The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,487]

Joe Alaskey, the voice of Bugs Bunny has died at the age of 63.

I can only imagine what his last words were...

[SEATAC 400]

Joe Alaskey, the voice of Bugs Bunny has died at the age of 63.

I can only imagine what his last words were...

Mel Blanc was the real voice of Bugs Bunny. This guy never quite sounded the same

[allardjd 1,853]

Mel Blanc was the real voice of Bugs Bunny.

 

 

+1

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Joe Alaskey, the voice of Bugs Bunny has died at the age of 63.

I can only imagine what his last words were...

 

If he died in a car accident, they might have been "I should have taken a left at Albuquerque".

[mutley 4,487]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally  unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

 

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-  minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the  women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the  employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of  chips.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and  blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 Emergency Medics were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he  asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly  humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

 

And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited  awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in  here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Quickmarch 488]

[bilirubin 50]

Little Larry The Fighter Pilot

      

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

 

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

 

Little Larry says:

 

"I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

 

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

 

"And how about you, Tina?"

 

Tina replies....

 

"I wanna be Larry's whore."

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Apparently Gollum was arrested at the checkout in Tescos yesterday. ..................................he had an unexpected item in the Baggins area!

[hifly 925]

Magnets suffer from depression from time to time. They're bipolar.

[brett 2,285]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

 

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

The patient says no.

 

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.

 

She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?"

 

She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[hifly 925]

A friend asked me to look after her house while she was away on holiday for a couple of weeks.

 

After three days she called me and asked how things were, I said. "The house is fine but your cat died."

 

She immediately hung up but called back a couple of days later and said. "Sorry I hung up on you but I was so upset I couldn't speak, it ruined my day, I wish you could have broken it to me gently".

 

"How's that?" I asked.

 

"You could have said on the first day that the cat had jumped up on the roof and you tried to get him down,. Then on the second day that he still wouldn't come down. On the third day that he was off his food and on the fourth day he had died."

 

I apologised and she said. "That's ok, I know you didn't mean it. By the way, how's my mum?"

 

I said. "She jumped up on the roof and I tried to get her down."

[mattlb26 6]

A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to' At that moment the passengers cheered loudly and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle. The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first 

 

[bilirubin 50]

Fifty shades of Grey

 

The missus bought a Paperback
...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;
....T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I must dominate 'er !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

 

 

[J G 927]

Magnets suffer from depression from time to time. They're bipolar.

 

So that is why some people have a magnetic personality!

[mutley 4,487]

20 more (UK) one liners:
 
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book
 
2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)
 
3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010
 
4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book
 
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)
 
6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show
  
7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)
  
8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015
 
9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)
 
10. “A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection (DVD)
 
11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014
 
12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011
 
13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show
 
14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006
 
15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010
 
16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)
 
17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show
 
18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)
 
19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book
 
20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe.

 

[brett 2,285]

The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a string on the end of it.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain
and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman
cannot resist asking - a secret smile on his face , "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" says the old man.

[SEATAC 400]

This may be a few months late.

How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

[Tristarcaptain 282]

20 more (UK) one liners:

 

1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”

Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book

 

2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”

Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)

 

3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010

 

4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”

Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book

 

5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”

Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)

 

6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”

Tommy Cooper, on his TV show

  

7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”

Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)

  

8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”

Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

 

9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”

Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)

 

10. “A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”

Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection (DVD)

 

11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”

Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

 

12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011

 

13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”

Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show

 

14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”

Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006

 

15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010

 

16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”

Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)

 

17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”

Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show

 

18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”

Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)

 

19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

 

20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe.

 

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

#9 reminds me of the one where someone put on the envelope 'Photos do not bend'.  The postman wrote underneath 'Oh yes they do!!'

[brett 2,285]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start

 

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before

 

she could say 'F@@k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

[bilirubin 50]

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,

´Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep little Wabbits?´

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he´s on her level, and asks,

´Do you want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?´

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, 

´I don´t fink my pyfon will weally give a thit!!!!´

[bilirubin 50]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat, Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said,'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied,' Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was overjoyed. ' I wish to be extremely wealthy,' she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

' Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother,' said Cinderella.
'Is there anything else you might wish for?' asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,'I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had.' 
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said,'You have one more wish remaining, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked at the cat in the corner and said,'I wish to turn Alan, my cat, into a handsome young man.'
Magically, Alan underwent a change and then before them, stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again, spoke, 'Congratulations, Cinderella,enjoy your new life!' and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,

'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

[bilirubin 50]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, But I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....

"They won't let me in without a tie!”

[bilirubin 50]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

A man walks into Boots with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What
are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms
son. Men use them to have safe sex."

“Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
“I've heard of that in health class at school."


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package?"


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

“Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"


“Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

“WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. 
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February,
one for March......."