The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Tristarcaptain 282]

I was watching one of the Star Wars movies last night and it got me thinking.......

 

If Yoda sang would it be like yoda-ling!!!  

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Ok...not quite jokes but it can be funny.  It's cold here in the USA and somewhat windy in the UK (OK...who ate all the beans!!), so I want to encourage some nice warm fuzzy feelings and was wondering about cute/funny things that your pets do.

 

When in the UK, I had a budgie (parakeet in the USA).  Anyway, I taught him to talk a bit and one phrase he got the hang of was 'Merry Christmas'.  One day, the news reader on TV said 'Merry Christmas'.  Charlie the budgie, turned to look at the TV and said' Merry Christmas'.  It was so cute and funny.

 

Over here in the USA, we have a family of four cats.  Coco is VERY small, despite being a senior cat.  Kobi loves to chase a ball and one time it got underneath some furniture which was low to the floor.  Kobi tried but could not get it.  Coco went underneath, retrieved the ball and gave it to Kobi...so cute! 

 

Martin

[brett 2,284]

I had this dog once that would not stop pooping in the house no matter how much training we tried. He was doing it on

purpose too because he would turn and look at us before he shat and stick out his tongue at us. 

 

Not exactly a funny story but what was funny was the look on his face before I shot him.

 

Disclaimer; No animals were hurt in the making of this joke.

[Tristarcaptain 282]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza done?

 

Deep pan, crisp and even! 

[Holdit 106]

I was driving to work one day when the CEO called me on my mobile. "You're promoted to assistant manager,"he said. I got such a surprise I swerved to the left.  A few minutes later he called again and told me I was promoted to manager, and I got such a surprise I swerved to the right. After another few minutes he called again and told me I was promoted to regional manager. I got such a shock I swerved again and ended up on the grass verge. The police turned up and asked me what happened. I told them I'd careered off the road.

 

(Tommy Cooper)

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Auld Jock had been a religious man all his life. When rushed into hospital his family called a preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jock's condition appeared to worsen and he motioned frantically for something to write on. He was lovingly handed a pen and paper and Jock used his last gasp of energy to scribble a note which he handed to the preacher and then he died.

The preacher thought it would not be polite to look at the note at that time and placed it carefully in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy he realised that he was wearing the same jacket as he had at the hospital.

He said "You know, Auld Jock handed me a wee note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Auld Jock I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all"

He opened the note and read out loud

"Hi minister. Yer staundin oan ma oxygen"

[CAT3508 337]

Service Chief Wades into PC Row

All 3 services are suffering from the same ridiculous pressure to pretend they are like normal society when they patently are not due to the very special nature of their roles; which still includes an obligation to defend the freedom of everyone to spout politically correct drivel.
An example of the problem (based on the RN but no doubt the Army and RAF have similar tales to tell):

"The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels during Brexit negotiations, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £1,050 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.

The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or mustaches, and this applies equally to male crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities and Frenchmen. The Union Flag has already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England 's south coast."

[Lucy.P 168]

Well, we have Army ad's saying it's OK for soldiers to cry and ask the drill sergeant for a cuddle, so we are well on the way to everything that Neil's just stated....oh a joke? Damn, I thought he was making predictions!

[J G 927]

Talking of Military ads,  This one makes me smile:

 

 

Edited January 12, 2018 by J G

[mutley 4,487]

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.

[mutley 4,487]

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports
it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob
who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

[mutley 4,487]

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of a hotel and as he paid his bill asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-me Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

" 'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply without even looking up, the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me-not's great memory. (One local mentioned to him that “How” was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.")

On his return to the original hotel six months later he was surprised to see “Big Chief Forget-me-not” still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How!" said the Aussie.

"Scrambled," replied the Chief.

[mutley 4,487]

Snow White's funeral.

One dwarf says to another

'Do you think these glass coffins will catch on...?'

Other dwarf 'Remains to be seen....'

[mutley 4,487]

There was this Welsh guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to Wales. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks. 

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious. 

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals. 

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being. 

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea. 

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing. 

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck. 

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...

"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."

[mutley 4,487]

Man walking down the road one night when he spies his mate, dressed all in green, with a woman on his back. "Alright mate, where are you off to dressed like that?"
"Fancy dress party, I'm a Ninja Turtle".
"Cool. But who's the woman and why is she on your back?".
"Oh, that's Michelle"

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Hot dog, Joe is on a roll today...and I am for sure stealing that Ceiling Fan joke for some social media comments. /salute and thank you.

[allardjd 1,853]

I first heard that clock joke when Bill Clinton was president, and have heard/read it for every president since.  It's a good thing they didn't have one for Lyndon Johnson, there'd have been a cyclone up there.

 

John

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

 ...or during the Nixon Administration... " I am not a crook"... clock blows up.

[brett 2,284]

Kennedy from his father - "Don't buy one more vote than you have to. I'm not paying for a landslide"

 

********

 

Dallas was so famously enemy territory for liberals that Lyndon Johnson’s prewritten joke for that Friday evening had been “Thank God, Mr. President, you came out of Dallas alive.” (You know, in case things didn't go off as planned)

 

********

 

They told me that if I voted for Goldwater, we'd be at war in Viet Nam within a year. Well sure enough, I voted for Goldwater and now a year later we're at war in Viet Nam!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Toilet humor at its best!!!!!

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5271389/Man-discovers-having-poop-knife-isnt-normal.html

 

[CAT3508 337]

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 

[Quickmarch 488]

Had this one forwarded to me today:

 

Subject: Fw: I miss Bill Clinton!

 

 

It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political humour from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton....       "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"  *He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.  *He plays the saxophone.  *He smoked weed.  *He had his way with ugly white women.  *Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!  And, he gets a cheque from the government every month.  *Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.  *Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada..  *When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."  *The Clinton revised judicial oath:  "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."  *Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.

 

[CAT3508 337]

[Quickmarch 488]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away,Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[allardjd 1,853]

That reminds me of another, as many of these do...

 

In an Army unit somewhere, the HQ gets word that Private Thompson's mother has passed away and he is to be informed and granted Emergency Leave to return home for the funeral.

 

The First Sergeant musters the men and barks out, "All of you men whose mother is living, take one step forward. - - - Not so fast, Thompson!"

 

John