The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Tristarcaptain 282]

2 hours ago, Quickmarch said:

I remember milk being delivered by a horse-drawn wagon (in Montreal). My wife hates it when I mention that fact.

Hmmm...why does she hate you saying that??!!  I thought that home delivery was nice.  Mind you, the alternative was me being sent out to do the shopping, even at the age of around 11 or 12.  Mom was sick...we had no car....so yeah..it was tough.

The best home delivery was the baker...freshly made cakes.   Also, the baker was nice and hewould take me for a ride in his van while on deliveries.  Oh...the innocent days back then when there were very few untrustworthy characters!!

Edited March 10, 2017 by Tristarcaptain
spelling

[Tristarcaptain 282]

5 hours ago, Philmurfin said:

It's a small world - Cheers!

Ha.. ha!!  Say 'cheers' instead of 'Thank you' here in the USA, and they give you a funny look!  Actually, I like the expression.

As for shopping trollies...well a trolley is a bus and a trolley is a cart!!  Just don't go to the store and ask for some fags, otherwise you might end up in hospital.....

 

The joys of having to be 'bi-lingual' in English!!!    At least we have 'feet and inches' and gallons instead of metric!!

[Tristarcaptain 282]

2 hours ago, hifly said:

I remember the milkman, he would come in for a cup of tea when dad was at work. Mum would send me out to the shop to buy some bread. I don't know why because the milkman sold bread too. It's funny but my younger brother is the spitting image of the milkman.

I do hope that you are joking....

 

Mind you, I still think that Prince Harry looks more like James Hewitt than Prince Charles!!  Conspiracy.......

[Tristarcaptain 282]

My neighbor went to the gas (petrol) station earlier today.  The guy was smoking a cigarette and as he was pumping the gas, his arm caught fire.  The policeman was standing nearby (as it happens!) and he put the fire out.

 

The neighbor was then charged by the Cop for having a fire-arm!!

 

[J G 927]

We still have milk delivered twice a week, I suppose we have a milkman but I have never seen him. All I know is it seems to arrive sometime between 3 am and 5am. I think he is avoiding me!

[Quickmarch 488]

5 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said:

Hmmm...why does she hate you saying that??!! 

 

I think it sort of dates me.

Milk, bread, and the like have not been delivered in Canada for quite some time now. Horse-drawn conveyances have been gone much longer - I'm talking the early fifties when I remark about that milk delivery method. It's a shame, too. As I recall, the milkman didn't have to do anything by way of driving. He just got on board and the horse went to the next house on the route and stopped. I never did ask how long it took to re-train the horse if someone were to drop off the route. Inquiring minds must know. Too late to ask now.

I'm now living in a neighbourhood that is ideal for singles and couples. So we have both ends of the stick on my street - the young and the old. Not much in between. I do notice that the large grocery chains are now delivering (by truck). The only horse drawn things in this town are the caleches. Very popular with the Cruise Ship crowd. A bugger to get stuck behind if you're in the car.

 

I'm getting off topic, this is the jokes page, right? In keeping, please see:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPt4Gz-_9KM

[allardjd 1,853]

We had home delivery of milk up until I was in my early teens, I guess - small town.  I have one vague memory of a horse drawn ice wagon delivering blocks of ice to my grandparent's home, which was about a city block from us.  They had an old oak "ice box" instead of a refrigerator - probably about 1950 or so.  Most people had electric refrigerators by then - theirs is the only one I recall seeing, though the delivery wagon being in business would indicate that there must have been some others too.

 

John

[Tristarcaptain 282]

1 hour ago, Quickmarch said:

 

I think it sort of dates me.

Milk, bread, and the like have not been delivered in Canada for quite some time now. Horse-drawn conveyances have been gone much longer - I'm talking the early fifties when I remark about that milk delivery method. It's a shame, too. As I recall, the milkman didn't have to do anything by way of driving. He just got on board and the horse went to the next house on the route and stopped. I never did ask how long it took to re-train the horse if someone were to drop off the route. Inquiring minds must know. Too late to ask now.

I'm now living in a neighbourhood that is ideal for singles and couples. So we have both ends of the stick on my street - the young and the old. Not much in between. I do notice that the large grocery chains are now delivering (by truck). The only horse drawn things in this town are the caleches. Very popular with the Cruise Ship crowd. A bugger to get stuck behind if you're in the car.

 

I'm getting off topic, this is the jokes page, right? In keeping, please see:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPt4Gz-_9KM

I didn't know that horses liked baked beans!!!  Good one....

[brett 2,310]

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

 
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:

 
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.

