brett 2,310 Posted June 6, 2017 Report Share Posted June 6, 2017 When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 6, 2017 Report Share Posted June 6, 2017 ...and when you long for the good old days, think of dentistry. John 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 7, 2017 Report Share Posted June 7, 2017 18 hours ago, Quickmarch said: In light of the most recent thread on Sailing Sims, I offer this: When sailors were real sailors! “Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.” Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.” Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?” Hardy: “Sorry sir?” Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ - What gobbledegook is this?” Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.” Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.” Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.” Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.” Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.” Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it .......... full speed ahead.” Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 5 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.” Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.” Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.” Nelson: “What?” Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.” Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.” Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.” Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.” Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.” Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.” Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.” Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.” Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt- haven’t you seen the adverts?” Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.” Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.” Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!” Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.” Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?” Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.” Nelson: “We’re not?” Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.” Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.” Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.” Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.” Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life” Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?” Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.” Nelson: “What about sodomy?” Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.” Nelson: “Bugger” PMSL, got to share this one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Corsaire31 419 Posted June 7, 2017 Report Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) I agree, this is a great one, March ! LMAO ! Edited June 7, 2017 by Corsaire31 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 9, 2017 Report Share Posted June 9, 2017 The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the badlands when Tonto stops, gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. After a few seconds he looks up And says "We go quick kimosabbi, I feel buffalo come! " The Ranger looks down at him and says" How can you tell?" Tonto looks up and says, "Easy, left ear all sticky! " Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) Ewww... Speaking of eww and a previous subject: At the start of the 1797 Battle of Cape St Vincent the young and very soon to be distinguished Commodore Horatio Nelson was still aboard the HMS Minerve, a former french 40-gun Frigate captured by the British in 1795. The Royal Fleet had been in hot pursuit for many days when Nelson joined the fleet. When the enemy was finally located in fog thanks to the sound of their signal guns the lead ship of the Royal Navy, the HMS Culloden, a 74-gun 3rd rate ship of the line commanded by Captain Thomas Troubridge, sent back the signal; "5 Spanish Sail of the Line... dead ahead!!!". Nelson saw the rest of their 16 ship fleet, commanded by Admiral John Jervis, were preparing for hot pursuit so he directed all available sail hoisted on the small but agile frigate and adjusted to the quickening fleet's course as the crew prepared themselves and their ship for a bloody fight. Nervous, yet anxious for the coming battle, Horatio called over his cabin boy and told him 'Lad, fetch my red pants so that the men won't see the blood'. As the cabin boy scurried off nervous as well, but with a chest swelling with courage and pride to be serving under such a gallant new captain...suddenly the fleet signals updated... and swiftly as sightings from the front line were sent back; "8 sail of the Line"..."20 Sail of the Line"..."25", "27..." at that point Nelson commanded the cabin boy to return. "Belay that order, fetch the brown pants". Rumors...just rumors. Part way through the battle Nelson actually switched ships to command the HMS Captain and presumably could have changed pants again. By the time the official painting of the Surrender of the San Jose had been commissioned Nelson was depicted as wearing white pants. Artistic License? /shrug...we may never know. Edited June 10, 2017 by Captain Coffee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted June 12, 2017 Report Share Posted June 12, 2017 Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!" .AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 12, 2017 Report Share Posted June 12, 2017 I guess the real punch line will be in six months or so when we'll see who's still running a government. I think we can agree that the Queen is probably the smartest of all of them. I hope she lives forever. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Corsaire31 419 Posted June 12, 2017 Report Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) 5 hours ago, allardjd said: I guess the real punch line will be in six months or so when we'll see who's still running a government. Ideally, neither of them... I'm out .... I didn't start it ! Edited June 12, 2017 by Corsaire31 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Holdit 106 Posted June 14, 2017 Report Share Posted June 14, 2017 (edited) Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?Dad: Cos' your mum loves Easter - it's an anagramSon: Thanks dad.Dad: No problem Alan. Edited June 14, 2017 by Holdit 3 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted June 14, 2017 Report Share Posted June 14, 2017 North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is now only to be called the dear liter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted June 14, 2017 Report Share Posted June 14, 2017 I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy". Some days I just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 15, 2017 Report Share Posted June 15, 2017 Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls. I didn't dare ask for a lucky dip! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 Now I remember why I am not so keen on classical music..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 I rather liked it. It take real talent to play bad if an accomplished musician. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 I think that it is funny. There is plenty more of them on YouTube...... Somebody I used to share a house with introduced me to them.... Martin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I went home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted June 26, 2017 Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 Marriage: My wife said it was like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.... Later, you want a club and a spade 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 Not really a joke, but funny! (I bet he drinks Carling Black Label!!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucy.P 168 Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 Those Carling adverts were some of the best on telly. I especially liked the Dambuster one in which the German Goalie saved everything thrown at him - sounds about right! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,310 Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 Hello! Gordon's Pizza? No, sir, it's Google's Pizza. So it's a wrong number? No, sir, Google bought Gordon's. OK. Take my order please. Well, sir, you want the usual? The usual? You know me? According to your caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust. OK! That's what I'll have. May I suggest you order ricotta, arugula, with dry tomato, and thin crust this time? No, I hate vegetables! But your LDL cholesterol is not good at all. Way out of healthy range. How do you know? Through the subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last seven years. Okay, but I don't want your recommended pizza, I already take medicine for my cholesterol. You have not taken the medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets on the Drug sale Network. No, no, I bought more from another drugstore. That's not showing on your credit card. I paid in cash. But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement. I have another source of cash. That's not showing on your last income tax filing unless you got it from an undeclared income source. WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, no cell phones, and no one to spy on everything I do. I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your passport -- it expired five weeks ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 2 hours ago, Bumblebee said: Those Carling adverts were some of the best on telly. I especially liked the Dambuster one in which the German Goalie saved everything thrown at him - sounds about right! You mean this one......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted July 2, 2017 Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 How do you milk sheep? Release another iPhone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
phil white 274 Posted July 2, 2017 Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 Twenty Irish men go to the cinema and the girl at the ticket office asks why are there so many of you and the man paying said its because the film says its 18+ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted July 2, 2017 Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 "When an eel bites your leg then it leaves you for dead, That's a Moray" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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