The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,497]

Paddy was caught cheating in his school exams.........he asked the teacher how she found out.

 

“It was easy “ said his teacher

 

Murphy was sitting in front of you and his answer for question 10 “ I don’t know” and you put “neither do I”

[mutley 4,497]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

2 hours ago, hifly said:

 

That is hilarious!!!!    Now we need one to remove ISIS from the Middle East...guess that will be a bigger set!!

[mutley 4,497]

 

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

A Metaphor coming to a store near you soon:

 

 

Security Guard: "Excuse me sir, please bring that computer back to the store."

Electronics Store Customer: "Why, I just paid for it? And here is my receipt!".

SG: "We have a higher value customer in the store who wants that computer, you got the last one on our shelves, and we need to re-accomodate your purchase"

ESC: "Uh, this is a present for my daughter who is starting college tomorrow, I really can't afford to be accommodated at this time".

SG: "Don't make me use the handcuffs sir".

ESC: "REALLY? You'd handcuff me over a purchase I made at that store?"

SG: "Last warning, Sir...".

ESC: "FU you authoritarian tool of...hey, hang on now...put that taser away, OWWWWwwwwWWWWwww.!!!!

SG: "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzztttttttt!"."ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzztttttttt!"."ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzztttttttt!".

 

Customer service taken to the next level. Get those store loyalty cards NOW people!

[allardjd 1,853]

Remember when United used to call themselves, "The Friendly Skies"?

 

I think this is going to cost them dearly.  They should have taken that left turn at Albekoikee, as Bugs once said.

 

John

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I think the corporate mentality took an ethical left at -I'll Be Kirk/King- some decades ago. They forgot the Prime Directive...The Customer Comes First, dragging them out to make room for employees is the biggest corporate joke of a policy ever.

[allardjd 1,853]

Not to be overlooked in this, the O'Hare airport police are part of the Chicago Police Department, I believe, even though O'Hare lies well outside the city limits.  You'd have to have some understanding of politics as it's practiced in Chicago to have any idea how that kind of thing came about.  Anyway, the CPD are pretty hard-nosed and quick to get physical.  The would-be passenger has a concussion, a broken nose and lost two teeth.  I think some money is going to change hands over this one.

 

John

 

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

OK..this is NO joke.

 

As you know, I moved to the USA.  When my wife and I flew back to the UK to vacate my flat, we flew into Manchester.  The lines were not clearly marked, so my wife lined up with me to go through customs.  To cut a long story short, he told her she was in the wrong line and I explained that she was my wife and the sign was not clear.  He responded 'So!'  When I explained this was how things were done in the USA where we had come from, he went berserk and sent me to the back of the line and her to another line.  When I got though, he would not let me wait for my wife and told me to get out of the room.  I waited by the door (just inside the room).  He yelled across the room (full of people) 'I SAID GET OUT!!!"

 

Man..I was so livid.  He refused to identify himself.  He said that his boss was on a break!! When I made a formal complaint in writing, the security footage had been wiped and they could not find a person fitting my description!

 

This is wrong on so many levels.  I was so shocked by his behavior.  So much for the Human Rights Act which says about treating people with dignity and respect!! 

[brett 2,314]

 An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A Health Inspector was checking out a delicatessen, all looked fine, everything was spotless, the meat, cheese and vegetables were well presented and separated. It all looked rosy. The inspector said to the the owner,

" This looks great, really well done sir."

 "Thank You" said the man, "we pride ourselves in this shop., Non of our food is ever touched by hand,  we use tongs and other utensils for everything."

The inspector then looked at him and suddenly said "Sir, do you know that there's a piece of string sticking out of the front of your trousers?"

 "Yes" said the owner, "It's so that i can go to the toilet without contaminating my hands."

 The inspector was mystified, "How do you mean?"  

The owner replied, "It's simple the string is attached to my penis, when I need to go, I simply pull it out and hold it by the string over the toilet bowl!"  "I'm impressed at your ingenuity, "said the inspector. "But tell me, how the hell do you put it back in without handling it?"  

"Oh that's easy, " says the man, "we use the tongs!"    

 

Enjoy your lunch folks! 

[CAT3508 343]

Bloody 'auto-spell', it's your worst enema!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Fred and George were sitting talking,Fred has his dog with him. All of a sudden the dog spins round and starts licking his arse. George looks at the dog and then says"I wish I could do that." to which Fred replies, "Well if you give him a biscuit he might let you!"!

[brett 2,314]

An old Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic".

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that".

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger; but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

"Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

[brett 2,314]

An old sailor walks into a dockside brothel after many months at sea.

He walks up to the counter and puts down 500 dollars, he tells the Madame, 'I would like a sandwich and your ugliest lady for the evening please.'

The Madame goes, 'But Sir!, for that kind of money you could have a 10 course meal and a night with my finest ladies!'

The old sailor goes, 'Look Ma'am, I'm not horny, I'm just homesick'

[brett 2,314]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was great… I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns?”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one!” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
“Rose honey, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Two pigeons were flapping along minding their own business, when with a loud shriek a Typhoon screamed past below them with his afterburners blazing. One of the pigeons says to his mate, " Man, I wish I could fly that fast!" to which his friend replies, " Well if your arse was on fire like that, you probably would!"

[brett 2,314]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 71 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his past exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL, Love it!

 

[CAT3508 343]

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's
97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy 
breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what
I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a single pound..... Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear that dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information 
in our heads. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour 
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[J G 927]

On 07/05/2017 at 07:40, CAT3508 said:

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.

 

$2000 a month! that's about £1500 in real money a month.  This joke needs to be updated.  I pay £1300 a week for my dads' and aunts' care home places. and thats is no joke either! 

[allardjd 1,853]

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, in a quiet side street, he sees a couple in a car  with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car.

 

There is a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a well-stacked young woman, in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window.

 

The young man lowers his window and says "Good evening Officer."

 

The trooper asks "May I ask, what are you doing?"

 

The young man says "I'm reading a magazine."

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And, the lady in the back seat, what is she doing?"

 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

 

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, late at night in 'Lover's Lane' and nothing obscene is happening! He asks: "What is your age, young man?"

 

The young man replies "I am 22, sir."

 

The trooper asks: "And how old is the young lady?"

 

The young man looks at his watch and says "She will be 18 in eleven minutes".

[allardjd 1,853]

An  old woman rode up, got off her old mule and tied it to the hitching post.  As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
 

The  young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"  The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
 

The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get a toe blown  off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
 

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No ma'am... But  I've always wanted to."

 

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Never waste your ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the final power.

5 - Don't mess with Old People; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 

[Philmurfin 51]

This is a story of a man who worked at the post office. His job was to process all mail items that had illegible addresses.

 One day a letter came to his desk, addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check."

"Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

 The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others.

Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

 All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?"

"Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "

 

"By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

[brett 2,314]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, doesn't matter, let's look for yours."