lads", then? Thanks for the explanation, Joe - appreciated. Cheers - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 11, 2014 Report Share Posted February 11, 2014 A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily, if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.' Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 11, 2014 Report Share Posted February 11, 2014 Hope that joke doesn't give anybody any ideas, or do I. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 12, 2014 Report Share Posted February 12, 2014 There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2014 My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks. Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat. "Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?" "No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 I said to my wife, "How come you always get confused and muddle things up?" She said, "Talk about the pot calling the toaster black." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 I was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today.No idea why, I was only doing 30 knots. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering... Yes, I forgot our anniversary again. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Happy belated Anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2014 I turned up at my mums house in my brand new BMW 7 series."Wow," she said, "well that confirms what I always thought,""what's that mum?" I asked,"that you're a right twat." She replied. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 16, 2014 Report Share Posted February 16, 2014 I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated ... She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 16, 2014 Report Share Posted February 16, 2014 I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: - 12 million illegal immigrants; - 3 million crack heads; - 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, - 2 million people in over 243 prisons; - Half of Mexico; - ~2.8 million Federal govt. employees - 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate - 1 President Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS? Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted February 16, 2014 Report Share Posted February 16, 2014 OMG an awesome twosome John. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 17, 2014 Report Share Posted February 17, 2014 I think you got out of line when you claimed, 2.8 million Federal govt. employees, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate, 1 President. The employees already claim themselves. Congress and the President are rich so their tax forms are a series of write offs only offered to their kind. All the other deductions look fine. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted February 18, 2014 Report Share Posted February 18, 2014 A lady asks the pharmacist, 'Young man do you sell Viagra?' 'Yes.' he replies. 'Does it work? she asks. 'Yes.' 'Can you get it over the counter?' 'I can if I take two.' Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,493 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2014 A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!" ...Ouch! The ultimate revenge Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 20, 2014 Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 That's.....just a horrible thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted February 20, 2014 Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 Reminds me a bit of Charles Bronson's epic movies - 'Death Wish' series. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 20, 2014 Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 I just got off the phone with a life long friend I grew up with who lives in Vermont. Bill said that since early this morning they have received nearly three feet of snow over what fell in the last couple of days and it is still falling. The temperature has dropped far below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He told me that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in! We both feel that she would stay warmer if she would just keep shoveling! Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Ha, sounds like something I would do Link to post Share on other sites
britfrog 180 Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 hi guys and gals I hope we are all broad minded enough for this, if you dont think you are dont watch Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,302 Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Hilarious Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 - Never never buy a second hand iPhone. Link to post Share on other sites
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