brett 2,284 Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears. ************ Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?" ************ When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IZ0JUB 162 Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 Ordering Pizza - Is this in our 'not too distant' future? Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza? No sir - it's Google Pizza. I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. OK. I would like to order a pizza. Do you want your usual, sir? My usual - you know me? According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust. OK - that's what I want . May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust? What? I detest vegetables. Your cholesterol is not good, sir. How the hell do you know? Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago. I bought more from another drugstore. That doesn't show on your credit card statement. I paid in cash. But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. I have other sources of cash. That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! ! I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !! I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) The Times They Are A-Changin, constantly. I expect that I shall be dumped someday soon by a woman exclaiming furiously "You should have Googled it" instead of the pre Google version "you should have known." Edited January 24, 2018 by Captain Coffee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted January 25, 2018 Report Share Posted January 25, 2018 You need to remember an old TV commercial to get this one. A couple go into a fish restaurant, around the sides of the room are lots of tanks with various fish and crustaceans in them. A waiter comes to there table after a few minutes and says, " Good evening, I'm Gervais and I will be your waiter this evening. Are you ready order?" The Man looks up, "Er yes please Gervais, we'd like to start with the squid." " Ok sir" says Gervais, "If you like to follow me to the tank you can decide which one you'd like." The man looks puzzled, Gervais continues, "We like our food to be as fresh as possible so it is kept alive until the last minute, once you choose it is taken out, killed and cooked." "Oh I see" says the man, "Well we'd both better have a look in the tank then." Gervais leads them to a tank where several squid are happily swimming around. The couple look somewhat surprised, eventually the man says " I think that pale green one looks nice and fat, he looks like he's got a moustache with the way his tentacles are hanging." Gervais says, "Are you sure sir,? he's been there a while and everyone loves him." "The man looks up and says, "Yes, quite sure thank you, " Gervais takes a net from the top of the tank and catches the green squid. The couple return to the table and Gervais takes the squid to the kitchen. The head chef asks Gervais to kill the squid so that it can be prepared. Gervais bursts into tears."No Please, I can't do it, he's like an old friend, he's been there ages.!" The chef is not impressed, " Very well and calls out to the pot washer, "Hans, will you come here please, leave the sink for a minute." The big German comes over, " Ja chef, how can I help?" "I want you to kill that squid for me , Gervais can't do it." Hans looks visibly upset. " I am sorry chef but I cannot, the green squid is an old friend." The Chef is now very angry, He sends for the head waiter, " What is wrong chef?" he asks., The Chef answers, "It would seem neither of these clowns have it in them to kill that squid! " The Head waiter looks bemused, " Sorry Chef but didn't you know, Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip squid!" 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted January 26, 2018 Report Share Posted January 26, 2018 Seen on the wall of a toilet (restroom) cubicle... God is dead.....Nitzsche Nitzsche is dead......God. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted January 26, 2018 Report Share Posted January 26, 2018 The squid joke reminds me of a test that a teacher sets for her junior school pupils....... Q. Describe an octopus. To which one pupil answered..... A. It is a sea creature with eight testicles!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 26, 2018 Report Share Posted January 26, 2018 From the Bagpiper Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing. When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 Try this calculation to learn who you really are. Pick any number between 1 and 9. Now multiply it by 3. Add 3. Now again, multiply by three. You will get two digits, add them together. Now this number will tell you what you really are... 1. Kind 7. Gentle 2. Honest 8. Reliable 3. Faithful 9. Asshole 4. Caring 10. Adventurous 5. Passionate 11. Sensitive 6. Romantic 12. Protective 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted January 27, 2018 Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 (edited) Hmmmm...... Joe, do the maths and tell me what that makes you!!! Edited January 27, 2018 by J G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 I can't count, so I come out as Kind! Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 27, 2018 Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 Obviously biased against engineers. John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 27, 2018 Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 Sensitive?? I must have added something wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2018 11 minutes ago, Quickmarch said: Sensitive?? I must have added something wrong. Would you like to borrow my calculator March?! (BTW, fixed your posts) Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 Thinking myself a mathematician, I tried Joe's test using the value of PI to seven decimal places. After all calculations were done and the resulting number rounded I find that alas, I am not a mathematician, but just an asshole after all. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,284 Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Alaska. She said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the no-good drunken bum in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Holdit 106 Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 My wife sent me this and it cracked me up. Most people probably won't be able to decipher the accent, but I just had to post it here anyway... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IZ0JUB 162 Posted January 29, 2018 Report Share Posted January 29, 2018 (edited) I wonder if the transport company's name reflects their attitude to the clients..................... Edited January 29, 2018 by IZ0JUB 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 30, 2018 Report Share Posted January 30, 2018 I sure would like to know what that thing is. The only thing I can think of is a digester for a paper mill. John Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 30, 2018 Report Share Posted January 30, 2018 What's with the "L" symbol on the right front? Over 'ere it means "Learner". Device could be a cyclone. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 30, 2018 Report Share Posted January 30, 2018 2 hours ago, Quickmarch said: Device could be a cyclone. I don't see a tangential port, but could be on the other side I guess. Whatever it is it seems to have heating/cooling coils attached to the exterior, including the head. Whatever it is it's designed to run at a pretty high pressure, though not Pressurized Water Reactor high. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 30, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2018 16 hours ago, IZ0JUB said: I wonder if the transport company's name reflects their attitude to the clients..................... I'd like to see the pencil that uses that sharpener! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 31, 2018 Report Share Posted January 31, 2018 Super Bowl Tickets A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, at the new U.S. Bank stadium on Sunday, February 4. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game. What he didn't realize, when he bought them last year, was that it's on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J G 927 Posted January 31, 2018 Report Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) On 30/01/2018 at 01:24, allardjd said: I sure would like to know what that thing is. The only thing I can think of is a digester for a paper mill. John Looks like a couple of air filters for my old Alpha's carburettors. Perhaps it's for a normally aspirated Saturn 5? Edited February 3, 2018 by J G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 31, 2018 Report Share Posted January 31, 2018 6 hours ago, J G said: Perhaps it a normally aspirated Saturn 5? Now why didn't I think of that? John Link to post Share on other sites
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