The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Two ladies chatting in heaven:

 

Woman 1; Hello Wanda

Woman 2; Oh Hi Sylvia! Imagine seeing you here... how did you die?

Woman 1; I froze to death

Woman 2; How awful, poor thing!

Woman 1; It wasn't too bad, after the uncontrollable shaking stopped, i began to get warm and sleepy and died rather peacefully. What about you?

Woman 2; I died of a massive heart attack. I came home early because I suspected my husband was cheating, but instead I found him in his shorts watching TV alone in the den.

Woman 1; Really, so then what happened?

Woman 2; Well, i was so certain another woman must be there, I ran all over the house searching, up to the attic, down to the basement, I turned over mattresses and closets and worked myself up into such a state that I just keeled over with a massive coronary. I was dead before the ambulance arrived.

Woman 1; Shame you didn't look in the freezer, we might both still be alive.

 

 

(joke found on FB...it is occasionally useful for that )

[allardjd 1,853]

This may not be new, seems like I've seen it before, but anyway...

Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?" The princess said, "No!!!!" And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[pjl953 41]

When I went to get my clothes out today, I found a lion and a witch in the wardrobe. Feeling confused, I said, "what are you doing in there". "NARNIA BUSINESS" they shouted back.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

A woman goes to a fortune teller and is told:

 

Madam, I have a mix of good and bad news for you.

 

Woman: Please, tell me the good news first, I prefer to accentuate the positive.

 

Fortune teller: Well, it appears you will be winning an award Very soon due to an automotive event.

 

Woman: Oh swell, I never win anything, what kind of award is it?

 

Fortune Teller: That's the bad news, it's a Darwin Award.

 

Woman: An Australian award? That doesn't sound too "bad", I'm going to text all my friends the good news on the drive home.

[Quickmarch 488]

There will probably be a contract let on me for this:

 

Arab family moves to Ireland.

Their little boy goes to the local school for his first day and the teacher asks him his name. "Muhammed" says the little boy.

The teacher says to him "you're in Ireland now and all little boys are called Paddy or Mike, which do you prefer?"

The little boy chooses Mike and heads home where he tells his mother what happened.

His mother goes ballistic, calling him a religious turncoat, then smacks him up side the head.

When his father gets home, his mother tells his father, who repeats the process.

The next day, the little boy goes back to school and the teacher asks him how he likes Ireland.

"Well, I'm not sure" he says. "I've only been here two days and already I've been beaten up by two Arabs"

[pjl953 41]

I just read that the Swedish navy have fitted all their boats with barcodes, so when they return they can Scan die navy in.

Third appalling joke in this forum, think I really will leave now................

[pjl953 41]

I saw a job advertised for being an electric baker. It's someone who puts the current in buns.

Oh dear, couldn't resist.

[mutley 4,488]

"I've been a very bad girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."


"Very well", he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Okay...if we are going for corny jokes....!!!

 

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher....?  She had trouble controlling her pupils!!

 

(That was a favorite of my wife's stepfather...I blame him!!) 

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Sharing this piece by John Cleese...FoFb (Found on Facebook).

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

 

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

 

Sharing this piece by John Cleese...FoFb (Found on Facebook).

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

Regards,

John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person

 

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

 

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

That is really funny!!! :rofl:

[J G 927]

The number of women being cremated is far out stripping men:

 

Its their last chance to have a smoking hot body!

[allardjd 1,853]

 

A few old ones here and one or two I haven't seen before...

 

***********

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. 

 

This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" 

 

I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?" 

 

She said "Yea", I got a pen". 

 

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you". 

 

Cost me 6 stitches. 

 

***********

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, 

 

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." 

 

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." 

 

*********** 

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. 

 

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." 

 

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 

 

I said,  "Yesterday." 

 

*********** 

 

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. 

 

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. 

 

*********** 

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." 

 

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so." 

 

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 

 

***********

[allardjd 1,853]

I've been known to say that I fervently hope to never be the owner of anything with a name that begins with a lower-case i. I may be forced to reconsider...

http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4fb153c58d835edacee289ebcecd1230&%3btype=m

[allardjd 1,853]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.  One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

  

Many  people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money  into  the hat  of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

 

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of  people  giving  money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of  David.  

 

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and  says, "My poor  fellow, don't you understand? This is  a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.  People  aren't  going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when  you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." 

 

The  beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"  

[J G 927]

I've been known to say that I fervently hope to never be the owner of anything with a name that begins with a lower-case i. I may be forced to reconsider...

http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4fb153c58d835edacee289ebcecd1230&%3btype=m

 

Don't worry about having to get a device with a name beginning with a lowercase letter. I am sure that Android will have the same app, but you also get a humanoid robot to do the risky bits for you! 

 

P.S.  How come Apple products are sold as superior to their competitors if the company employees don't know that a proper name always begins with a capital letter? 

[brett 2,299]

Two good one John. :rofl:

[brett 2,299]

Aw shucks,

 

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

[mutley 4,488]

I'm glad my parents always encouraged me to call a spade a spade...

Saved loads of time when I was in B&Q buying one.

[mutley 4,488]

Well our worst fears have been confirmed this morning, my wife is allergic to our Springer Spaniel.

I know this isn't a re homing site, but could somebody please find it in their heart to help her out?

Her name is Claire and she is 40!!

[mutley 4,488]

I just got an email from TripAdvisor entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will you do to help?

So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review. Maybe, that way they'll all go back?

(My bad)

[mike H 456]

A man is reading a book, his wife asked him what are you reading?

 

it's called 100 Ways to Please  your Women.

 

His wife replies, I wouldn't bother reading anymore of that nonsense.

 

You only need to do three things  to make me the happiest women a live.

 

 What are they he asked.  with a smile.

 

1) Go upstairs.

 

2)  Pack your bags.

 

3)  and P- - s  off

 

 

[mike H 456]

Why are condoms transparent ?

 

So that sperm can at least enjoy the view, even if their entry is restricted.

[mutley 4,488]

"I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David."

"On what grounds?"

"Pigamy."