The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

A Retired Man's Perspective

 

1. We shouldn't kill all the stupid people. We should just remove all the warning labels and let the problem self-correct.

 

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

 

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

 

4. You know that strange little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

5. I don't like planning ahead, because the the word "premeditated" gets used frequently in the courtroom.

 

6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

 

7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

8. Paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

 

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians abuse the privilege.

[hifly 925]

First joke on the new look MH forum.

 

Man with hearing issues goes to the doctor. Doctor asks. "Can you describe the symptoms?" Man replies."Yes, he's a fat bloke who likes donuts and his wife has blue hair." 

[Tim_A 997]

D'oh!

[brett 2,314]

That took me way longer than it should have to get. LOL

 

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, took out ten dollars and said, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a guy looks like after he’s given up drinking and golf."

[allardjd 1,853]

This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot/instructor.
 
He has a heart attack and dies.
 
She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.
 
 "May Day! May Day.! Help me! Help me.! The pilot had a heart attack 
and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me.! Please 
help me!"

 

She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
 
She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary Clinton."
 
"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: 
Our Father, Who art in Heaven......""

[mutley 4,497]

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

 

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”

 

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”

[Philmurfin 51]

 

 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney,and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din'tyah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

[brett 2,314]

That's a good one Phil, it's been moved to the Jokes thread so members that follow here could enjoy it.

[Philmurfin 51]

1 hour ago, brett said:

That's a good one Phil, it's been moved to the Jokes thread so members that follow here could enjoy it.

 

Thanks Bret, but I thought that's where I had placed it?

 

Phil

[brett 2,314]

Check your PM's Phil.

[hifly 925]

I was thinking of extending my house by adding another floor on top. But that's another storey.

[brett 2,314]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[brett 2,314]

Thought for the Day

 

If Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner goes missing, will his picture be on a carton of Half & Half?

[allardjd 1,853]

Quote

 

Thought for the Day

 

If Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner goes missing, will his picture be on a carton of Half & Half?

 

 

 

That assumes anyone would want him back enough to bother putting his picture anywhere.  Probably not, unless he still owes the surgeon money.

 

John

[Lucy.P 168]

I'm glad a cut-price supermarket is opening near me, the Tesco I go to is a bit expensive, but even they say that 'Every Lidl Helps'

[hifly 925]

That joke is an Aldi.

[Lucy.P 168]

I've only just heard it so it Asda be quite recent

[hifly 925]

Lucy, I'll Spar with you and anyone when it comes to bad puns. 

[Lucy.P 168]

There has to be some Safeway we can discuss this?

[allardjd 1,853]

Surely not in Publix.

 

John

[Lucy.P 168]

It's going to go a Fareway towards it

[hifly 925]

Full Marks. & Sparks are flying here.

 

Marks & Spencers to our friends abroad.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

A West Marine Wood Spar, and varnish with the Wind.

 

~~/)__

[brett 2,314]

It doesn't matter where you shop as long as you ShopRite

[Quickmarch 488]

JA will know the Piggly Wiggly.

 

Quote;

" Welcome to Piggly Wiggly^®! Take it from Mr. Pig: When it comes to value and freshness, you can't beat Piggly Wiggly. With over 600 stores in 17 states, Piggly Wiggly has been bringing home the bacon for millions of American families since 1916. "

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