The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Quickmarch 488]

Mr Bean to us Nordamericanos,

Remember the skit with the sofa chair on top of the Mini? Damn fine funnies.

[mutley 4,488]

Johnny English

[allardjd 1,853]

 

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines.  The boy had been looking out of the window.  He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 

The mother couldn't think of an answer.  She told her son to ask the flight attendant.   

 

He went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"   

 

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"   

 

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."  

 

"Well," said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.  Have your mother explain that to you."

[jaydor 345]

Two Beggars in London

 

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Ali does,  but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Ali  'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads ' I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali  says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

[mutley 4,488]

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

[Quickmarch 488]

Can't recall where I got this from. I hope it wasn't some other part of this forum because that would make it old news. Anyway, here goes:

Why you can't use phones on planes - See: http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905768/why-cant-you-use-phones-on-planes

[Bruce (a.k.a. brian747) 142]

^{(Apologies if you've heard this one before, but it's one of my favourites).}    

 

 

^{Headline news:}

 

^{New Husband Shop opens in London!}

 

^{"A shop that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman}

^{can go to select a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a}

^{description of how the shop operates:}

 

            ^{"You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of}

            ^{the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may}

            ^{choose any item from a particular floor, OR may choose to go UP to the next}

            ^{floor — but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"}

 

 

^{So a woman goes to the shop to get a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:}

 

^{Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs}

 

^{She is interested, but decides to continue to the second floor, where the sign reads:}

 

^{Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.}

 

^{'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'}

 

^{So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:}

 

^{Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.}

 

^{'Wow,' she thinks... but still feels impelled to keep going.}

 

^{She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:}

 

^{Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.}

 

^{'Amazing!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly wait!'}

 

^{Still, she goes to the fifth floor — and the sign reads:}

 

^{Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.}

 

^{She is very tempted to stay, but decides to go to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:}

 

 

^{Floor 6}

^{You are visitor 1,416,017 to this floor.}

^{There are NO men on this floor.}

^{This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.}

^{Please follow the signs to the exit.}

^{Thank you for shopping at the Husband shop.}

 

 

 

^{ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:}

 

 

^{To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner has also opened a New Wives shop just down the road.}

 

^{The first floor has wives that love sex.}

 

^{The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.}

 

^{So far, the third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.}

 

 

[DaveLeafNiles 0]

I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Football (soccer) related :

 

Me and my son were watching the football the other night and he said to me, "Daddy, why does the ref keep interrupting the game?"

"Because your mother isn't here to do it." I replied.
 

[brett 2,291]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe

me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and

asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or

maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet

voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.”

[brett 2,291]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to

the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the

bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots

of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

”If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him

no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he

gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

 

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

 

[J G 927]

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one.

 

roses

 

"Sorry, too few characters."

 

pretty roses

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

 

1 pretty rose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

 

1prettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

 

1fu  ingprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

 

1F  INGprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

 

1F  ingPrettyRose

 

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters when upper case is used."

 

1F  ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightF  ingNow.

 

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

 

1F  ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightF  ingNow

 

 

 

 

.........."Sorry, that password is already in use."  

[mutley 4,488]

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.

 

Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

[hifly 925]

Now talking of budget airlines, something that came to mind when American Airlines launched their new livery which reminded me of a toothpaste tube.

 

What's the diffence between a tube of toothpaste and a budget airline?

 

You squeeze the contents out of a toothpaste tube.

 

Sorry, it was just a silly notion.  

[allardjd 1,853]

I received this in an e-mail with no indication of the original source. I suspect it may have been professionally written but don't know for sure...

 

John

 

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

"I have no idea." Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:

 

1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that "my head is not up there?"

[hifly 925]

     Excellent!

[brett 2,291]

That brings back some memories I choose to forget.   I like the way he explains it, very funny.

[mutley 4,488]

Brings tears to my eyes.. of laughter!   

[DaveLeafNiles 0]

That was a good one John, mind if I share it at work?

[Quickmarch 488]

Superb, milk still coming out my nose.

[jaydor 345]

I got to take my MoviPrep Saturday morning to go to Cosford.  There should be fun on Mutley's stand then?

 

Brilliant John..   :rofl:    

[J G 927]

Is MoviPrep prescription only? I hope so.  You can see disaster looming on a high street near you that has a chemist next to the cinema.   

[allardjd 1,853]

I didn't write it, guys, just passed it on. It seems to be a commonly shared experience.

John

[hifly 925]

I didn't write it, guys, just passed it on. It seems to be a commonly shared experience.

John

As are most jokes John but thanks for sharing it. I nearly had a trouser accident reading it.

[DaveLeafNiles 0]

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.

[J G 927]

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.

 

       Very Benny Hill -esque!!