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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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The Hardon Collider is a fantastic piece of kit. It is the biggest erection of its kind. It runs in a large circle under a woody area of Cern, Switzerland.


There are some stiff testing regimes associated with it to ensure the boner-fides of its results.

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A bear goes into a bar.....


he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here" bear: "but I don't do drugs" bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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As the USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.

And Monica blew it.

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Cajun Math Test


A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9.


Without numbers? The Cajon says, "Dat easy"and proceeds to draw three trees..


What's this? the boss asks.


Ave you got no brain? Tree and Tree and Tree make nine, the Cajun says.


Fair enough, says the boss. Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number 99.


The Cajon stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each three. Ere you go.



The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?



Each of da trees is dirty now. So, its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dats 99.



The boss is getting worried that he is going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, All right last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100.



The Cajun stares into space some more, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree. Ere you go. One hundred.



The boss looks at the last picture and said You must be nuts if you think that represents one hundred:



The Cajun leans forward and points to the mark at the base of each tree and says: A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd which makes one hundred.





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A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.


She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.


On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. 


"What happened?" she asks.


"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

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As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...

And Monica blew it.

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An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."

The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

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My wife has joined the Green party and has told me to help conserve the planet we must re-use our condoms.


I had already disposed of mine, so went around to my neighbour's and rummaged through his bin.


He's a great guy, originally from Uganda. 



 I went to re-use it' but after placing it on: the teat was still hanging down to my kneecap?

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Tomorrow is Star Wars Day. May the fourth be with you.


EDIT BY MUTLEY: Geoff, after that one I think you should leave the forum now <groan>!

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I can't imagine how we got this far without this one appearing...


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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@John .....and the joke is?




I loved rules 10 and 11. I would replace Andy McDowell with Dick Van Dyke in the Sound of Music


Rule 12 I only partially agree with.  I would like to see more baseball in the UK, however the faintly ridiculous attire used when playing this sport would have to go.  :D

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British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: “And where is the world’s most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?”

ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway

AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked – all are working

ARN851: “Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”

Halifax Terminal (female): “Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”

(busy) Moncton Center: “Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau”

BAW169: “I’m sorry, sir, can you repeat that?”

CZQM: “Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango”

BAW169: “Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?”

CZQM: “It’s called Chibougamau”

BAW169: “Would you say again, please?”

CZQM: “Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!”

BAW169: “Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?”

CZQM: “It’s Eskimo for f— off!”

ACA1147: “Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?”

CZQM: “As soon as I get a chance, I will.” (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: “Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?”

CZQM: “Standby for that, please”

(more radio chatter)

ACA1147: “Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?”

CZQM: “Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I’ll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.”

(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)

CZQM: “Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12″

ARN871: “Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We’ll talk to you later.”

CZQM: “Maybe sooner than you think.”

(a few seconds pass…)

ARN871: “Uh, Moncton, they didn’t want to talk to us on 127.12…”

CZQM: “See what I mean?”

Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.”

NY Ctr: “Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.”

FedEx 235: “Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.”

NY Ctr: “Delta fahv twuntee, clihmb one ninah zeruh, dat’ll be finah…”

Delta 520: “Uhh… up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.”

NY Ctr: “Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.”

Alitalia 16: “HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!”

NY Ctr: “Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!”

Tower: “Have you got enough fuel or not?”

Pilot: “Yes.”

Tower: “Yes what??”

Pilot: “Yes, SIR!”

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: “GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back.”

GAF 269: “Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil.”

Cont: “AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.” Pilot: “Rogo’, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.”

Cont: (a few moments later): “AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.”

Pilot: “AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots”

Cont: “AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, the helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots”

Pilot (a little miffed): “Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?”

Cont: “No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.”

Control: “You’re unreadable, say again.”

Motor-glider: “I’ve turned off the engine, is that better?”

Control: (looong pause)

ATC: “Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? ”

Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.”

ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”

Controller: “AF123, say call sign of your wingman.”

Pilot: “Uh… approach, we’re a single ship.”

Controller: “oooohhh! You have traffic!”

Controller: “Speedbird 12, are you on a heading?”

Pilot: “We are always on a heading.”

Korean Air 1234 : “Prease say lunway and blake situation”.

Auckland Tower : “Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required”.

Korean Air 1234 : “Ehhh… Say again…”.

Auckland Tower : “Previously landed aircraft says did not need use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway”.

Korean Air 1234 : “Ah ! Thank you !”.

O’Hare Approach: “USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.”

USA212: “Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?”

O’Hare Approach: “All the way to the gate if you can.”

USA212: “Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.”.

ATC: “Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.”

Pan AM 1: “Could you give that to me in inches?”

ATC: “Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019.”

Cessna 152: “Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred”

Controller: ” Roger, contact Houston Space Center”

727 pilot: “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”

Controller: “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.”

Beech Baron: “Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.”.

ATC: “Yeah, it’s OK. He’s not hungry.”.

Student Pilot: “I’m lost; I’m over a big lake and heading toward the big E.”

Controller: “Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.”

(short pause)…

Controller: “Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately …”

Pilot: “Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.”

Approach: “Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.”

Pilot: “Approach, 202’s unable that descent rate.”

Approach: “What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?”

Pilot: “Yup. But they’re for my mistakes. Not yours.”

Tower: “…and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.”

Speedbird: “That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right”

A deer is on the runway… so…

Tower: “Cessna XXX cleared for take-of f.”

Student: “What should I do? What should I do?”

Instructor: “What do you think you should do?”


Student: “Maybe if I taxi toward him it’ll scare him away.”

Instructor: “That’s a good idea.”

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: “Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.”

Student: “What should I do? What should I do?”

Instructor: “What do you think you should do?”


Student: “Maybe I should tell the tower.”

Instructor: “That’s a good idea.”

Student: “Cessna XXX, uh, there’s a deer down here on the runway.”.

(long pause)

Tower: “Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.”.

(Two seconds, and then — I presume by coincidence — the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: “Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.”

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure…by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “National 63 cleared for takeoff…did you copy the report from Eastern?”

National 63: “Roger , Tower, cleared for takeoff… yes, we’ve already notified our caterers.”

Controller: “USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.


Controller: “USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!”


Controller: “USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!”

Pilot: “Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!”

Pilot: “Approach, Federated 303’s with you at 8000′ for vectors ILS, full stop.”

Approach: “Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.”

Pilot: “We’ll take the VOR then.”

Approach: “Sir, the VOR’s in alarm right now. Standby.”

Pilot: “OK, guess it’ll have to be the ADF then.”

Approach: “303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.”

Pilot: “OK, approach. State my intentions.”

ATC: “N123YZ, say altitude.”


ATC: “N123YZ, say airspeed.”


ATC: “N123YZ, say cancel IFR.”

N123YZ (Pause) “Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated.”

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