The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

While getting shots (in the posterior) I saw two grabassers singled out and made an example of.  There had been repeated warnings to keep it quiet but these two persisted.  Finally the corpsman walked back to the back of the line, selected the offenders, brought them to the front and said, "Gentlemen, this his how we're going to do this - I'm going to hold the needle and you're going to back into it.", and that's how it went down.  

 

You could have heard a speck of dust drop in there after that.

[brett 2,315]

A sense of humor comes in many forms.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her class the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted..

[hifly 925]

I've heard the the Flat Earth Society has recently gone global.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

 I was reading... Correction I was laughing at an article about Ken Ham's Noah's Ark extravaganza and I wrote a joke.

 

 

After launching the ark Noah realizes he doesn't have enough food onboard to feed everything...and decides that the creatures should draw straws to see who would be food. T-Rex, representing for the dinosaurs, holds the Short Straw and considers the irony... while everyone else has mixed feelings about it not being the bugs.

[allardjd 1,853]

Jennifer writes:
  

‘I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A pint of low fat milk
• A dozen eggs
• A bottle of orange juice
• A head of lettuce
• A container of coffee
• A pound of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
 
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly’.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

 

9 hours ago, allardjd said:

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly’.

 

^Was NOT expecting that...nor that I'd laugh so hard.

 

Having been the victim of a random drunk comment of similar rudeness while minding my own business on a train ride probably helped.

Edited July 15, 2016 by Captain Coffee

[brett 2,315]

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."

So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you ladies and gentlemen who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

[mike H 456]

Nice one Brett

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I hope I'm not the only one to take notice of the Clinton Political Rut:

Bill misused an Interned Servant, and then lied about it.

Hillary misused an Intenet Server, and also lied about it.

 

Now, the important question: Is lying about a b**w job a more serious a crime in the USA than lying about

mishandling classified documents?

 

We could perhaps ask an expert in security and technology intimately familiar with this issue...but I don't suppose Edward Snowden would be able to give an unbiased opinion.

[allardjd 1,853]

Someone sent me this as a file and I went searching for it on-line.  This link is to the same video but has been speeded up and is clipped off at both ends.  It still shows the main action.  You just can't make this stuff up.

 

John

 

http://imgur.com/gallery/OsdC58v

[hifly 925]

A few Darwin Awards should be handed out to that crew. 

[Funta 9]

At a yawnworthy time of night, Lahore Centre (VHF) goes off the air. Aircraft in the area liase for a while between themselves. Then after about 10mins, Lahore comes back on the air, calls up a Speedbird (ie BA) aircraft, and a very excited Pakistani says "Speedbird xxx, we've just had a jolly big earthquake down here, did you feel anything up there?"

 

True story, heard by myself as a very young S/O.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I live on a sailboat...my friends have finally stopped asking me if I felt the latest earthquakes. (Me: 'you mean did my boat rock around at some time last night? Yes...as it does every night).

[Quickmarch 488]

22 hours ago, allardjd said:

clip............  You just can't make this stuff up.

John

 

 I love the guy who climbs out on the end of one of the boards to help offset the weight of the excavator.

Shows he's a thinker.

[allardjd 1,853]

@Quickmarch - Surely a yachtsman like yourself can appreciate the utility of "hiking out"?  

 

Of course then there's also the analogy of shoveling water against the tide.  I guess what he's doing is more like that.  Looking at the video the point-of-no-return is pretty obvious and comes pretty early.  It's clear at that point that no matter what they do short of levitation, it's not going to end well.  I sincerely hope nobody was killed or injured in that goat rope.

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

16 hours ago, Funta said:

At a yawnworthy time of night, Lahore Centre (VHF) goes off the air. Aircraft in the area liase for a while between themselves. Then after about 10mins, Lahore comes back on the air, calls up a Speedbird (ie BA) aircraft, and a very excited Pakistani says "Speedbird xxx, we've just had a jolly big earthquake down here, did you feel anything up there?"

 

True story, heard by myself as a very young S/O.

 

You should have told him that you did, just to see the reaction.

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

46 minutes ago, allardjd said:

@Quickmarch - Surely a yachtsman like yourself can appreciate the utility of "hiking out"?  

 

clip....

 

See: http://sailskills.co.uk/Stability/sailskills_stability_stability_explained_AVS.html

 

We normally call it the "point of vanishing stability" - every kid who ever hops in a small sailboat learns this lesson at an early stage in their sailing career. Believe me, JA, I've hiked a lot of boats by a lot of different methods. This guy was trying to re-invent the "hiking board".

 

Quote from Wikipedia

" Hiking boards are long boards fitted perpendicular to the boat's hull, and sometimes stretching several feet over the water. These allow the crew to move their weight far out to windward. They are commonly designed to slide from side to side, so they are moved to the windward side whenever the boat tacks. They are most often used on sailing canoes, but can be installed on many kinds of dinghy. there are also two racing classes that use planks and they are the VJ, and the bigger Skate (dinghy). "

[brett 2,315]

Must be time for bad sailing jokes....

 

Always wondered why they called it the boom...then it hit me!

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

One of the funniest boating jokes I have witnessed was a visiting wooden boat in a slip across from me sunk a couple of years ago...the owner was trying to pump it out while the transom was still below the water. Good luck pumping the entire Marina out of your boat sir!

It took a tractor on a barge, like the one above except loaded by professionals :D...to get the transom above the surface so that the pump could get ahead of the leak.

[brett 2,315]

I would of made a drink and watched him for a bit before telling him.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I was drinking a beer and watching people tell him...to no avail.
It took till the next day for a barge to arrive, the Marina forced his hand.

That incident may have caused this Marina management to forbid Wooden Hulled boats as tenants. There are only a few Grandfathered in woodies here these days. I tried to get a nice good condition 35 foot Chris Craft Aft Cabin as a live a board last year... but discovered the new policy before making an offer on it.

[Quickmarch 488]

Years ago my father owned a wooden (carvel planked) sailboat with a one-lung gas engine in it. We lived in Montreal where the water gets hard in the fall. My job was to remove the ballast and the engine in the fall (about 3500lb all told) and stack it all on a skid in the boatyard. The boat was hauled on a marine railway, cross-hauled, then left for the winter. It's nice and dry in the winter in Eastern Canada - most of the moisture comes down as snow. Anyway, in the spring came launch day. My father's boat was always the last to be scheduled for launch because it, pretty much, went straight to the bottom. You see, dry air dries out the planking and the planks shrink. This creates a gap between each one and the water is pretty good at finding these gaps. The boat would sit there for a week or so then we'd go down and start the pumping process. Note I said "we". The team consisted of the pumper, me, and the supervisor, my father. A number of days of this activity and the planks swelled up enough to float the boat over to her slip where I got the job of re-installing the ballast and engine.

 

I hated that boat!

[Quickmarch 488]

The Arrogance of Authority

 

The DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
 
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety.  The man was clearly terrified.
 
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

              

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!"

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

At dawn the telephone rings, 
"Hello, Senor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." 
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" 
"Si, Senor , that's the one." 
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" 
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Bob ." 
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" 
"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse." 
"Dead horse? What dead horse?" 
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob .." 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?" 
"Yes, Senor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart." 
"Are you insane? What water cart?" 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor ." 
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" 
"The one at your house, Senor ! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." 
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" 
"Yes, Senor Bob ." 
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" 
"For the funeral, Senor Bob .." 
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??" 
"Your wife's, Senor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."