brett 2,314 Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 I came second in a Castro lookalike competition. Close, but no cigar. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 ^Lots of sour grapes remarked the same after the Monica Lewinski look alike competition. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raymond 0 Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Oh yes, they are real classics Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted December 8, 2016 Report Share Posted December 8, 2016 Ideal pressie for the kids at Christmas. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 8, 2016 Report Share Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?" Edited December 8, 2016 by dodgy-alan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2016 Paddy tries to change his name by deed poll and is called in for an interview on the matter. "Right Paddy what is all this you want to change your name?" asks the clerk "I do I do I'm sick of all the jokes and snigering I want to change it right now" paddy says "ok give me your current full name first please" asks the clerk "Patrick Shithouse" he replies .. and the new name you want to change it too please? Michael. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2016 A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit ?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2016 More nonsense! I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Jesus Loves You." Nice to hear in church rather than in a Mexican prison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted December 12, 2016 Report Share Posted December 12, 2016 Hell-0 Ice Corporation stocks plummet to unprecedented lows, while small businesses like Stalin's Ice Skate Rentals have seen an YUGE uptick in business during this chaotic election year. ~Hades Business Journal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted December 12, 2016 Report Share Posted December 12, 2016 I hear there has been a YUGE uptick in Russian hacking too. Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted December 13, 2016 Report Share Posted December 13, 2016 Went for an eye test today, I was shocked when the optician told me I was colour blind. It came out of the green. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted December 16, 2016 Report Share Posted December 16, 2016 My wife likes buying stuff that has been marked down. Yesterday she came home with an escalator. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted December 17, 2016 Report Share Posted December 17, 2016 19 hours ago, hifly said: My wife likes buying stuff that has been marked down. Yesterday she came home with an escalator. Had me looking for the "Groan" button. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted December 17, 2016 Report Share Posted December 17, 2016 Saw this on another site and it so funny I had to copy it over, This is a collection of letters sent to a South of England Newspaper who had asked for examples of stupidity . . . * IDIOT SIGHTING No 1 * We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. *I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'* I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Garador repair since.* Happened in Moor Park , near Watford . IDIOT SIGHTING No 2 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire. IDIOT SIGHTING No 3 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'* He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. * >From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. * IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 * I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,* 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'** To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'* He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' * Happened at Luton Airport * IDIOT SIGHTING No 5 * The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.* Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' * She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde) * IDIOT SIGHTING No 6 * When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.* We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.* As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'* This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire. * STAY ALERT!**They walk among us.*AND THEY BREED!* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 19, 2016 Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 I can't wait for the reindeers to arrive on my roof next weekend, ............it'll save me going to the butchers for the venison! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted December 19, 2016 Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 Remember people, Be Alert!..............your country needs Lerts! Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted December 21, 2016 Report Share Posted December 21, 2016 I asked Kate what she would like for Christmas. "Anything with diamonds on." she said. I've bought her a pack of cards, hope she likes them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 My New Years resolutions. 1. Stop making lists. B Be consistent 7. Learn to count. Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 On 12/19/2016 at 14:41, dodgy-alan said: I can't wait for the reindeers to arrive on my roof next weekend, ............it'll save me going to the butchers for the venison! You need to be careful in the preparation of these...nicking the wrong bag while cleaning them could cause them to taste Toy and Gamey. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Just got this in an e-mail from a friend - way too good to not post here. Where to Retire You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OR... You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought. OR... You can retire to New York City where... 1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.) 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression OR... You can retire to Minnesota where... 1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!" OR... You can retire to The Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.” 6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end! OR... You can move to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR... You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?" OR... FINALLY you can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 7 hours ago, allardjd said: 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. We always called the old folks down around Marco "Q-Tips". That was because all you could see from the car behind was a couple of white fluffy balls over the seat backs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Holdit 106 Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 I think it's from Julius Caesar: Mark Anthony: "O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, And men have lost their reason. An SSL error has occurred and a secure connection to the server cannot be made! Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, And I must pause till it come back to me." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 2 hours ago, Holdit said: I think it's from Julius Caesar: Mark Anthony: "O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, And men have lost their reason. An SSL error has occurred and a secure connection to the server cannot be made! Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, And I must pause till it come back to me." Link to post Share on other sites
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