[hifly 925]

[allardjd 1,853]

St. Louis Approach to United:

 

"United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you're number one."

 

United 123 (male voice):

 

"Roger, balls to the wall."

 

St. Louis Approach to American:

 

"American 4321, you're number two behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

 

American 4321 (female voice):

 

"Well I can't do balls to the wall, but I can do wide open."

 

-Radio silence-

 

Unidentified Pilot (male voice): "Is American hiring?" 

[hifly 925]

You think you've had a bad day?

[brett 2,310]

This might be a repeat but.......

 

Man goes to the police to report that his wife is missing.

 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4x4 with 6.4 liter Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

[hifly 925]

[J G 927]

I found this.......

 

 

[brett 2,310]

This guy walks into a second rate seedy talent agents office...

Hey have I got an act for you!

Yeah yeah, that's what they all say pal, what ya got?

Well you see, I can sing through my ass.

What!?

Sing through my ass.

Sing through your ass? You can actually SING THROUGH YOUR ASS !!??

Yes indeedy.

Well don't be shy lad! Stand up and show me ya stuff!!!

So the guy stands up, jumps on the agent's desk, unbuttons and drops his jeans, bends down and strains...and craps on his desk!

The agent jumps back and hits the wall. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR YOU FREAK !!??

Not to worry sir, I was just clearin' me throat.

[CAT3508 343]

Compilation of actual student answers in the U.K. GCSE examinations

 

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
Mostly in the UK

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son?"
A somewhat complicated version of incest

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up* on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
He would not have been allowed in under immigration laws

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He had a big pr@ck

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
Apparently they were all stoned.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
Actually, Homer Simpson

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him.* Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
Early evidence of just how dangerous matrimony can be, hence the emergence of civil partnerships.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java.
Coffee and biscuits for all competitors after the games.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
long.
And certainly not, even nowadays, in Italy.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king.* Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
A sense of humour is essential in politics.

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
A tradition that has continued to modern times where politicians torture their subjects by fiddling them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
Although of limited value after the first hanging -- just another example of political subterfuge in pursuit of the liberal agenda. 

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and* also wrote literature.
Which no-one could read then or now.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
A tempting idea when my own son chooses to dictate to me.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."
Actually they didn't shout "hurrah". They shouted "Here pussy pussy!"

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention* was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper.
Our Jewish brothers, read and weep!

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
That's what he was trying to do but that bloody balcony was too high.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
Milton shows that inspiration comes in many forms.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe.
And his curse on the Atlantic has lasted to this day at the expense of mariners who know where America is.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.
Mass murderer and serial rapist.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
The latter comment is celebrated by cats world wide when households no longer rubbed two cats together in order to cook their dinner. 

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
The first sentence says it all!

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
BTF they are durable, these Yanks!

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Which is now banned by the European Union since it promotes the consumption of sugar.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
trees.
And politicians falling from grace.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
Bach won the X-Factor in 2009, so he is still around. His spinster has kept out of the limelight. 

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
That's what happens when you can't hear the call. You die later.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children.
Josephine was not "baroness". Napoleon had erectile dysfunction. Hence the quotation "Not tonight Josephine!" 

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West.
It sets in the West because that is what has been decreed by NATO. If you don't like it, move to the UK.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
Death was a blessed relief.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
"An engineer told me before he died tiddly bom tiddly bom..."

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
In order to appear on Madame Curie's radio.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.
Which just goes to show the unexpected consequences of having a duck up one's a**e.

[brett 2,310]

That's more scary than funny Neil. 

[Quickmarch 488]

We Met at the Bar

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me.  I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too.  Are you federal or provincial?”

[allardjd 1,853]

...and Brett thought the joke before that was more scary than funny.

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

Aha! I detect a JDA online again.

[Quickmarch 488]

Here's one for our Oz friends:

 

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.  He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.  The dam had been  fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.   One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.  He   grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.  He made the women aware  of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

  One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

 

Moral : Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[brett 2,310]

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge roundhouse punch that broke his nose and sent him sprawling. Before he could get up off his knees, little James Madison appeared and using his walking stick clobbered him on his head. As he lay rolling in pain, out of another cloud rode Robert E. Lee on Traveler who drew his sword and gave him a vicious slash across his face after which Traveler stepped on his leg crushing it. Screaming in pain, the Daesh member hollered..."BUT WHERE ARE MY 72 VIRGINS?!?!" to which St. Peter calmly replied" Mohammed spelled it wrong. It was 72 VIRGINIANS."

[hifly 925]

[brett 2,310]

 Good one Geoff.