mutley 4,488 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 Only Fools and Horses has been voted Britain's best sitcom.Tributes include one from Prime Minister, who says he's always been a fan of the Trotters. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 VW have got into trouble for falsifying data, apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 Scientists believed that they had come across the formula for happiness... That was until a woman entered the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 VW CEO resigns, I suppose he'll Beetle off and play more Golf or take Sharan to watch the Polo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 "IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" Mrs Hitler answering the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 "IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" Mrs Hitler answering the phone. Took me a minute before it hit me, you got me on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted September 30, 2015 Report Share Posted September 30, 2015 Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day. One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there." Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Phil died. A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ." "Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Joe -- it's me, Phil" "You're not Phil . Phil just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice. "Phil Where are you?" "In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Joe. "The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired." And we get to play with all the Greats of the past. "That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 "Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? " "No dad were not, but please stop for a fag, you're driving us mad." ... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-34402622 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 Whenever I cross the road my four year old daughter insists on holding my hand. It's so embarrassing. I'm thirty six. I don't need anyone to hold my hand. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 "Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? " "No dad were not, but please stop for a fag, you're driving us mad." ... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-34402622 Whatever you do, if you come to the USA, don't go to a shop and ask for a packet of fags, or you might get thumped.....or at least a very funny look. Over here, a fag is a nickname for a gay person!! (I am from the UK originally and know exactly what the English term means...) Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce (a.k.a. brian747) 142 Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 Hi Martin! I don't know how long ago you left, but given the large number of American recycled TV shows we get Over Here these days, I think you can safely assume that most UK residents are well aware of the US connotations of words such as fags, rubbers, and so on. So if a UK-based person uses such terms on this forum, please be understanding and translate accordingly! Cheers, bruce a.k.a. brian747 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 .... Especially in this particular forum Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 I saw a sign when we visited Chester Zoo today. "Do Not Feed The Animals" "It's £10 for a burger," I said to my wife. "I'm not even feeding the kids." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 OK, some recycled jokes you have probably seen here before, but I can't be arsed to edit out the duplicates! A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.' A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.'Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?' When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil. I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.' A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy. A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.' One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany: 'Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well done.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 Hi Martin! I don't know how long ago you left, but given the large number of American recycled TV shows we get Over Here these days, I think you can safely assume that most UK residents are well aware of the US connotations of words such as fags, rubbers, and so on. So if a UK-based person uses such terms on this forum, please be understanding and translate accordingly! Cheers, bruce a.k.a. brian747 Lol....actually, I was only saying somewhat tongue in cheek as opposed to really serious. Anyway, I am off to get my suspenders ...and in case you think I am being kinky, suspenders over here are bracers...not women's underwear. It is amazing that we have two countries with a common language, but the same word can mean totally different things!! Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 ..Yeah we know what you meant really..kinky! Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 When we arrived at Opua, New Zealand, with our boat, I went to the marina office and asked for our "slip assignment". The two girls behind the counter just about bust a gut laughing. Me; I had no idea what was so funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce (a.k.a. brian747) 142 Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 One of the best (but least well known) sites which lists the "divided by a common language" examples is this one — http://www.effingpot.com/ If you visit and start to look around, be prepared to spend a while there! He divides the problem words into eight categories: Home Slang People Motoring Clothing Around the house Food & drink Odds & sods (You'll also find the explanation of how he acquired the 'Effingpot' nickname). Have fun! Cheers, B. Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 Hmmmmm..... So in the UK smoking a fag is OK as long as you don't do it in a public building. Smoking a fag in the USA will get you life in jail Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 Smoking a fag in the USA will get you life in jail Unless it's self-defense. John Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 Regardless of where you are, or what the words mean... If you give a fag a toss in public, because it's butt is too hot you're going to get in trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,289 Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I tried really hard not to laugh at that one Joe...... Two wives go out for a girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other husband said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station.... We'll never forget you'!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,488 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away. Those bags are worth 5p now! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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